Brew Books

Chapter 44

Ed's staring at me, and I realise I've said something a little disturbing, and I hate to think I've made him uncomfortable, but then suddenly he's got one arm around my shoulder and he's pulled me into a half hug.

'God, Jane, I didn't know that,' Ed says. 'I mean, Kitty told us your mum died and you hadn't had a good time of it recently and she begged me to give you the job because she thought it'd be a good start for you. But god, I had no idea your mum...'

'Yeah,' I say. 'But it's okay. I don't know. She was depressed for a while, you know? And depression is an illness, just like anything else. Like cancer. And she fought it for a long time. For years. She was a fighter and she kept trying to fight her illness, and it kept trying to kill her, and then one day she just lost the battle.'

Ed swallows, hard, like the words I'm saying are hard for him to hear. Eventually he says, 'Jane, you poor thing.'

'Yeah, so, then everything just... changed. I was long-distance with Drew because he was at Bristol, and then I met this other guy, and I just had no idea why I was doing it, but I started seeing this other guy. I guess I just missed having a boyfriend all the time and I really, really needed to have someone, and this guy just came along so for some reason I just pretended like I was single and I started dating him too.'

'You dated another guy? For how long?' Ed asks.

'About three months,' I say, with a gulp. 'I know it wasn't good. And I never intended it to last that long or get as serious as it did. I just kind of thought it was a casual thing but then it was three months in and he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and then Drew found out, and then they both realised I was cheating on both of them...'

'Wow,' Ed says.

'Yeah, wow,' I say. 'So I guess you don't think I'm a goody-two-shoes anymore, huh?'

'I dunno,' Ed says. 'Yeah, I didn't know this about you. But also, I don't want to judge you for something you did before we all met you. Kitty obviously still believes you're a good person. And I think so too. And it's horrible to hear that your mum died like that. You must have been really upset.'

I take a big breath and let out a sigh.

'You know I'm always around, if you need a talk, okay?' Ed says. He's still got his arm around me, and I lean into him. It's weird, being affectionate with Ed, because I don't have feelings for him, the way I do with Harper, so it's not as if I feel romantically inclined, right now. But also, my body is filled with this brilliant surge of happiness and excitement from the coke, and human contact feels so much more stimulating than usual, and Ed's hug feels all-encompassing.

'So now I've told you my whole horrible history, you have to tell me all about Matt, right?' I ask.

Ed shifts and pulls away from me. 'I don't think I can tell you about Matt.'

'But why not? It's kinda unfair that I've spilled all my secrets and you're still completely closed up about your brother. I'm sleeping in his room, and I'm still not allowed to know why he left?'

'Now's really not a good time,' Ed says. 'It's a long story, and I think it's better if I tell it with Kitty.'

'I'll go get Kitty,' I say, moving to stand up.

'No,' Ed says, grabbing me, and pulling me back down onto the bench. 'Seriously, Jane. When Kitty's ready, when I'm ready, I promise, one day, we'll tell you about Matt. But I think I've just figured out why Kitty didn't want us to tell you about what happened, and she's right.'

'She's right about what?'

'To be honest, Kitty's right about everything,' Ed says. 'Don't tell her I told you that.'

'Do you and Kitty...?' I ask, because I realise that Ed and Kitty, managing the bookshop and bar together, often act like an old married couple, and maybe there's something else there.

'No,' Ed says. 'Me and Kitty, never.'

'Any of the girls?' I ask.

'Nope,' Ed says. 'Sylvie's always been on and off with George, and to be honest, her and Charlotte are way too much into drinking and partying. I'd never be able to keep up. I don't know if you've noticed, but I only ever drink four drinks.'

'Four?' I say incredulously.

'Four beers, and I'm done,' Ed says.

'God, you're so sensible.'

Ed laughs. 'Yeah, well. I manage a bookshop, café, and bar. And I love it. And I've just never been the party kinda guy. I like hiking up in the Lake District or Scotland and I love camping and reading. Partying? Not so much.'

'Does Matt go hiking with you?' I ask.

Ed sighs. 'He used to, yeah.'

'Ed, surely you can work it out with Matt. He's your brother.'

'Easier said than done,' Ed says, with a grimace. 'You know, we should probably go and dance some more. The others will be wondering where we are.'

I take another deep breath - it feels good, taking deep breaths - and assess my body again. I feel good. I feel like I want to dance. Ed pulls me up into a standing position, but he pulls too hard, and I end up falling towards him, giggling.

'Come on, then, drunky,' Ed tells me, and he pulls me close and spins me around.

We both see Harper at the same time, standing at the entrance to the smoker's area, holding an unlit cigarette between his lips and a lighter in his hand. Harper brings the lighter up, lights the cigarette, and inhales. Then he pushes past both of us, out into the smoker's area, without another word.

• Author's Note •

Thanks for reading! I know it's all getting tense now so I won't waste your time with questions in the comments, but please do remember to vote before you go on!

elle xx