Truly, Madly, Deeply- a Devakshi story.

Clocks & Calenders

--------------------------------------Continued from last chapter----------------------

Dev mentioned about his mountaineering. And was amused to see how stunned she was. She couldn't believe he actually had a passion other than work and was flabbergasted by the fact that he actually left Delhi, his mother and his work to go mountaineering. He tried to explain how he had come to love the solitude and grandeur of the mountains and enjoyed the challenge of pitting himself against such a force of nature. She shook her head slowly in disbelief, " Now I have seen it all. " 

Dev : "I never thought I would say this to you but you have changed, Sonakshi. You understand finances and business, you are committed to your work with critically ill people, you drive a car responsibly, you are somehow more understanding, quieter, you don't take offence at things, you dont judge people as much,  how different you have become now."

Sonakshi: " But Dev, so have you. You are so much more patient, you take your decisions on your own,  take responsibility for your actions, and  are so much more forgiving. So much more self-sufficient. You always said you could never change but see how much you have changed."

Dev: "Yes we both have changed. And probably only you can see and appreciate how much I have changed, while I can understand and appreciate the change in you more than anyone else. I spent the last five years thinking I can never change, as if I was frozen at that point forever, but now you make me realise that I have changed. Nothing is permanent Sonakshi, neither us nor our loves or hates."

Dev (changing the topic) : "But seriously, Sonakshi, you are so passionate about your work, it makes me almost envious. I mean if I didn't have to go to work I would gladly go spend my days with Suhana."

Sona: " You do love Suhana, don't you Dev? "

Dev: " Yes, I wuldnt have thought it possible a couple of months back that I would suddenly be engulfed by so much love that...... I wouldn't have any space for any .....umm...negativity.. in my life. Yes I love her."

Sona, looking down guilitily at her hands," Dev.... I am sorry... you know..... tum dono se...aap se aur Suhana se.... mujhe aise aap dono ko alag nahi karna chahiye tha. Ye bahut badi bhool ho gayi mujhse. Aap aur Suhana kya, main bhi khud ko maaf nahi kar sakti."

Dev listening to her apology, thought, every word you say matters to me, but what matters most is that you are able to look back at the past now, dispassionately without blaming me for everything, Sonakshi. Just the same way, I am now unable to attach blame to you for everything. Anna was right, we are both victims."

He said carefully," Woh waqt hi ajeeb tha. Jo bhi hum dono ke beech mein achha tha woh sab badal ke kharab ban gaya. Meri wajah se, ya tumhari wajah se, ya auro ki wajah se. Ya phir haalaat kharab the. ...... Shayad hum dono hi victim the." 

She looked at him with raised eyebrows, questioningly.

Sona: " Toh kya aap ab mujhe blame nahi karte? "

Dev: "Agar yahi question main tumse poochoon? Tum kya feel karti ho?"

Sona: " Main? .......Main aapko blame toh karti hoon par utna hi ya us se zyada khud ko. Bahut si cheezein aisi thi jo main aapse behtar samajhti thi, wahan main rok sakti thi, khud ko, aapko. Par maine aisa nahin kiya. Phir main kaise kahoon ki main hi sahi thi aur aap galat?" She continued to watch her hands, refusing to look up.

Dev: " Tumse milne ke pehle, main apne saath hue anyaay ke baare mein conviction se keh sakta tha ki saari galti tumhari thi. Par ab main jaan ta hoon ki jitna anyaay mere saath hua utna hi tumhare saath maine kiya ya mere parivaar ki ore se hua. "... He stopped for a few seconds, searching for appropriate words....." In every situation, there is a culprit and there is a victim. And perhaps we are both culprits and victims. What we are is no longer important, but how we see each other, is very important. I think for the longest time we saw each other as culprits but now we see each other almost equally a victim. When we can see each other more a victim than a culprit, it means we are really able to get over the situation. "

She looked up at him, gravely, with unblinking eyes. She said, " Yes. I think we are able to finally get over the situation. We were friends once........and maybe we can be friends again."

She extended her hand towards him. He looked at her hand, and took it in his right hand, feeling the coolness of the skin and the well remembered weight and feel and shape. She returned the grip with a slight smile.

Dev: " Yes I would like us to be friends. I would like it very much."

They shook hands on that. There was relief and a kind of peace, that comes of letting go off rancour and ill-will, of finally being free of that burden that someone you loved very much, someone you treasured more than your own life, had betrayed you.

Dev: " But you must remember Sonakshi, that there will still be times, when the past will catch you by the throat . It isn't as if we can turn off the past like a switch. You have to be prepared for those times, make an effort to remember that we have to be friends and get over it. Things we said to each other, injustices we did, they will keep coming back, so you will need to talk it out with me and only then can we get over them."

Sona nodded," Yes I realise that. But Dev, if I have learnt anything, it is this, that the good things in life are never free... everything that is worth fighting for, has to be fought for. That is the mistake we did, we took things for granted. I won't make those mistakes now. And for our daughter's sake, we have to make that effort. Go that extra mile."

Dev: "Yes for Soha's sake. But also for our own sakes. We can't exist in a strange limbo, acting as friends for Suhana's sake. We have to be truer to ourselves. It will just take too much of life's energies not being friends with you. I really cannot put up an act for Suhana for years. I would actually like to be friends with you, real friends."

Sona smiled, crinkling her eyes: " Yes, I agree. So Mr Dev Dixit, would you do me the honour of being my friend? Again?"

Dev: " Yes Ms Sonakshi Bose, nothing will give me greater pleasure than to have you back in my life as my friend again." They shook hands again, this time with more certainity and a firmer grip.

Sona: : " And no expectations?"

Dev laughed: "Hell no! Lots of expectations! I will expect to be treated with respect and dignity and care. And anytime I don't do the same back, you can throw a tantrum." They both laughed.

Sona: " And I expect to be treated with seriousness and no lectures about my shortcomings! And sometimes I will even expect to be told what a wonderful mother I am! " She chuckled.

Dev: " But that you are!"

Sona, laughing, nudged him. " You are a fast learner, Mr Dixit. See it wasn't so difficult, was it!"

The flight which both expected to be uncomfortable and painful passed off so easily. They had both thought that the past defined them so much that they could never move forward. But in the meantime, even while they resisted moving onwards, life had made sure they had both matured, and when they allowed themselves to stop blaming each other, really listen to each other, rather than talking at each other, they realized that they were both, now, different people from what the other remembered. They were not the same Dev and Sona. 

Between the new Dev and Sona,  friendship was indeed possible.

  And therefore the past was already over. It was only they themselves who were keeping the past alive, feeding it with the hatred of injustices remembered. The clock and the calendar had both traveled far and now it was futile to hold back the hands of the clock and keep the old calendar hanging on the wall because times had changed. Irrevocably.

And hence, in that small cabin of a nondescript flight between Delhi to Mumbai, Dev and Sonakshi, forced to spend time together in isloation, finally found the clarity of thought and purity of purpose to reset the clock and throw away the calendar of the lost years. 

They got off the flight, promising to get in touch with each other in the evening. Dev watched out for her while she located her assistant, got into the car,holding up her saree and ducking under the umbrella held by the driver, to avoid being drenched in the Bombay rains. She waved back to him, her face spattered by the rain drops, and headed towards town, towards Marine Lines, Bombay Hospital where her clinic was. He headed off to Upper Worli, straight to his office where Natasha was waiting for him.

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