Look at me - Asanoya

chapter 6

>>I've never been the best at honesty,
I've made more mistakes than I can even count,
But things are gonna be so different now,
You make me wanna turn it all around.

I think of all the games that I have played,
The unsuspecting people that I've heard,
Deep inside I know I don't deserve,
Another chance to finally make it work.

But I'll try, to never disappoint you,
I'll try, until I get it right,
I've always been so reckless, all of my life,
But I'll try,
For you<<

____

They were in a small coffee near the campus. Nishinoya can't help himself feeling a bitter taste in his mouth when he saw the looks waitresses give Asahi, although  boy have only concentrated on the libero.
- Am I making you nervous? - the spiker rised his eyebrows.
- No... Yes. I don't know, maybe a little - Nishinoya felt the older  stare at him with worry.
- You don't have to be there with me if you don't want to.
He reached across the table to touch Nishinoya's hand. The tension from to strong, taned (and maybe a little sweaty) palm vibrated across the small boy's hand, and doesn't stop until it came to his stomach just to twist it. For the god sake, it was even nice to look at their hands together, his was so small and pale, and Asahi's looked manly, like a hand that could do anything.
It was definitely something he shouldn't feel while he is with a friend, but it was so warm and nice to touch his skin.
He moved his hand away, to stop himself in the over thinking, but Asahi understand it wrong.
- I am sorry - the gentle giant stared on the table - I shouldn't do things like this...
- No, no... It was fine, just surprised me - Nishinoya lied. He couldn't admit this small touch sent butterflies in his abdomen! 
- What can I bring for you? - A red haired waitress comes to them, giving Asahi an appreciative look. The knot in Nishinoya's stomach have take over the butterflies place. The spiker wasdefinitely popular with girls (why he wouldn't be?), why is he wasting time to make an old teammate feel better?
- Noya, you still drink your coffee black with two sugars? - Asahi asked with afriendly smile.
- Yeah...
- Then two of it.
- I will be back with your drinks - Asahi barely looked on the girl next to him, so she had to leave a bit disappointed.
- How have you known...? - Nishinoya asked perplexed. His fingers started to fidgeting whit the drink menu on the table.
- Oh, that... you once come to our house in your first year to practice, and then I made it for you - he flushed and continued in lower voice - and you know... I kind of drink it the same since that... I thought it was really cool - and it reminded him of the small libero, but he didn't have the courage to say it out loud.
- So that's why. I remembered you have had it with a huge amount of milk - Nishinoya was excited and prud that he could show that he remembered it too.
- Everyone always looked on me with funny expression because they thought it is too childish for someone like me – the older one got anxious for a few moments.
- Who cares what other people think? – There was some of the old flame in Nishinoya's voice, and this made Asahi's heart flutter in happiness.
Nishinoya was always something special, at least for him. In the past two days he was worried about him, he didn't know the wholestory yet, but he missed the happiness and boisterous energy which radiated once from the libero, but he wasn't planning to give up on him not now and not ever. He wanted to make careless and smiling again, to protect him from everyone who could hurt him, including himself.
Asahi knew that he has had a difficult personality even when he was in highschool but since then there were things that happened to him too, and they have definitely left marks on him and his behavior.
He knew about himself being into males since junior high, but he never told anyone. He never spoke up about how deeplyin love he was with the small libero, and now that three years have left, he was through some bad things, and he was hurt emotionally more than once, he knew all of this, and in spite of it his feelings still started to revive. It didn't take more than a look on the spiked haired boy to know, he was helpless again.
He need to remind hinself that Nishinoya maybe is a bisexual, but it doesn't mean he was his type, or wants anything. Now he just needs a friend and too rebuild his trust in people, Asahi can't take advantage from his situation; he knew it too well, so he won't let himself to feel more than that.
- Asahi, are you alright? – The grin on the libero's face has faded.
- Yeah, I just spaced out a bit. No need to worry.
The waitress came back with their coffee, smiling, mostly on Asahi. Nishinoya can't have it unseen how she touched the spiker's forearm while putting down the hot drink, but the guy didn't even look at her twice, just politely thanked her.
- You are really popular with girls... - he mentioned while watching the red hair leave.
- What makes you think so? – Asahi asked a little flushed.
- I was already expecting her to sit in your lap, nearly I felt bad for her,trying so hard... - Noya responded laughing but there was some kind of tension in his voice that Asahi translated to himself as he is made because he didn't get the same attention.
- She just hopes that I will give her high tip – Asahi mumbled uncomfortable with his situation.
- Come on! Don't be so shy, you are amazingly attractive! – the small boy talked without thinking again , and then already regretted it. How stupid he needs to be to say thing like this to his friend?
- Thank you Noya, but I think you are maybe the only one thinking like that –the former ace smiled gently on him, while the libero's ears turned in the darker shades of red.
- Who the fuck says anything else? – He was already so into embarrassing himself that he could even go with it a little further.
- Language – Asahi sighted when people started to turn around because the too loud cursing.
- Whom the fuck has said something else?
- Nishinoya... - the older one whined defeated.
The embraced and flushed Asahi brought some memories back to Nishinoya about Karasuno, back than he thought it is funny how anxious he is, making a little contest how could he make him blush even more by jumping or climbing on him,and he never get angry, just tried to catch him and not fall or drop the tiny boy. Maybe he wasn't as noisy and didn't have as similar personality as him and Tanaka,but he was always there, smiling gently, blushing or trying to reduce the damage two of them did while buggering around.
- I missed you – he said with a suddenly kind voice.
Asahi froze for a minute, the red color disappearing from his face.
- Than why? Why you didn't tell me anything? For three years! – He said it with so low voice that Nishinoya barely heard it – Did I do something to you?
- No, I just... - the libero thought about his last year in Karasuno, when hespoke up again there was an old pique in his voice - Actually yes. You was the one who left me there, I thought we were friends.
- We were... I got a job here, my parents moved here... I had to leave! – Asahi lookedat him misbelieving.
- I don't talk about it! – shouted, but when he noticed the angry look on the face of other guests he continued with lower voice – After you graduated we met twice, both time I was the one asking you, and then I thought maybe you are just kind to me and I am getting to your nerves, so I decided to wait for you to call me. But you never called, you disappeared, now I know that despite the fact that you were on few of our matches, you never contacted me. I heard about you moving from Daichi. After half a year you showed up at New Year party, when Suga made you drink because of your birthday and you get to drunk, I was the one who was looking after you the whole time, but next day you didn't even remembered that I was there, don't get me wrong I knew this was the really rare example of you being drunk and I don't blame you for it. When I decided to comehere in college I heard from Suga that all of you planned to come on our graduation, I wanted to tell you about me coming to Chiba, but you called it off in the last minute,... so yeah, after all of this I didn't think it would even matter if I tell you, you was clearly not interested in keeping in touch with me.
At the end of his monolog he had a wobbly voice but he stared at his former ace undaunted.
- I am sorry Noya... I just had a lot of things in my life. I wanted to meet you,but I was a coward, I am sorry. Your graduation, I have already had the tickets for train, even bought a present for you, but there were a lot of things coming up... - the spiker mumbled anxiously.
- For example what? – Nishinoya asked firmly.
- My... My parents divorced, mostly because of me, my mother have moved to Sendai to help with my brother's twins, and my father left for good, I think he went to Tokyo, but we haven't talked since it .So I had to learn how to live alone – his eyes were directed on the table for the whole time, a little tear escaping from them, and his voice was full of guilt and self-hate.
- Asahi, I am sorry... I shouldn't have pushed you - the libero realized he had gone a little too far.
The other boy didn't do anything but help him altough they weren't friends anymore, and now Noya,... How stupid should he be to start him to blame for things that happened years ago?
- Nah, you have the right to know why have I been so unfair towards you...
-Asahi! Please! Don't be so kind to me, you should be angry on me, yell with me for being so irreverent – Nishinoya reached across the table to hold on the spiker's forearm, he wanted to get some real reaction. He is not so breakable, Asahi doesn't need to tolerate his selfishness.
- No, Nishinoya, don't. From your perspective I was really awful, if i was you I would be upset too – his kind voice and honest smile calmed down the libero,and the sadness in his eyes have started to fade away, leaving only a memory in Nishinoya to remind him that he is not the only one whose life wasn't all flowers and happiness in the time they spent separated.
They just sit there for few minutes, drinking their coffee, both of them got a few things to think about, but then the time just passed and neither of them knew what they could even say, the silence growing more and more uncomfortable.
- Asahi... You brought me here, because you wanted to hear about what happened in college that made things like they are, aren't you? – Nishinoya was the first who spoke up.
- Yes, of course – Asahi was clearly surprised because of the sudden change –But you don't need to tell me if you don't want to...
- I... I think you deserve to know, since you landed in the middle of it...
It was a long conversation, with a lot's of anger, and tears from both of them,somewhere in between Asahi have changed the seat to be next to Noya. This was the first time the small guy have thought about all of it, of the one mistake he made and everything it caused to his life, even losing the only thing he loved,the volleyball. He missed the sport, he missed his friends, and he missed going to school without fear.
At the end they sat there for long time in silence, Asahi comforting the sobbing libero in his arms. When did he hug him? Neither of them really knew, but it was so natural and warm feeling that none of them questioned the accuracy of it.