Amazing Grace (Jonathan Toews)

Gone

Gracie

"Gracie" my dads deep voice rings through the phone and I freeze.

It's been so long since I heard his voice, I kind of missed it. I loved the way he said my name, back when I was young and innocent. When I thought my daddy was a hero, the greatest guy in the world. A lot has changed since those young days, I'm not sure if I was missing that or his voice. But I was not expecting that and it gave me chills hearing it. His voice used to be so familiar but right now it's cold and unusual.

"Daddy" I ask not really sure how he got my number or why on earth he would want to call me.

"It's me baby. I need you to come home. You have to come home right now" he says softly. His voice has never wavered like that before, he's a hard cookie to crack, but right now his voice sounded shattered.

"What's wrong" I ask knowing he will only beg if it's something very very important to him.

"It's your mom" he whispers and I feel every single muscle in my body clinch. My world starts to get dark as my stomach starts to turn.

"What about my mom" I ask.

"She was shot Gracie... she didn't make it" he cried.

I immediately drop my phone as his words sink into my skin and rush through my body. Like a poison I can feel it everywhere, making me very sick. I felt so weak and ill. It doesn't take long for my legs to fail me and I fall to my knees as my sobs pour out of me. Like a waterfall the tears shoot out of my eyes and into my hands as I let out the pain that I was feeling.

Jonny quickly appears by my side and he wraps his arms around me. He pulls me into his chest and I tangle my fingers in his shirt. I try to let the all pain out and into the open but it was still in there, it was still in me and I couldn't get it out. I felt it everywhere as the world around me starts to spin.

"Baby what's wrong" he begs as he holds on to me for his life.

"They killed her" I cry into his chest.

"They killed who" he asks so softly.

"My mom. They killed her" I repeat and he stops rubbing my back. He grabs my face and makes me look into his deep doe eyes. He was a little blurry but he quickly dries my tears as they fall onto my face. I see that he too was crying as we just looked at each other. I could see the hurt in his eyes, I knew he loved my mom too. And I know he knew that she was my entire world, and now she's gone.

He pulls my head into his chest and I latch my arms around his back. We just sit on the floor and cry for a while before I couldn't cry anymore. Neither of us knew how long we were down there, it didn't really matter. Time was sweet and valuable now, not a given, so it didn't matter how long we sat there and cried. I could sit there forever and I still would be sad that my best friend in this whole world is gone.

Eventually I pick my head off of Jon's chest and let out a long sigh. I was exhausted from crying and having my heart broken. I felt so sick and so weak, I wasn't really sure what to do or say.

"She's really gone" I whisper.

"Are you sure" Jon asks.

"Yeah. I can feel it, like part of me is missing. She's really gone" I insist.

"I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do" he asks and I look up.

"Do you think we can go to the church" I sniffle.

"Of course Grace. I'll get our coats" he says and I nod.

I pick myself off the floor and grab my phone. Somehow it didn't crack but now I just felt like throwing it so it can break just like my heart just did. I felt like calling my dad back and just screaming at him. I wanted to tell him that I hated him for taking my life away then taking away the only woman I can call my mother. I wanted to yell and tell him that he did this and he needs to fix it.

But that would be pointless, because he can't fix it. He can't fix what happened between us, and he can't bring my mom back. And I wanted so bad to be mad at him. I wanted to hit him and yell at him. I wanted him to feel the same pain he caused me. But then I remembered he lost his wife too. He wanted nothing more than to be loved by her, and he couldn't have that anymore. And nothing I could say to him was more painful than that.

My mom said it best. They were in the type of love you don't fall out of. No matter what my dad did, my mom would remain faithful to him. The only time she ever disagreed with him was when it was about me. And as much as I hate that she died for him, I know that there wasn't a damn thing she wouldn't do for him.

"Here" Jon say helping me get my coat on. We hop in his car and head over to the church.

I find myself in my usual spot in the church. Second row inside isle seat, perfect view of the service but I could still see my mom. When I was a little girl and had attachment issues I had to be able to see my mom at all times. So my dad sat here with me in his lap and and I never did lose sight of her. That is until now.

"Gracie" Jon says.

"Yeah Jonny" I say.

"It looks like there's something on the stand up there" he claims. I look closer and it did look like something was there. So I get up and walk up the steps to the stand. I see a piece of paper and just from the handwriting I can tell it's my moms. I pick it up and begin to read it.

"We don't live forever, we don't die on a cross only to be resurrected forty days later, we don't get second chances to undo what we've done, and we don't get to start over. One day we will be in heaven along with other people who had walked the same earth we do and when they left they hoped they left something behind that was worth remembering.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, what I will leave behind once I'm gone. Of course I have this beautiful church, a family organization that I've put my everything in. But time has a effect on this church, who attends or stops attending. What script we read from and how we interpret it.

But something time will never have a effect on is the love of a mother. I look at my only girl like Mary did to Jesus. And while I was not carrying the lord and savior, I was carrying a saint in the making. This one named Grace, and she is nothing short of amazing.

I couldn't be more proud of my baby, because she's not perfect, but her sins are few and her deeds are great. She has such a beautiful mind of her own, and a soul more valuable than gold. She's been so strong recently even though things have been hard, but I couldn't be more proud. I'm glad to know that she's my daughter, that she's my blood and she's using her life for good. It's something that when I'm gone, and she's still here, I can be so very proud of the person she is.

When Jesus died on that cross he had more than one follower to make sure his legacy would be fulfilled in his time he was gone. I just have one kid who doesn't need to drink wine and eat bread to be a part of me. She already is. And if that's what I leave on this earth than I did a pretty great job."

I set the paper down and wipe away the tears. Jon appears beside me and starts to rub my shoulders.

"What did it say" he asks.

"I think my mom knew this was going to happen" I admit.

"Really" he questions.

"Yeah. She was talking about what she was going to leave behind when she's in heaven" I explain.

"And what was it" he asks.

"It was me" I say turning to him.

"Of course it was you. You're someone any mother would be proud to have" he insists.

"I don't want anyone else to be my mother besides her. What am I going to do" I ask as I start to cry again. I'm not sure how, I should be dehydrated by now.

"You're going to make sure that what she left behind is something that she would be proud of. That you're doing her justice and remembering all the things she's said to you to get you this far in life" he insists.

"She taught me everything" I whisper.

"And she loved every bit of who you have become" he claims.

"And I'm going to miss her more than anything."