Bullet Pointed Fairy Tales

Snow White and the Seven Hobbits

- Snow White was the daughter of the King and Queen of a random village that was located somewhere that was most probably not the U.K. as we have s**t weather here)

- Depending on what story you read, Snow's mother died while giving birth to her, or Snow's mother grew ill after she had Snow, and died when Snow was one-six years old.

- Her father married a beautiful woman (he must have been blind), who then became Snows stepmother, so of course she had to be evil, as you can never have a nice stepmother in fairy-tales. That would just be completely stupid. After all, Disney always represents people as real humans. *sarcastic voice*

- The evil Queen either killed Snows father out of evilness or he was still there when Snow was sent away, but he just doesn't give a f**k.

- The evil Queen was narcissistic (she was obsessed with her self - this is actually a real condition!), and had a magical mirror who would answer any question she wanted, so instead of asking where she could get a better nose-job so that she doesn't look like Voldemort, she asked who was the fairest of them all because, as I said before, she was narcissistic.

- Every time she would ask, the mirror would tell her "you my Queen", which fed her ego even more, to the point where I'm pretty sure it was the size of Canada.

- However one day when she asked the mirror and it told her that she wasn't, and that it was actually Snow White that was the fairest of them all. (s**t is literally about to go down at this point)

- The evil Queen was so incredibly jealous, that she ordered Snow White to be killed by the Huntsman or her assistant type person depending on what movie you watch.

- She orders them to bring back Snow Whites heart or liver as proof that she was dead cause she's just that creepy.

- They took her out to the middle of the forest to be killed, however they relented due to her kindness/gorgeousness/irresistibleness/sassiness and told her to run far away so that the Queen didn't catch her, or they might just let her go as they thought that she might get eaten by something evil, cause you can't have woods without monsters.

- Snow White ran away like a pansy.

- The Huntsman/Assistant then caught a deer and took it's liver or heart back to the evil Queen instead of Snow White's.

- The Queen is an idiot because she instantly believes him, and goes back to pruning herself in her mirror.

- Snow keeps running, and finally comes across a very small house.

- She then breaks into it and goes to sleep in several of the beds as they were so small, not thinking for one second that it could possibly be the home of someone else.

- She woke up to find 7 dwarves looking at her and probably planning to charge her for breaking and entering.

- They don't because she cooks for them and gives them her sob story

- Evil Queen asked the mirror her stupid question, but he told her that it was still Snow White and she realised that the Huntsman or Assistant is a lying idiot.

- The Queen was really angry, and plotted to kill Snow White.

- Because she was a witch, she used magic to make a poisoned apple, even though if there is a spell to make poison, then surely there would be a spell to kill her with magic, and could save the Queen a lot of trouble, however the Queen is obviously very stupid, and so she devised a complicated plan to kill her with a poisoned apple.

- Meanwhile, Snow White helped the dwarves (which I actually think is an extremely prejudiced name because of people with short stature sometimes get called that and it is just wrong and mean, so I'm going to now refer to them as Hobbits), so anyway, Snow White helps the Hobbits around the house by tidying their rooms, (if this is the Disney one, then she gets helped by a load of little birds and squirrels cause her voice is so high that they answer to it, but if it's not then that scene is extremely boring because she is just cleaning).

- So the Hobbits went to work in the mines, (which is where they were when Snow White broke into their house), but they warn her that she shouldn't open up the door to anyone.

- So then the Queen came along disguised as an old woman and knocked on the Hobbits door. Snow came to the door and despite the Hobbits clear warning that she shouldn't open the door for ANYONE. And I mean ANYONE! She decides to be an idiot and do it anyway. Although to Snows credit, she only opened the first half of the door if you're watching the singing Disney version, and the Hobbits never said that she shouldn't eat food given to her by weird old women.

- Snow then ate an apple that was given to her by the Queen, and so now the story really splits two ways.

Path 1:

- The Queen was an idiot because she didn't properly poison the apple, so Snow only fell asleep, however the Queen probably would have known this if she had checked her pulse like any self respecting bad guy would, but she didn't, so she just walked off while she cackled.

- The Hobbits came home to find their 'precious Snow White' lying on the ground.

- They also presume that she is dead without checking for a pulse.

- They then went after the Queen as it started to predictably rain, and find her on a very helpful cliff.

- They push her off and that's the end of the evil Queen.

- They then went back and are sad because Snow is dead, and so they put her into a glass coffin for no apparent reason and just left her in the middle of forest where everyone can see her dead corpse, (although she is technically sleeping).

- A not-so-handsome prince came along and saw her and thought she was beautiful, cause that's what everyone thinks when they see a dead corpse.

- He asked if he could kiss her, (which is creepy because who wants to kiss a corpse), but when he did she woke up from her sleep/coma state, and got carried off in the prices arms, on a horse, with all of her little magical singing creatures around her, and lived happily ever after.

The End

Or...

Path 2:

- Snow bit into the apple but it gets lodged in her throat so she goes into a coma thing and stopped breathing for a long time.

- The Queen walked off and then idiotically tried to copy stupid people and do cliff jumping, however she failed and got crushed by the rocks (or she just fell and just died).

- The Hobbits got home and were very sad that Snow was dead.

- They left her in a glass coffin (which they totally nicked off Cinderella), and soon enough a Prince trotted by. And yes he was on a horse, he's not that mentally unstable

- He fell in love with her, and asked if he could take her body back with him to his massive castle. (I take back what I said about his mental state)

- The Hobbits said yes, (which definitely showed how much they care for her by letting a random dude walk off with her), and picked her up.

- As they were walking, the apple was magically un-lodged from her throat and she woke up.

- She and the prince declared their love for eachother, even though she only just met him 3 seconds ago, and they ride off on his horse, (who I honestly think acts a little too camp in the disney movie, but honestly if you look at the horses in all the disney movies, then you will see this is a recurring problem), but they lived happily ever after.

The End