In the feels

March 24, 2018

Why am I the way that I am
I look at my face and all I see are imperfections
How my nose is too big and too round
How I have way too much acne on my face
How my eyebrows are so bushy
How my teeth appear to be yellow
How my chin is too rounded
And I just hate that it has an indent in it
I look in the mirror and I see
How one shoulder is higher than the other
How I have acne on my shoulders :/
My stomach is too round
You can't even tell that I used to have a 6-pac almost
I see how I have stretch marks on my thighs
The same thighs that I hate for being to freaking big
And I hate how short my feet look
They're too flat
And My toes are way too stubby
What sad is no one even knows that I hate all these things about me. And that's just the physical things I don't like.
I hate how
When I smile my eyes squint a ton
Or how when I laugh I look like I'm crying
And my laugh is so weird
It gets deep and eventually to the point where I make no sound
And oh my god I get so red in the face.
I hate that I have a lazy eye
And it's so bad I can't look up like normal
I hate that I overthink things
I hate how I will change my clothes 5+ times in one day cuz I can't decide.
I hate that I can't decide on legit anything
Whether it's food, what to do, or even how I wanna wear my hair that day
And I hate how I can't let my food touch on my plate
Cuz if it does I'll freak out and I can't bring myself to eat it
I hate how I always wind up venting to my friends
Cuz I don't want to
I don't wanna bring them down
And I definitely don't want pity
I hate that when I'm uncomfortable in public I resort to being on my phone
I can't seem to find the strength to be confident
And I hate how my voice sounds when I'm excited
Cuz it gets so high it's annoying
I hate how I easily obsess over things
Like a song I discovered
A story I read
A post I saw on social media
And more
I hate that I love the rain more than the sun
Cuz that's just fucking depressing and sounds emo
I hate that I've been labeled emo more than one time
Cuz I can't control how I feel
I hate crying in public
Cuz all I show is weakness
And I don't want anyone seeing me so vulnerable
I don't wanna seem so fragile
So with that
I hate the fact that I have cried in public like
I hate the fact that I want affection
Whether a kiss on the cheek from a future boyfriend
Or a hug from a best friend
I just want it
I hate that I need others for validation
And I hate that I write out my problems
Cuz instead of trying to work them out
I come here and let them out
Like it's some sort of life line
Which is the stupidest shit ever
But hey that's just the way I am
That's the way I view myself
And I can't possibly think
Of someone ever
Being able to love me for all my faults
Like people tell me someone will one day
Cuz there's just too many
For them too handle.
Gosh I don't know if I can even handle them all.