Help Me Push Aside All the Things I've Left Behind (Tayley)

9: Tonight I'll Lay Awake Feeling Empty

Chapter 9:

Hayley's POV:

Compulsive cleaning. That is what I had spent the last five hours of my life doing. Picking up every little mess that remained from the Halloween Party.

Reason why I was so busy cleaning, was because it was easier for my mind to be distracted.

I wiped the table for the fourth time this morning only to hear the back door open.

"Hayley?" Jeremy questioned as he walked in with apologetic eyes.

"Yes." Was all I managed to say not bothering to break focus. I'd figure that if I kept busy, I will keep from actually having to face facts.

I haven't cried, mainly because the second that Taylor walked out that door, I focused on picking up the physical mess in my life.

"Hayley." I heard Jeremy say again as I walked back into the living room where I began to clean the glass table.

"Hayley." Jeremy said with a sigh.

"What?"

"What are you doing?" He asked leaning against the opening from the kitchen to the living room.

"Cleaning." I said simply. I didn't want to bother getting dragged in a conversation. Not now anyways.

"Hayley," he sighed. "Taylor called."

I stopped wiping the glass table to look at him. "What did he say?" I asked with my throat closing.

"He said that you guys had an argument and that he went back to Nashville. Only for a few days."

"Oh." I turned back to clean the rest of the table.

"Hayley, are you alright?" He asked stepping closer to me.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be fine?" I pulled away from him to walk to the table across from us. "Its fine Jeremy, it explains why he turned off his phone. I'm just glad he's safe. I mean why wouldn't I be okay..." I continued to mumble every single word of the rant I was having.

I could feel Jeremy's eyes on the back of my skull. He was looking at me with sympathetic eyes. And that was the last thing I wanted to get from anyone. Sympathy.

"Hayley. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, no," I shook my head. "I'm fine, everything is fine."

Then I turned my hand dropping a vase on the floor. "Shit." I said bending over to pick it up. Accidently cutting my hand with the large piece that broke off.

"Hayley." Jeremy rushed over to me.

"It's fine Jeremy." I bent down trying to pick up more pieces but only covering them with more blood. I didn't break my gaze from the broken pieces on the floor. Not for a second did I bother to look up. My thoughts were scrambling themselves inside of my brain making it hard to focus on more than one thing at a time.

"Hayley, please let me clean that up before it gets infected." Jeremy dropped to his knees trying to grasp my wounded hand.

"No." I pulled it out of his reach. "I have to fix this Jeremy. I have to glue these broken pieces back together." I felt tears coming to my eyes and I knew very well that I was no longer talking about the vase.

"Hayles, you can't fix it with a wounded hand. Please let me clean this." I looked up to him releasing a piece onto the floor. A loud clank sound like boomed from the area. And I lost it, I couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears began to pour out of my eyes. I slowly broke down into full sobs. Jeremy softly taking me in his arms rubbing my back in a comforting manner as I soaked up his shirt.

"Why do I always mess things up?" I managed to ask as I allowed myself to cry more. "What is wrong with me?"

Jeremy shrugged. "Its part of every relationship H. Don't get down on yourself." I knew that he was right.

"But I did this to him Jeremy. I pulled him to the edge and finally pushed him off. I ruined everything and now I don't know if he will ever forgive me. Jeremy I love him so much. I can't lose him."

"I know Hayley. I know." He whispered as he placed a gentle kiss to the side of my head. "He'll come back. I'm sure of that."

We stayed quiet for what felt like an eternity. Holding onto my cut up hand I broke my watery eyes to meet Jeremy's. "How do you know?" I managed to get out with a raspy voice.

"Because the way you feel about him. He feels the same way about you." I smiled at the thought.

"I sure hope you're right."

"I am." He gave me a reassuring squeeze. "Now come on. Let's go put a bandage on that." He pulled me up and we stepped into the downstairs bathroom where he cleaned the cut with rubbing alcohol, which burned like hell, and placed a bandage on it.

Later on that night i was in the balcony with my song journal in hand. A glass of wine to my left, Bill on my lap, as I snuggled myself into Taylor's hoodie. It was still unwashed so it smelled just like him.

I had lost track of time as I had spent the whole evening around the house cleaning what was already clean. Organizing my closet. Hanging out in Taylor's closet just get his scent on my body. I even spent some time on my laptop looking at old Paramore show videos on YouTube just so I could see his face.

Another tear rolled down my face as I debated on whether or not to try his cell one last time. The past one hundred times, they would go to voicemail. Maybe this time would be different.

I wiped the tear of my face and pressed call.

One Ring, two ring, three ring....

"Hello, you've reached Taylor York's number. I'm not able to pick up the phone right now. Just leave your name and number and I will get back to you as soon as I can." BEEP...

"Taylor." I sighed feeling my voice already begin to crack as unwelcomed tears rolled down my pale face. "I miss you like crazy and I don't know what to do. You're the only think that's running through my mind. I could see the sun rising from above the hills and it's just another day without you waiting for me." I sniffed. "I looked in the mirror babe and I don't recognize myself. I need you." I inhaled trying to catch some courage. "Life goes at its normal speed. Night turns into day, but it all seems wrong without you here. It all seems different. It all seems so difficult without you in my life." A cold wind blew sending shivers down my spine. "My cold body asks for your heat Taylor and I don't know where you are." Another tear runs down my face landing on a piece of paper with many lyrics already written. "You know I'm sitting at our balcony drinking some wine. Something we used to do together." I chuckled. A teary chuckle. "But it all seems so depressing without you. If you wouldn't have left, I would be so happy." I wiped my tears again using the sleeve of his hoodie. "Taylor," I choked on his name. "Please come home soon."

With that I ended the call. Deciding that I might as well get a little bit of sleep before we have to come into the studio the next day, I drank the last of the wine straight from the bottle. I crawled into the covers grasping Taylor's pillow in my arms. I buried my face into it hoping that I get to feel his strong arms around me soon. Bill came and hopped onto the beg snuggling up against Taylor's pillow.

"You miss him too huh, buddy?" I asked as if he could response. Bill sniffed Taylor's pillow and made a whimpering sound.

"Me too Bill." I buried my face into his pillow letting the tears run down my face.

"Me too..." I said in a hush whisper that trailed into quiet sobs.

**A/n: how are the waterworks coming along?**