jinyoung wasn't an anxious person. he didn't have a problem standing in front of a class, talking about genetics or world war ii. he did get nervous before games, but it was the good kind of nervous. he was excited, not anxious. he was a decent student, always studying, so he had no reason to get anxious in front of exams. he knew what anxiety felt like from what jackson had told him, and jinyoung felt bad that his friend had to experience it because it didn't sound nice, but he couldn't relate too much to him.
jinyoung wasn't a person who got anxious easily, but today, right now as he was walking to the old playground, he was sweating from angst.
he needed to fix this. he needed for youngjae to hear him out and blame him instead of jaebum.
jinyoung had been thinking a lot about himself and his life lately. he had realized what a selfish, ignorant asshole he was. how he treated his enemies, and even worse, how he treated his friends.
this was a chance to fix himself. to change. but more importantly, to help his best friend be happy. he couldn't screw this up.
his palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy.
jinyoung tried to breathe deeply and slowly. he was there. youngjae was sitting on a swing, staring into the void not noticing the other.
jinyoung approached him, dreading this conversation but at the same time wanting to have it. needing it.
„hey." finally, youngjae looked up, jumping back in his swing a little. jinyoung watched him closely; the boy was a mess. dark circles were highlighting his red, puffy eyes. it looked like he didn't even bother combing his hair, and like he was wearing the clothes he slept in. although it looked like he didn't sleep, at all, but cried all night instead.
„hi." youngjae said. he didn't move, so jinyoung assumed he wanted to stay by the swings. he sat on the other one, looking down at his shoes, letting the silence wash over him.
„you wanted to talk." he did. jinyoung had it all planned out: what to say, how to say it, what to do if youngjae didn't react as expected. but his mind went blank. „so talk."
„listen-" jinyoung started, but stopped himself. „youngjae- ugh, fuck."
youngjae was pissed. the boy wanted to talk to him, so why didn't he? he was going to make a comment, or just straight up leave, but he noticed how jinyoung was struggling to find the right words.
„this is all my fault. all of it." jinyoung managed to get out. his eyes were still focused on his shoes.
„is that what he wanted you to tell me? very creative." youngjae chuckled but there was nothing but disappointment in his voice.
„what? no. he has no idea i'm here." jinyoung explained defensively. „i haven't heard from him since the party.. he won't talk to me."
„wasn't he in school today?" youngjae sounded concerned, which he was. jinyoung shook his head, and he younger noticed something in his face that he couldn't quite explain.
was it sadness? sorrow? whatever it was, youngjae was kind of shocked.. jinyoung wasn't a stone cold dick. he cared for his friends. and even though he had been an asshole, youngjae couldn't help but feel bad for him.
„youngjae.." jinyoung took a deep breath, exhaling it audibly. „i'm sorry, okay? i was a dick, i am a dick. i wasn't thinking. the whole thing was my idea." he paused to look at youngjae but quickly turned his gaze back to the ground.
„school is ending soon.. i kept thinking about my future and it scared me. it scares me. we were drunk, we were playing truth or dare and i was thinking about you. your dad, i mean. i thought it would be funny to-" he sighed.
„so it was jaebum's turn and i told him to make you fall in love with him so we could all get scholarships with your dad's help. it was insanely stupid, i know. but i was scared, and drunk, and so was jaebum. i took advantage of him." jinyoung waited for a reaction but when he didn't get anything, he kept talking.
„he didn't want to do it, from the beginning. i pushed him so he didn't really have a choice. i manipulated him.. jackson thought it was fun at first, but he noticed that jaebum actually started to like you. he told me to stop but i didn't believe jaebum could be falling for you, i thought it was just a game to him like it was to me."
he looked at youngjae again. tears were streaming down the younger's face but he kept calm, he wiped them with a tissue, sniffing every now and then. and he looked at jinyoung still, whose eyes started tearing up, too, but he forced them back.
„jaebummie told me multiple times that he wanted to stop playing that game. and he did stop playing it. hell, i don't think he even really started it. it was real for him and it still is. and you can blame everything on me, no, you _ should blame everything on me because it's all my fault. but please don't be mad at him." a deep breath he didn't even know he was holding escaped jinyoung's lips.
„seeing him like that, at the party, it broke my fucking heart. and the fact that i caused it makes it a hundred times worse. i just wanna make things right. i don't expect you to forgive me, but please forgive him. please."
only when youngjae handed him a fresh tissue, jinyoung noticed that he wasn't pushing the tears back anymore.
+++
just dudes being bros, crying 2gether on the swings
HELO I'M ON VACATION i'm in macedonia visiting the family™️ and when i didn't have wifi bc we had a power blackout i wrote THIS
a few things:
i. i didn't proofread this so don't @ me
ii. i don't want this story to end???? ever????? so i'll probably put some very useless chapters in it to delay the ending yeet
iii. i love u guys??? no tea just facts, i love reading your comments, they crack me tf UP and i just love all of u for reading this story and i just wanna hUg u and boop ur noses
iv. i???? l ov E,,, GOD7
v. i..... feel like posting a selfie so here u go JSJSSH
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this is me being soft for u guys..... i love u..... also idk what's going on with my hair just ignore it..........
