If You're Hurt They Bleed

Great

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry... I bit my lip and kept my head down. Hopefully, I wouldn't run into Molly before I left today. I can't handle talking to her with a smile after this morning, especially since she'd gotten my hopes up so high. I knew it wasn't her fault this happened, but it was my only chance to get a lead role, as far as I was concerned, and I felt like I'd blew it. I shouldn't have even auditioned in the first place. I should have stayed behind the scenes. That's where I belong. In my family, with my friends, and clearly in the theater.

I managed to reach the bus without seeing anyone, but shortly after I got on, I saw a text from the one person I really didn't want to talk to.

Drama Queen💗💗: I just got the script! I don't think I can handle this...
Techie💜💜: You'll be fine. If you can't handle this, no one can.
Drama Queen💗💗: You would be able too. Maybe I should talk to Robinski and tell him to give you my role.
Techie💜💜: it's fine. Besides, even if I did want the role that badly, I would never ask you to do that. I would want to earn it.
Drama Queen💗💗: you did earn it. You should have gotten it. I don't know how I did in the first place. Besides, I don't want to sing Bad Idea with Grayson. It's going to be so uncomfortable!

I sighed, putting my phone down. Great. Not only did she get my dream role, she's going to complain about it for two months.

I sink into my seat, popping my headphones in.

Today's a day, like any other but I am-

I quickly put on something else, ANYTHING else than that. The soundtrack I've loved since it came out suddenly made me want to sob. It's all I'd listened to for months, and now I couldn't even look at the album cover.

Quickly switching to the 'Something Rotten!' soundtrack, I hopped off the bus and started walking home. I just need some time to chill. I'll be fine tomorrow.

My parents weren't home yet, so I was free to do whatever I wanted. Instead of my usual screaming lyrics, I grabbed a slice of cheesecake and went up to my room, putting RENT on my computer. It was only then that I let tears escape my eyes. 

There's something my dad's always said that's stuck with me. 

"Crying is cleansing. There's a reason for tears, happiness, or sadness."  but today my tears just made me more upset with every sob. I held anger in. Anger at myself for being upset that Molly got Jenna, anger that I let my hopes soar when I knew that they'd be crushed. Mostly though, it was just anger that I knew this just proved what my mom thought about me. I was... mediocre at best. I didn't have dreams to be on Broadway or be rich and famous. I just wanted a good life, but whenever I thought I was on the way, Mom was there to shut me down. Those were the times I felt most alone, within my own mind. Left alone with my thoughts, running a mile a minute. Those were when my mind drifted over to my darkness. The part of me no one knows exists but is always on the verge of escaping, of overthrowing me. 

'One Song Glory', my favorite song from RENT, pulled me out of a spiral. I grabbed my guitar from the wall and started playing along, struggling to keep up though the rhythm was simple. I felt myself be sucked into the music, guitar blasting out of my amp. I barely even heard Dad at my door. 

"Maya?" His voice stopped me playing, causing Roger's voice to overpower his. 

"Yeah?" I propped my door open, walking back to my laptop to turn it off. 

"The cast list was posted today, right? What'd you get?" He smiled eagerly, and I couldn't help but mirror his response. 

"Becky. Moll got Jenna." I shrugged. 

"That's great!" He paused, noticing that my smile moved from genuine to plaster. "Aren't you happy?"

"Yeah, yeah. Of course. I guess I just got my hopes up." I looked down. 

He wrapped me in a hug. "It's okay to be sad, hon. You'll be a great Becky, too. Doesn't she sing your favorite song anyway?"

"Yup." my voice was muffled from his shoulder. 

"There ya go, then. Now, do your homework. I want to finish RENT with you later." He ruffled my hair and closed the door. 

I pulled out my homework and started on math, wondering if binomials were really going to help me in the future. I put on Wicked and settled into my beanbag. 

"Let's go."