Don't look back

Fifteen

"Why are we doing this?" Mary asked Carl, as they sharpened thick sticks with knifes.
"To protect ourselves." Carl sighed, as if the child was annoying him.
Mary nodded, and hung her head, carrying on to try and sharpen the stick, but failing at it, often narrowly missing her hand.
"Nice lids kids," Shane smiled, walking over to them, referring to Carl wearing the sheriff hat, and Mary wearing his cap, "what's going on?"
"I wanna learn to shoot too. Can you teach me?" Carl asked quickly. The sudden question surprised Mary, and she accidentally sliced her hand instead of the stick. She hid it behind her back, but began to cry.
"Uh, well, man, that, that's up to your parents." Shane sighed awkwardly, sitting on the edge of the car beside them.
"Can you talk to them? They'll listen to you." Carl asked.
"We'll see. Okay?" Shane nodded slowly.
"Me too!" Mary added, not really knowing what Carl was asking. Shane raised his eyebrows at her, then looked over to Carl.
"Mary, what's wrong?" Shane asked, and Mary shook her head. "Hey. Let me see what you've got there." Shane ordered suddenly, looking at a large object in Carl's pocket. Carl looked Shane in the eyes, and pulled a gun out. Mary's eyes went wide, and she stepped back.
"Come on!" Shane exclaimed in frustration.
"What?" Carl defended, annoyed.
"I can't believe this." Shane sighed. "Come on now." He ordered, walking over to Lori and Rick, and when neither of the children followed him, he took each of them by the hand and pulled them over.
"He's got a gun," Shane sighed to Rick and Lori, "and they were both playing with knifes."
"What!" Lori exclaimed, glaring at Carl.
"How the hell did you get a gun?" Rick shouted slightly, called Dale over, then picked Mary up as she began to cry.
Lori pulled Carl over to a bench, and told him to sit down, then she took his gun.
"How the hell did this happen!" Lori hissed angrily.
"Well it's my fault. I let him into the RV. He said he wanted a walkie, that you'd sent him for one." Dale admitted.
"So on top of everything else he lied. What's he thinking!" Lori sighed.
"He wants to learn how to shoot. They both do. They asked me to teach them. Now, it's none of my business but I'm happy to do it. It's it's your call." Shane replied calmly.
"We'll, I'm not comfortable with it!" Lori said quickly, but was greeted with silence. She glared at Rick. "Oh, don't make me out to be the unreasonable one here. Rick?"
"I know. Not Mary. And I have my concerns too, but..." Rick began.
Lori cut him off, her voice louder and harsher, making Mary cry more. "There is no but, he was just shot! He's just back on his feet, and he wants a gun?"
"Better than him being afraid of them. There were guns in camp for a reason. He should learn to handle them safely." Rick explained calmly.
"Me too." Mary mumbled.
"I don't want my kids walking around with guns! Mary's four. She's not being taught how to kill someone. And I don't want Carl to either." Lori insisted.
"How can you defend that? I agree with Mary not having one! But you can't let him go around without protection." Rick replied, stressed.
"He's as safe as he'll ever be right here. Look, everything you're saying makes perfect sense. It feels wrong. I mean, I don't feel good about him following you out into the woods, and I wish I'd said something. I should have gone with my gut!"
"He's growing up, thank God. We gotta start... We gotta start treating him more like an adult." Rick persuaded.
"Then he needs to act like one! He's not mature enough to handle a gun."
Carl got up, and walked towards his mother. "I'm not gonna play with them mom. It... It's not a toy. I'm sorry I disappointed you. But I want to look for Sophia. I want to defend our camp. I want to save Mary if it comes to that. Protect her. I can't do that without a gun." Carl begged.
"Shane's the best instructor I know. I've seen him teach kids younger than Carl." Rick soothed, and Lori went silent, then walked over to Carl and took his face into her hands.
"You will take this seriously. And you will behave responsibly. And if I hear from anyone in this camp that you are not living up to our expectations..." Lori said in a dangerous whisper.
"He won't let you down." Rick insisted, cutting her off.
"Yeah." Carl nodded strongly, and Lori nodded back, then walked away. "Training is today?" Carl checked with Shane and he nodded.
"Yeah. Now. You coming?" Shane asked Rick.
"Yeah." Rick replied with a nod.
"Me too." Mary whispered to Rick, half questioning.
"No. The noises will scare you. You stay with Maggie, yeah?"
"You!" Mary whined.
"No. You stay with Maggie. You'll hate it, and cry the whole time." Rick sighed.
"No." Mary cried, and Rick held her close, then walked over to Maggie, and mouthed can you take her? Maggie nodded.
"Hey, Mary, I need some help. My walls are plain and boring. Will you draw me some pictures?" Maggie asked softly. Mary shook her head, her face pressed into Rick's shirt. "Please? It's really important. And I've got some chocolate."
"With daddy." Mary cried.
"I'll come with you, do one picture together, then I gotta go. Deal?" Rick sighed softly. Then he looked at her suddenly. "What happened to your hand?"
"I cut it." Mary mumbled. Rick sighed, and cleaned the cut, then bandaged it up, and sat at the table.
"What shall I draw?" Rick whispered to Mary.
"A horse." Mary replied, and Rick nodded, sat her on her own chair, and drew a terrible picture of a horse in wax crayons, as Mary drew some chickens. She barely noticed when he left.

"You're in a good mood." Dale chuckled at Mary, as she helped him make burgers on the barbecue that lunch time, singing under her breath.
"Daddy and Carl are back." She shrugged, and Dale smiled and mocked her cap off playfully. She glared at him, then laughed and put it back on.
Lori walked over, and Mary ran over to her, then sat on her knee, and played with Lori's hair, her eyes slowly closing. Within five minutes, she was asleep.
Suddenly, Lori jumped up, and jogged away, almost being sick. Mary was asleep in her arms, and Dale followed her, as she sat on rocks with Mary in her arms until she felt better.
Dale looked, and saw Mary was napping. "My wife was pregnant once. She, uh, miscarried, and we didn't try again after that." He said suddenly.
"I'm so sorry." Lori whispered in shock.
"But," Dale carried on, "the thing that I remember most is how nauseated she became at the smell of cooking meat. And she was she was a meat eating gal, my wife. But with the pregnancy, that thanksgiving, the turkey, she couldn't be in the house for two days until it was aired out, poor thing."
"Glenn told." Lori nodded.
"What did you expect? The boy has no guile."
"I haven't told Rick. I can't." Lori whispered shakily, one of her tears dropping onto the top of Mary's head.
"Because of Shane." Dale replied nonchalantly.
"Was it that obvious?" Lori gasped slightly.
"No, no, I don't think anyone knew. I didn't, not for sure."
"Look, I thought my husband was dead. And I felt like I'd died with him and I... I wanted to feel something, anything. But now I hate myself for it." Lori explained tearfully.
"And the baby?"
"It's Rick's. And none of the rest of it matters."
"Then what's your concern? You know how much he loves kids. He handles that little girl better than anyone. Patience of a saint."
"Memories are what keep me going now. Memories of what life used to be. And I... I've got a deep well to draw on. I still remember joy. But I think Carl's well is already running dry. Mary, she just... Cries and is scared. She's lost so much as she's still just a baby. And this baby? The baby won't have any good memories at all only fear and pain." Lori cried, Mary stirring in her arms.
"You can't think like that! We can still find joy. And we can... We can still take strength from each other."
"Do you really think this baby has a chance that he could grow up and live a happy life? Look me in the eye, and tell me that my baby will grow up to be your age and, and die happy. Tell me. Tell me you believe that." Lori sobbed. Then she got up, and walked away, her movement making Mary wake up, but stayed quiet. She opened one eye, and saw them walk up to Glenn. He had never looked more scared in his life, not even in Atlanta.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it just came out, and it was Dale and..." Glenn rambled, panicky.
"It's fine. I never should have put you in that position. I've been thinking about what you said about, um needing help. And you're right that I do." Lori said gently.
"Name it. Yeah." Glenn nodded.
"If you're still willing to make a run into town for me?" Lori began softly.
"I'm your man." Glenn volunteered.
"Thank you." Lori nodded gratefully, and hugged him, Mary sandwiched in between them.
"It's okay. It's not a big deal, really." Glenn smiled.
Lori smiled, nodded, and walked away.
"What's happening?" Mary asked suddenly, making Lori jump.
"Nothing. Everything is fine." Lori said firmly.
"Is it?"
"Yes." Lori said firmly. Then she took Mary to Dale, where he was finishing cooking the burgers, and left.
"Why's Lori sad?" Mary asked Dale.
"She'll be okay." Dale smiled softly, giving her a burger on a paper plate. Mary ate it with her hands, and afterwards ran to find Rick.
"Play with me Ricky!" Mary giggled, running up to him.
"Okay," Rick grinned, picking Mary up, "what shall we play?"
"Soccer!"
"Soccer?" Rick laughed in surprise.
"Yeah." Mary smiled back, and Rick smiled down at her.
"Okay. Stay here." Rick chuckled. He ran away, and came back a few minutes later with a soft soccer ball, and Beth, Jimmy, and Carl. Soon enough, they were playing a small game of soccer, and eventually Shane joined in, then Andrea, and then Dale, until it turned into a brutally competitive game.
Afterwards, they were all giddy with excitement and happiness. Rick went back to the tent, Mary on his shoulders, the two of them laughing and joking, as Carl carried on talking with Jimmy and Beth. It was the best day since it had all began for Mary, apart from the CDC, and they got into the tent, Rick singing the "sunshine song" merrily.
Then he stopped dead still.
He looked on the table.
Pulled out a tiny box.
Read the label.
Put Mary down.
Then he left her with Shane, and ran, ran, ran, trying to find his wife.