I will try to fix you (Andley)

Chapter three

“I-Is it okay if I’m going to sleep now?” I asked carefully. “Of course buddy, you look exhausted, go get some sleep, I’ll come to you bunk later” Andy said. He was going to tell me something. He wanted to talk. I just know it. 

I walked to my bunk, feeling exhausted. I opened the curtain and saw a bulge under my blanket. The towel and the razor. I quickly muffled the towel in the box with laundry, somewhere in the mid, so the guys won’t find it when they put their laundry in. The razor, yeah what to do with the razor. I wanna keep it but the guys are not allowed to see it. Um… I then I saw it. There was some ‘ceiling plate’ in my bunk. I pushed against it. Open. I lay the razor in it and then closed the ceiling again. If I’d known about that place before, I’d hid all my secret stuff there. Not that I have much secret stuff, but yeah, a razor, my notebook, condoms, and the piece of glass what I use sometimes. Not that condoms are secret stuff, but yeah, it’s a nice place to ‘hide’ them.

Fuck the piece of glass. Where did I let that, I mean, where is it. I searched quickly and came to the conclusion it was under my pillow. Yeah, I know, not the safest place to hide a piece of glass, but yeah. I pushed against the ceiling plate again, and lay the piece of glass next to the razor.

I lay down at my bed. Feeling exhausted. I thought about what I had told the guys. One; I’m depressed. Two; I have an eating disorder. Only one thing left; I’m gay. I know that since I joined this band. At first I was all fucking with girls and stuff, and yeah, I liked it. I still like fucking with girls, but yeah, that’s more because I just enjoy the feeling of something tight around my cock. Okay, let’s not talk about that now; I’m not in the mood for it. But Christ, the first time I saw Andy, I still remember.

I went to a nightclub, on a summer night. I sat down there at the bar and an a quarter later, Andy sat down next to me. He was dressed in a black skinny jeans, a black tank top, and his hair, his hair was so fluffy. He smelled like cologne and cigarettes. We started talking about music and stuff, then I found out he was in a band called Black Veil Brides. I totally fell in love with this Andy guy. Then I told him I was also vocalist, in my old band; Stolen Hearts. Then we found out we both played bass guitar. After that night, we chilled a few more times and then I left Stolen Hearts because Andy asked me to be the bassist in his band. Of course I wanted that, because I liked the style of music they made, and I liked Andy. Not just liking in a friendly way, liking in the serious way. I became friends with Jake, Jinxx and CC. I think joining Black Veil Brides was the best choice I’ve made so far in my life.

But the night I fell in love with Andy, that’s another story. That was the night when we wrote saviour. I broke down during the writing process. That was because the song meant so much to me, it was so beautiful. Andy hugged me and softly kissed my cheek and said that it all would be okay. Though I told him I was ill, I think he didn’t believe me. And then talking about his beautiful bright blue eyes. Jesus, that’s so breath taking.

I heard a shuffle outside my bunk. Andy. “Hey Ash” he whispered. “Yeah?”

Andy carefully opened the curtain of my bunk. “Hey, you aren’t sleeping yet?” he asked softly and sat down next to me at the bed of my bunk. “I couldn’t sleep…” I said, looking down at my blanket.

Andy pulled his arm around me and smiled softly. That made my eyes water again. He’s so sweet. And then that stupid blush on my face because he touches me. Sometimes I really hate myself. “Why are you blushing?” Andy asked. Oh well fuck. I can’t tell him I’m gay. You can’t just tell your best friend that you’re gay and you fall in love with him. No way. Just imagine what would happen when you told him that. He would be like; oh my fucking god. What is this, are you okay, what’s happening here? Only thinking of that made me shiver. And then the reaction from your other friends and from – “Hey Ash” Andy said. “Huh what?” I snapped out of my trance. “Why are you blushing?”

“I’m not blushing, it’s just hot in here” I said, Andy smiled, causing my cheeks to get redder. His eyes are beautiful. About that, I read somewhere that the people with beautiful eyes, cried the most. Speaking about that, I saw Andy crying today, and it was because I made him. Fuck it, I’m a terrible person, I’m-I’m a fucking terrible person. I sniffled, trying to hold back my tears.

Andy rubbed his hand at my back. I couldn’t help it anymore but break down. “I-I’m so sorry” I said in a sob. “Why on earth would you say sorry to me?” Andy asked. “I-I made you cry today…”

“Ash, don’t worry about that. It’s okay” he said and rubbed his hand at my back again, trying to comfort me. “N-no it’s not. I hurt you didn’t I? I made CC and Jake and Jinxx cry too. It’s all my fault.” I said, almost to myself. “Ashley, we were just shocked. It’s no crime, making us cry. We’re human, that’s why we cry, we have emotions, we’re not like some stupid ‘friends’, we feel with you.” Andy told me, causing me to cry even more. “B-but it’s still my fault…” I sobbed.

“Don’t see it as a fault Ashley. It’s not a fault.” He whispered. I whipped the tears form my face with the sleeves of my hoodie I was wearing. “And to tell you a secret; sometimes I cry because time passes too fast. I have such a good time with you and the guys. I hate getting older, I wish I could stay in this situation forever, happy, writing and making music and touring with my best friends in the world” Andy said with a slight smile on his face. I wanted to hug him, but something in my mind warned me that if I’d hug him now, I wouldn’t be able to let him go.

It’s like Andy could read my thoughts. He hugged me tight “I don’t wanna let you just go Ashley, I care about you. I can’t just let you cut yourself into pieces and starve yourself. I want you to be happy too” he said. Well fucking hell. I know what makes me happy; HE makes me happy. But I can’t tell him. “I don’t wanna let you go too” I whispered him. I looked into his bright blue eyes and smiled a weak smile. He smiled back “well, I’m glad to hear that” he said, causing me to blush again. Damn it.

I yawned. “Are you tired?” Andy asked. I nodded, rubbing my eyes. Andy wrapped his arm around me and caressed my upper arm with his thumb “You know Ash, you’re a really good friend” he smiled. I smiled weakly back. “Thank you, you’re the best Andy” I smiled, causing him to smile too.

I lay down at my bed and Andy pulled the blanket over me. “I’m glad you told us about yeah, you know…” I smiled weakly. “Goodnight Ash” Andy said. “Goodnight Andy” I replied. Andy closed the curtain of my bunk and I heard him walk to the guys. I looked at my phone. 12.30 AM. Not late yet. But I’m tired so I’m gonna sleep. I closed my eyes and drifted of to sleep.

“Hey, dude, wake up” I heard Andy’s voice. “I’m tired” I said. “I don’t care. Move your ass” Wow, like seriously, what is wrong with him? “Andy, are you okay?” I asked. I don’t feel good about this. “I am fine, now let’s turn around and see you. You’re definitely not okay.” He groaned.

“W-what?” I muttered back in a small voice “what?” “You heard me, freak.”

Freak. Freak? I’m sorry? “Andy, why are you acting like this? I thought you cared about me?” I asked. Not a smart move Ash. “Of course. Me, caring about you? In your dreams dude. And don’t be afraid of your little ‘secret’” he spotted. “I found the razor. You fucking freak.”

Fuck. I dreamt I told the guys everything. I never told the guys anything. Christ, fuck it. I felt like crying. “You fucking suicidal freak” Andy shouted. “I-I’m sorry, I’m…” Andy walked to me with a belt in his hand, ready to hit me. He did me think back of my dad.

Andy hit me and laughed out loud. I didn’t scream, I didn’t say anything. A second hit. A third, a fourth, a fifth. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. “Aahhh” I moaned in pain, tears falling from my eyes now. “Stop it” I cried. “P-please” I begged him. “Never” he glared. “I love to see you in pain”

“Please-please stop it aahhhh” I cried.