I will try to fix you (Andley)

Chapter eleven

When I cleaned up the mess I turned around and saw CC standing in the door opening “Ashley…”

I just stood there, like almost getting a heart attack. Fuck, I thought. CC slowly walked over to me. I dropped the razor at that point and bit my lower lip. Fuck this. “Ashley” CC whispered. A tear slowly slid down over his face. I’d never seen CC cry before. He’s always such a happy man. This really hurt me, I made CC cry. “Ashley… D-don’t do this to yourself buddy” he said. He sniffled and then he pulled me into a very tight hug. “You mean too much to me, the band and our fans Ash, I’ll help you with whatever I can. I want you to be happy again…” CC whispered.

All I could do was cry. “I-I’m so sorry CC” I sobbed. “Shh….” CC cooed and softly stroked my hair. “I-Is Andy already awake?” I asked, my voice shaky. “Yes” CC replied. “O-okay” I swallowed hard. “Do you want to go to him?” CC asked softly. I nodded “yeah” I whispered. CC took me to Andy. When I saw those beautiful blue eyes I started crying again. “Baby” Andy whispered and hugged me tight “I love you” he whispered in my ear. “I’m so sorry” I whispered back.

I walked back to the bedroom and grabbed a blanket. “Are you cold baby?” Andy asked. “Yeah” I whispered and sat down at the couch. CC made us breakfast. Though I didn’t eat. I didn’t feel like eating, because if I’d eat, I’d get fatter and then Andy doesn’t love me anymore.

“Baby, are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?” Andy asked. “Yeah, I’m not hungry” I replied, sunk in my thoughts. When I was younger, I was over weighted. People bullied me and called me ugly and fat. That hurt so much. People say that words don’t hurt. But they do, I got the scars to prove it. I felt tears burning behind my eyes if I thought back of it.

Andy wrapped his arm around me. “Sweetie, what’s bothering you?” he asked softly. “N-nothing” I stuttered. Andy lightly cocked his eyebrow. I sighed; maybe it’s better if I tell him. “I-I was over weighted as kid, a-and nobody loved me or liked me and I’m afraid that if I eat now, I’ll get fat and y-you don’t l-love me anymore” I started sobbing at the last part of the sentence. “Baby” Andy whispered with tears in his eyes as he pulled his arm around me. “I won’t stop loving you if you gain weight baby, I love you because of who you are” he said.

I looked up at him. I never thought of it that way. I hugged him tight “I love you Andy” I said. “I love you too Ashes” he whispered. Ashes? He’d never called me that before. Not that I mind though, I liked this new name.

I looked at the calendar which was hanging on the wall. First of February, time to start all over again.

“Andy” I said. He looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes. “I’m going to try to be happier, to appreciate life, to be me, it’s the first of February. Today I’m going to start my life again.” I smiled lightly. “Oh Ashley” Andy said and kissed me passionate. “I’m so glad you’re going to try to be happy again baby, I love you” he whispered and pecked my lips. “I love you too” I whispered back and kissed him passionate.

I didn’t even notice that CC was sitting on the chair. He just smiled softly and watched me and Andy kissing. When we both broke apart, CC coughed lightly. “Oh sorry buddy” Andy said. “I’ll leave” CC said. “No” Andy said “Do you want to drink something?”

 CC looked at me. “If that’s okay for Ash too?” he asked. “Sure” I said smiling. CC and Andy drunk a beer, and I drunk coffee. I love coffee. Besides, it was twelve fucking AM. Then I’m not going to drink beer. If I drink beer in the morning I’m going to throw up. We sat in the living room and talked about music.

At one o’clock Jinxx and Jake called by. Jinxx looked nervous. “Hey dude, is everything okay?” Andy asked. “Yeah” he said with a huge smile on his face. “What’s going on then?” CC asked curiously. Jinxx took a little black box out of his pocket and showed a beautiful ring. “Are you going to purpose for Sammi?” I asked, smiling. He nodded. “But, I accidently wrecked my suit. So I thought, maybe I can borrow Ashley’s?” he said.  “Of course” I said smiling.

Jinxx put on my suit and did his make up. He looked gorgeous. “You look good buddy” I said. CC, Jake and Andy nodded in agreement. 

A half hour later Jinxx left the house and went to his girlfriend Sammi. We all sat down on the couch and watched the live news on television. When the weather forecast came on, I didn’t listen very much. I sat there with the guys for another five minutes and then I went to my bedroom.

I lay down on the bed and buried my face in Andy’s pillow, inhaling his scent. I looked at the alarm clock at the nightstand. Three pm. suddenly I had a mood swing. From fucking tired I became fucking depressive. But I promised the guys to try to be happy again. That means at least no cutting anymore. It was hard, very hard.  I wanted to. I sat up on the side of the bed and walked over to the dresser. I took the blade and slid it softly over the cuts and scars again.

No, I can’t do this. I promised not to. I threw the razor away and laid down on the bed and started crying. I pullet the blanket over me. Laying there as a human taco. But I didn’t care; I needed to keep my promise. I thought of what all happened. If I didn’t tell the guys about my depression, they wouldn’t know, I could cut myself wherever and whenever I wanted, without hurting them and without them knowing.

But at the other side, if I didn’t tell them, I wouldn’t have fainted. I wouldn’t have been in the hospital and then I wouldn’t live here, in Andy’s house. And I probably wouldn’t be his boyfriend. I turned really tired from all the thinking and fell asleep.

“Hey Ashy” Andy softly caressed my cheek. “Wake up beautiful” he whispered. I opened my eyes carefully. Andy sat down on the side of the bed. “Hey what happened sweetie?” he asked. “I fell asleep” I answered bluntly. “No, I mean, you’ve been crying. What happened baby?” he asked softly. “I was tired” I said and I felt my eyelids getting heavy again. Almost closing again.

Andy lay down next to me and wrapped his arm around me. I felt very cold. Laying like that we both drifted off to sleep. “Hey sweeties” CC carefully woke us up, softly nudging me and Andy in the arm. “O hi CC” I said, yawning. He smiled softly. I felt better now. I softly kissed Andy awake. “Hey baby” he said and pecked my lips. Then he saw CC.  “Did we fall asleep?” he asked. “Yeah” CC replied “but you gotta come to the living room” he said smiling.

We both stood up and made our way to the living room. I saw Jinxx sitting on the couch, with Sammi on his lap. They looked so happy together. “Awww this is so cute” Andy said when Sammi pecked Jinxx’ lips. I agreed with him. “We’re going to marry” Sammi said happily. I think I’ve never seen her this happy before, same for Jinxx. I was happy for them, I really was. But I couldn’t force myself to act happy.

I was tired of wearing this fake smile all the time. “Hey Ashley, are you okay?” Sammi asked worried. “I’m fine” I said and put on my fake smile again. Yeah, I was tired of wearing it, but I don’t want to wreck other people’s happiness.

Then someone rang the door. Andy walked to it and opened it. “Oh Kina, umm”