An Estranged Wife

Letter 5- Home Alone!

Dear Love,

Last night I stayed up till late. Unpredictable, for myself but all that I thought was about you. The nights I waited for you alone at home, the nights of the agony I spent without you, they were dawning on me like a lamp in the room.

In the morning when you used to finally come home, all drunk and exhausted, relief used to hit me seeing you safe and sound. I wanted to be angry with you so many times, but everything dissipated when I stared at your tired face.

Now as I think about all those times, the only thing that drives me at the edge is did you had that girl with you even those times?

When would you answer me this?

Today, tomorrow, or in years to come or maybe after my death.

Death the most inevitable thing on this planet, but I really hope before facing it, for once you would tell me what you did in those nights when your wife waited for you to return home?

With this I actually remembered, that night when you actually returned home early. Mom, was out of town visiting her far away sister, while it was just us at home. I wasn't expecting you home, but when you did I was so thrilled that in the excitement I literally threw myself in your arms, as soon your figure appeared in front of me.

"What's this now? Stop acting like you haven't ever seen me." You chided pushing me away, and entering the living room. I should have lashed, but I smiled accepting that I was really childish. But I wasn't to my mind.

It was my love to see you around me.

"I'm just happy that you're home. It's been so long that you returned early." I acknowledged your presence, offering you a glass of water while you sat on the dining looking at me intently.

You didn't said a word just switched channels for an hour or so, while I cooked watching you with a smile in front of me. Accidentally, I burnt my hand. I winced, and you were around me. My tears were flowing freely, as my skin itched like fire.

"Are you freaking crazy? Can't you even see what you are doing? I knew you were uneducated, but I didn't knew that you were a crack head too. How many problems do you bring along with yourself?" You shouted when you should have been the first one to come to my aid. I didn't said anything to you, I simply washed my hand, and applied ice while you kept on throwing jabs on me for my careless attitude.

But you forgot. You forgot that you are a bigger careless man. Not just to your people but to your surroundings too.

You discarded your clothes like a butcher cuts the meat. You threw your shoes away like you are going in a vegetable market. You hit on things considering them like a piece of shit.

So who is the bigger careless one, Love?

I or You?

I served you food with my stinging hand, but you didn't move. Were you really this blind to my pain that you couldn't afford to help me?

"What's this? It doesn't have salt." You yelled suddenly, when I served you rice. You threw the entire bowl on the floor and walked away cussing on me again, for not being able to do anything right.

I ran after you till the garden, you were about to leave in the car again, but I held your elbow stopping you.

"Please don't go. I will cook another meal. I must have forgotten in hurry. I'm sorry. Please don't leave. I don't like it without you." I said keeping my head low, not wanting you to see my tears.

You raised my chin with your index finger, and said, "You're really stupid. I wasn't going anywhere. I was testing you."

You tested me? For what? My love, or my heart which loved you even when you deserved none. What did you try to do then? Play with my feelings like it was a game of cards.