Only Love -CMBYN-

Chapter 7

Oliver

As I walked up the stairs, I didn't know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or cry with anger. Anger at myself of course. After that conversation, I don't know what to feel.

I thought my feelings towards Elio had somewhat gone away. If not, completely disappeared. Now he's here, I feel them slowly, but surely return. I thought I could maybe stay away from him, but I don't want to hurt him. All he ever wants to do is be kind.

I need to stay away from him. I have to. I can't be something that isn't perfect for my father. I know I don't even have to live under his roof, but his criticism is enough to make anyone hate themselves.

I don't know what he's going to say when Jenny and I finally break it off. He may never speak to me again. I wouldn't care but I promised my mom before she passed away that no matter what, we would stay a family.

I can't break that promise.

I open the door to Elio's room. It feels different to be in here, like it's not even really part of my house anymore. Lots of things in the room remind me of Elio's room in Italy. It's organised similarly, neat and tidy, but still a hint of him. There's papers and notebooks littered across the desk. There's a shelf filled with his books. The room smells of the same cologne.

It's all so familiar.

I finally turn off the light and curl up in the unmade, slightly warm bed. It's so much more comfortable than the sofa, or the air bed. I want to just fall asleep and hope when I wake up, everything is better. But things still linger on my mind. 

How can Elio still be so kind to me even when I've been so rude? How do I continue to avoid him now? I really can't deal with this. Why did Jenny and I invite him here?

I finally can feel myself drifting off and for once, my head isn't buzzing with thoughts of Elio.

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When I wake up, the clock on the wall reads 11 AM and I decide that's a reasonable time to get up. Ellie will be at preschool by now and Jenny will be at work, I hope so anyways. Elio said he had an interview with a possible roommate today but he didn't say what time.

I take quick shower after finally getting up. I really didn't want to leave the warmth or the comfort of the bed.

When I walk downstairs, Elio is sat in the same place as earlier with his book. 

I want to say good morning but my subconscious reminds me to not. I instantly feel like the worst person to ever live. He looks at me, almost daring me to say it. I continue walking along to the kitchen, where coffee is already brewed. I could weep with joy.

I quickly pour a cup, gulping it down thirstily. Then I pour another, this one for me to savor slowly. I toast some bread and butter it before sitting at the kitchen table. I can almost feel the tension between us two, even when he's in another room. 

After I finish my food, I finally feel much more awake and human. almost as if before I was some sort of zombie and now I had been cured. 

Suddenly Elio walks in with a stormy look on his face. He sits at the table. H stares at me and I stare back, as if we're willing each other to talk. 

The tension is getting willfully stronger by the second. 

Finally I speak up. "Good morning, Elio."

He almost looks even angrier. "Oliver, are you going to tell me what's going on? Or should I just leave and go to a hotel?"

I don't know what to say in reply. I want to say, "Please don't go. I want you to stay."

Instead I say the weakest thing possible, I almost hate myself for it.

"Nothing is going on."

"Cut the bullshit, Oliver. We had that conversation earlier and now we're right back where we started. I don't want to be a part of this messed up game of round-a-bout."

"Elio, please." I plead with him, yet he continues. It's almost as if 6 years of anger have pent up and now he's saying what he feels.

After everything I've done, how can I deny him this? I should just shut up and listen.

"Don't beg at me, Oliver. Don't do that. Because right now, I'm so pissed off and I want you to hear it. Got it?" He asks as if I have a choice. I nod slowly, so he knew I understood.

"Why? That's the main question. The big question. Why didn't you tell me you could possibly be getting married? Why did you get my hopes up? I was 17, Oliver! I was younger than I am now, I was much more emotionally vulnerable. You could have told me first, that there was a slight chance you be getting married. I could have had a choice on whether I wanted to continue such a relationship." He paused and everything hit me. It was if I was rolling in glass and each word was a shard, digging deep.

Elio took a deep breath before continuing, his face was tinged a cherry red,  "Yes, I know myself, I would have. I'm not blaming you over the fact that what happened between us, happened. I'm blaming you because I didn't have a choice of falling for you. Knowing beforehand would have softened the blow and now I wouldn't feel as if there was such an unsatisfactory ending to us."

He stops and looks at the table in front of him. His eyes were glassy and he looked like he might cry.

"I loved you, Oliver. In such a short amount of time, I fell for you. Hard. I can't help but to feel  as if what happened between us was just some joke to you. You seem completely unaffected, yet it pains me every second of the day. It hurts, Oliver."

His tears spilled over, and I just wanted to hug him close. tell him I was stupid for ignoring him. Tell him that he wasn't some joke to me, whisper my name in his ear. 

No. I can't. I can't give into him. I need him so much it hurts. 

"Elio.. I can't explain it to you. It's not just some sick joke to me. I don't want you to hurt, I don't want you to leave. Please don't leave. I don't trust myself to be friends with you. I can't." I almost reach for his hand.

"I have Jenny." I don't. "I can't let myself get close to you. because when you leave, it'll hurt all over again. It hurt badly before, but I can't go through it again and I know you can't either, Elio. you know it."

Elio stops crying and sniffs softly. He looks up at me and I can see his red, teary eyes. I can see his ruffled, curly hair. His eyes that seemed to know everything and the mouth that could recite all the facts of the world. 

Then I realise.

I realise why I fell so hard in the first place.

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Okay, so. I couldn't sleep and wrote another chapter. I'm doing a double upload now, but I might not upload tomorrow, or if I do, It might be a shorter chapter. I hope you all enjoyed the angst!!!

Please vote, comment and continue reading. You guys don't understand how happy it makes me!

I'm gunna sleep now since I've been writing since 2 AM and now it's 5 AM almost.

Bye!!