Little by Little

Little by Little -Ch. 11-

Little by Little                                                    

Ch. 11

My insides turned in and out. I couldn’t think. My thoughts flew away and dissolved into acid. My senses became confused. My heart was beating uncontrollably. I thought I was going to explode. My soul was shaking; I could feel it. The ground underneath me seemed to be shaking. I knew my knees would give up but I could feel they were locked in place. I didn’t know myself and my eyes had closed and let an angel within me wake up. Irrevocably, she wanted to stay but I had to put her away.

I’m sorry, I thought.

Jen let go of me and his lips left mine. My tears streamed down my cheeks as I looked at Jen. He looked disbelieving at himself as I was. I felt the center of my chest vibrating all over. I had never had this happen before. I turned away before I can give into anything by Jen. He’s a black hole.

“Park,” Jen said gently, “I-I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry.”

I let my arms hang at my side. I had to get my thoughts straight. Why did the person I hate most kiss me? Didn’t he hate me too? I bit my lip and clenched my teeth together. What did he say before he kissed me? I can’t remember what he said. My mind went blank. I went blank. It was as if I was a lost soul.

“Park, are you okay?” Jen asked.

I shook my head. I wasn’t okay. Something was wrong with me. There was something wrong with my insides. It was like they were electrocuting. Every touch was tingly and sensitive.

I thought of Nicolette. Oh no. what if she found out my forbidden act with Jen? Would she be mad at me? Of course she would be furious. She had told me she had started liking Jen. I couldn’t ruin that because of my careless ways. I had to make it work between them. I couldn’t let them be apart.

That’s when my heart switched to something else. The feeling of that unknown pain came back as I thought of Jen and Nicolette together. It’s not supposed to be sad. It has to be happy between them. I didn’t want them to part. It was me and Jen who had to part.

Without thinking, my finger touched my lips and that tingle feeling came back. I looked up and it seemed everything was heightened. It was so vivid. The colors were boosted and my vision was clearer. I couldn’t hear my own heart beat. Was this peace?

“Park, don’t worry about Nicolette. I’ll tell her what happened.” Jen said.  

“Go ahead and tell her. If she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore, I get it.” I sighed. I finally regained my voice and at least that was normal. I started walking. I felt like I was so far in the sky. I felt a little bit dizzy but I kept walking.

What was I going to do? I had to get my head straight. I had to forget the soft, safe feeling Jen gave me. I had to forget that nonsense. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I looked ahead of me and my eyes were still in a daze. I kept replaying that moment. Jen leaned down and placed his lips persistently on mine. Could a first kiss be that insane? They made people, like me, go crazy? I didn’t want to be crazy.