Little by Little

Little by Little -Ch. 17-

Little by Little

Ch. 17

It had been a little over a month when that happened. School was going to end soon and Jen will graduate and I will finish my senior year. I haven’t talked to Jen since then. Nicolette and Reese moved out of town, out of state, and moved to New York. My only friends had left.

I blamed Jen for all of it. I couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. I had enough of his selfishness. I would never look at him during school hours. When we had a class, I would completely ignore him, just as I always have, and turn up my iPod. I was back to where I started…Alone.

I wasn’t as happy as I was before, when I handled things on my own. This time being alone, I felt weak. My insides turned every time I saw a group of friends walk by. I wish I could be like them. I wanted to have friends too. This is probably the first time I had actually wanted to be around people.

My iPod was my only friend. Whatever I wanted to hear, it would answer. I should just stick with my iPod.

Of course, my aunt and uncle are never home either. They’re either fighting with each other or on business trips. I just get left alone with the people that work at the house. I don’t know what to do with life anymore.

My life had began to unfold itself and I could actually see a future. I wanted to socialize with other people. I felt like I couldn’t do that anymore. I felt that once I had someone, Jen would ruin that chance. Just this time, I wish he could leave me alone. He has left me alone though. He has lasted this long to stop talking to me. He knows I don’t want to talk to him.

I was walking through the halls this lunch. I had nothing to do. My old spot wasn’t the same anymore. It didn’t have the same feeling. That was where I met Reese. I knew I had let him down and hurt his feelings. There isn’t one day where I wish I could call him and say that I miss him and Nicolette. I miss them so much. They brought colors to my life.

I guess everyone found out what happened between the three of us. I think some people are actually disliking Jen now. Someone overheard what he was saying to me and the news spread quickly. I guess that night everyone wanted to avoid Jen and realize what a jerk he really was. Only his friends backed him up and still are. The only thing I’m envious of Jen is that he has friends that will be with him through anything.

I didn’t know I arrived to the math hallway. There were some people around. I kept walking, listening to my iPod. I knew that after this, my ears would be numb. Who cares, no one does.

I saw one of the doors open and suddenly, Jen walked out. I met eyes with him for a brief moment but then I turned my attention away from him slowly. I wasn’t afraid of him now. I had nothing to be afraid of. He ruined my life but he wasn’t going to ruin my feelings again.

I walked past him. I could feel his eyes follow me. Suddenly, I felt him by my side. I kept walking. I was glad that my headphones were surround sound and could block out any outside noise. These headphones were my new best friend.

I saw the girls bathroom. I walked in there without even thinking. I stopped at the mirror and looked at myself. My dark circles were showing. My face looked paler than usual. I wasn’t getting enough sleep because I woke up with nightmares every night. I didn’t want to apply makeup because I didn’t care about it anymore.

I kept looking in the mirror and then the song came on. The song that sent me to tears every time. My eyes pooled up with tears and suddenly, they were falling.

The only thing that was on my mind was Reese.

I couldn’t forget that look he had on his face that night at prom. I had never seen him that hurt. If I could apologize in the most sincere way, I would. I don’t want to feel this guilt anymore. Reese. Why didn’t I like him back? Why couldn’t I? Was there something wrong with him? Nothing was wrong with him.