Beautiful Sin |Narry|

5

Niall (what a surprise!)
My heart clenches just watching him tear up behind his keyboard. His pain isn't hidden, he's hurt and anyone who doesn't see that is utterly insensitive. I can't hate him even though I want to so badly at times, but I also can't hate him because his pain, pains me. I feel it.

I know he's hiding something, my mind can't wrap around the fact that he just stopped being gay. I mean, even if I wanted to, I could not just turn straight. Just thinking about it gives me whiplash. I ask so many questions because I want to figure him out. I want him to remember the things he's trying so hard to forget, even if it pains him. I want him to feel again.

He's actually a nice guy, but he's so hesitant and closed off that he makes it so hard to corporate with him. I know it's rude of me just to barge into his life without given access, but how can I stop myself? I don't know what I want to find out, but I just know that I want to find something out. He's just so mysterious. I want him to share things with me, even if we barely know each other. We connect more than the naked eye can see.

"I hurt my own heart." He replies to my words and my heart sinks at the sound of brokenness in his voice. "I know you think I'm this perfect guy who has it all figured out, but I don't. I'm a mess." He's playing with his fingers, avoiding eye contact with me.

"I just-" He tries, but his own sobs cut him off. His body shakes as he covers his face with his hands. "I'm sorry." He cries and my breath hitches. What's happening?

"I don't think you're perfect." I state as a matter of fact because I honestly don't. "I think you're just lying to yourself." I'm not afraid to call him out because like I said,  I want him to feel again. I want him to know, that I know, even though I'm absolutely clueless.

He uncovers his face and looks me in the eyes, my body freezes at his hard stare. "How?" I give him a look and he blinks at me, "How what?"

"How do you think I'm lying?" My eyebrows raise, "Because if you weren't lying, this would not be your reaction." He wouldn't be crying or be pained over this, if it were the truth, this would not affect him. He stands up from his seated position and begins to pace, "No, don't you start with your little mind twisters." I stand up as well.

"What mind twisters?" I ask and he stops and looks at me, "Those little comments that you make about my life, you twist things around. You make them something they aren't." He raises his voice as I roll my eyes, "You mean the truth?" I bite.

"No!" He yells walking closer to me, "It is not the truth, it's quite far from it." He says in a quiet tone since he's now close to me, real close. Close enough to that I can see the deep forest green in his eyes, close enough to notice the little freckles spread across his cheeks. Close enough that if I lean forward, our noses would touch.

"Then stop letting it affect you like this. Stop caring about it, if it's in the past why haven't you moved on?" I question, searching his eyes for any type of sign of- anything really, but there's nothing. Just a whole lot of mystery.

He looks around my face, eyeing me, "Why can't you let this go?" He ignores my question. "I don't believe it, that's why." I answer and he rolls his eyes, "Well believe it sweetheart." Usually a pet name like that would be used in a low, loveable filled voice, but this was not the case, this case was bittersweet.

"Well I can't."

"Why can't you, Niall? Just believe it and let it go! Please." He pleas, his breath so close that it hits my face. "Why do our conversations always divert to my past? Why can't we ever talk about anything else? Why is this always the main topic?" He looks me in the eyes and I back away from him, my heart pounding.  His voice and stare are intense and I'm at loss of words.

"Hm?" He insist. "Answer."

"I've been repeating it over and over again, you know." I say and he shakes his head.

"Just because you can't go straight doesn't mean others can't." As soon as those words escape his mouth, my breathing stops. Did he really just say that? I'm lost for words again, my chest goes tight and eyes burn.

"You're right." I croak, "One hundred percent." A tear falls from my eye and Harry just stands there looking at me and I know he regrets his words, but the cats out of the bag. "I can't go straight because I won't ever lie to myself just to please others, unlike you. I'm not a people pleaser. I fight for myself even if that means losing the most important people in my life. No matter how much it sucks, I don't give up, but I guess it was different for you." I grit out. "You became a pastor for fucks sake, how bad was it that you got to this point?" I don't care if I'm being rude anymore, that little sentence he said pulled a very sensitive string in my heart and it hurt. This is why I can't let it go.

Maybe he's not lying, maybe he really went straight.

It's silent between us , but not for long since Harry's phone rings from his room. Without any words exchanged, he walks out of the room.

Can someone really go straight?

"Hello?" I hear him speak, his voice sounds much more professional than how it was a few minutes ago.

"Yes, yes of course I didn't forget." I get closer to the door, wanting to hear more into his conversation.

"I just don't know if I could make it into practice today, I have a bit of a family problem." Since when am I family?

"I'm truly sorry and yes a prayer would sound lovely at this time, please do your best today."

"Okay, thank you, Stacy, see you Sunday, God bless you." I hear his footsteps begin to come back and I step away from the door.

No matter how professional his voice sounded, his outer presentation was just destroyed. Around his eyes is a dark red color, his hair is a mess, everything about him is just not put together. I should be used to seeing him like this, but every time I do see him like this it's like a whole new experience.

"I think we need-  I need sometime apart from you. You're welcome to roam around, watch TV, I don't know, do anything. I'll be in my room if you need me." He says in a quiet voice and I can't help to feel as if I'm being broken up with. Even if we aren't together or even close at all, his words hurt me.

"I'm so-,"

"Don't apologize if you don't mean it because then you'll be the liar."

A/N- I felt like this was a good way to end this chapter, the next chapter will be up tomorrow. I'm sorry for such a late chapter, but I was in Mexico and I couldn't get much service let alone, Wi-Fi. But, here's the chapter, better late than never. I hope you like were this story is going. I promise there will be more action soon. And hey, that perspective change was a surprise no? Well anyway, please leave some comments on this chapter and what you thought. I really appreciate those comments that have been left so far, they really leave a smile on my face. Also, don't forget to give it a vote! You guys are the best!

-Des
Published// 04.05.18