Down To You[Wattys2017]

Chapter 40

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I sleep on my side, just starting blankly at the wall. I questioned my existence all over again. I don't wish to die exactly but I don't have the desire to live either. I have lost everything that I breath for. Her, my team, ma parents. I am not in the mood to be around anyone or talk to them. I just wana sleep in a way that won't really kill me but in a way I won't wake up to this shitty place and forget everything.

Tick tock tick tock

The sound of the clock has never been more louder to me.

My team. They fucking lost because of me. All because of me. If I had never joined, would they be better off? I destroy not only mine but their dreams.

Tick tock tick tock

Then my parents, I couldn't give them what they want, stubbornly going in a way I thought was best for me, look at me now. I am useless. I don't even know I'll even be able to ever play again. Considering my luck, probably not. They must be so disappointed in me.

Tick tock tick tock

Then, there's her. Her. I wonder if she had watched me play. I hope not or else she too will be so disappointed in me. I have never played so bad in my life. It was embarrassing really. I was being grumpy, on the edge, couldn't concentrate yet feeling so competitive that I played knowing I was in no good mental condition to play. I was never good enough. She is my fucking princess that deserve the world but I am not good enough for her.

I was always trying to hide and prevent this side of mine but look at am now, I have fallen and so low. I don't need to drag her down with me. I can't let her see me like this.

When Anna told me that all we had was physical, she had no idea how much it affects me.

As cocky and confident as I am, I have fucking feelings too.

Then when Jacob talked about the fact that she was dating me as a rebound, I wanted to beat the shit out of him but I finally see the possibilities, my obsession with her blinded me, if she had fully moved on, she wouldn't play those games.

She was probably staying with me out of pity because what could a girl who is hot as fuck with a beautiful heart to match get something out of a lost guy like me whose interest jump from one thing to another, no plans to settle somewhere. Football was the one thing that makes me pause in my reckless lifestyle, the one thing that would help me prove that I can be serious about something too. but I am now basically useless at it too. Fuck.

Girls always automatically assume me to be a player, someone who they don't even bother trying to build relationship with, only wanting me as a sexual object. I naively thought she is different but in the end, she treats me that way too. I know she is insecure due to her past but I always tried my best to prove that contrary to people's belief, I am not some whore jock whose interests jumps when it comes to girls, but she still cuts me off even before I do anything.

When she came back that night I should have pushed her away, resist her from start but I am addicted to her I couldn't. She makes me loose my fucking mind.

I showered that morning, giving her chance to leave because I couldn't handle the thought of her telling me it was a goodbye fuck or something.

I was genuinely shocked to see her on my bed after I showered, still warm and sexy as fuck on my bed which made me more suspicious. She was probably still there to make closure or something anyway and I did not want to hear that.

A knock on the door distracted my thoughts but I ignored it, let anyone come in and go, I don't care.

"Jake, Anna is here, she said she's your friend"

My body stiffening immediately. And I wanted to laugh at the same time too. Of course, a friend. I never talk about my life to my parents and for the first time, I want to tell them about Anna, but funny how my parents get to know her now.

"So?"

"She wants to see you"

I scowled, "I don't want to see her"

"You realised you are talking for the first time since you are in here right? She must be very special to you"

I froze at that. My mom was right. And telling her I don't want to see her was a lie too. I want too but I just don't want Anna to witness how exactly pathetic I am. I am damn embarrassed of the state I am in.

"I don't fucking care, tell her to go home" I said louder than necessary.

My mom ignored me and got out. Dammit. She never listen.

Knowing Anna would come in any moment, I sat and glare at the door. Not wanting her to see me weak.

And there she is, coming in. My walking dream. Looking so damn gorgeous and irresistible. Every Instinct of mine telling me to get her.

I want to pull her into my arms and breath her in, let her calm me as she always does but then what? She is probably coming only because I got hurt. She wouldn't if not. I don't need her to accept me out of pity again. That makes my defense mechanism kicks in.

I keep my cool and just stare at her, embarrassed and angry.

"Get out" I growled, interrupting whatever she was trying to say, "Get the fuck out of here"

The look in her eyes as I said that makes me weak. I hurt her. I fucking hurt her. It makes me want kneel, asking for forgiveness for being such a bastard but I need her out of here. What can I give her anyway? She has much to worry about already in her own life without me being there to drag her down even more.

"I am not going to" she said trying to be brave but I didn't miss the slight shakiness in her tone, she is intimidated. Good.

"What now? You think you are some special girl that can pull me out of this? Is that it Anna?" I pushed.

Her cheeks were flushing red with embarrassment, "Why are you so mean!? I just came here to apologise and explain myself"

You are not good enough for her

"If I wanted you, I would have called. You would come running straight to me wouldn't you?"

"Maybe I would Logan because-"

I don't want her giving me explanation that would convince me that she really do care. I don't need any hope that would make me jump on her, pinned her down and chasing once again, telling her I don't give a fuck I am not letting her go. But Fuck that. It takes all my strength to hold back.

My current situation reminding me once again that I am not even physically capable of that.

Pathetic.

"You are boring. Get out" I said quickly, cutting her off. I watch her expression, the faint light she has left finally died down.

Good.

That's what I would always cause in her life anyway. Stealing her light.

"Run Anna" I mouthed and smirk. And she did.

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