Impossible Body Type (A Kellic)

23

Along with the chapter today I'm going to vent a little bit. Feel free to skip over this authors note and go straight to the chapter I won't be hurt or offended, I just felt the need to share my thoughts with someone and why not my lovely readers.

I am not okay. You've all heard my reasoning for not writing in the past little bit, my depression like hit be so hard and some self harm started back up and my my sense of self worth dropped to an all time low. Now surprisingly I knew I could deal with that. I had got through it before and it would take some time but I could do it again. It would just take time. However I've hit this huge fucking wall and I have no clue what to do now.

Now let me give you a little back ground on this woman. She's my everything okay. My grandmother is literally all I've ever had and the only true person I could rely on. She was the only one that could make me feel like I had some worth in this world and she could always make me feel better when I was feeling down. She was so funny and always could make the best out of any situation. She done everything she could to help me achieve my dreams of getting into a college I loved and she supported me in everything I did. Even my wattpad account. Lots of these stories/chapters you guys have read have been retold to her before the were published. She loved hearing what I would come up with and if I hadn't talked about a story in a while she would ask me how it was going and if there was any new developments. This woman was, is, the biggest influence in my life. And she's the person that means the most to me over anyone. I can't express how much I love her and how much she has effected me in words, it just isn't possible.

But here's the catch.

She dying. She's in the hospital and she's dying. They just can't give us an exact date but it's bound to happen. Only 1/4 of her heart is working and fluid is gathering around it and spreading and she's swelled so so bad. They said that they had pushed enough medicine through her to try and get the swelling down but it's damaged her kidneys and they can't do anything about it cause any treatment would basically kill her cause her heart is so weak.

And I feel guilty. Not cause she's sick cause I know that's not my fault but I can't go see her. I hate hospitals and I cannot do them and seeing her like that just affects me too much. She had a bad allergic reaction to some medicine about a year and a half ago and i went to see her in the hospital and that messed me up bad. However even tho I knew it wasn't a good idea for me to go I did go once this time. I had to just once. And I was doing okay I was scared shitless but I was doing okay that is until she told started telling my aunt that the doctors couldn't give her an exact date but it was bound to happen at any time. Then she started talking about me when I was little and I broke down. I told her I loved her so much and I hugged her and I left. There's no way I could do that again. No way. And I feel guilty about it but I know she would understand but when I talk to her on the phone she keeps asking when I'm going to visit her and it's breaking my heart.

She told me not to cry over her but how can I not? I know death is a part of life and all that jazz but I wasn't ready to lose her so soon. There's no way in the world I was ready to lose her so soon. And I've hoped and prayed to a god that I'm not sure I believe in sometimes for a miracle anything just something to give me hope but I don't think there is any miracle that's going to happen. I talked to her today (or well it'll be yesterday when you're reading this) and she said the swelling was going down and she was talking plain and feeling so much better but I know how it was with my papaw. A few days before he died things looked up and then it all plummeted.

The have her in the CICU now and if they deem her well enough the will send her to this hall where hospice will take over and if she makes that transition then they will send her home with hospice (for those of you that don't know hospice is basically just this medical service that comes in and takes care of the patient and keeps them comfortable until it comes their time to leave). But they aren't even expecting her to make it out of the hospital and guys I just don't know anymore. My mind is scattered and I'm literally all over the place. I'll probably end up writing more cause it keeps my mind off of things but I just needed to vent and I'm so sorry that this is so long but if you read through all of that thank you for lending me an ear. You guys mean the world to me and I'm glad you've stuck with this story for as long as you have. I love all you lovelies and I hope you have a beautiful day💕

| Kellin's POV |

I finished brushing my hair and slipped a beanie on my head before I darted back into my bedroom. I took a long glance in my mirror and sighed. Nothing looked good on me. I tugged at the ends of the long sleeved shirt and pulled at my tight skinny jeans, disgusted with the way they clung to my chubby thighs. There was no way I could go out in public like this. It wasn't acceptable.

I started to turn back to my dresser when there was a knock on my door.
"Hey buddy you ready yet?" My Dad called out through the closed door. I sighed and stole another glance at myself before shaking my head and grabbing my bag.
"Y-yeah." I walked out to be met with my smiling Dad holding an apple juice and my lunch money.
"Well lets get a move on kiddo." He said and took my bag from me, stuffing the juice and the money in the sides and carrying it down the steps. We got in the car and sooner rather than later we were pulling on to the deserted street.

He was humming along to a cd when my phone dinged. I wrestled it out of my my pocket and was shocked to see a message from Vic.

Morning Kells! I can't wait to see you today💕

I stared at my phone is disbelief. I had thought a lot about Vic after our kiss but I had came to the conclusion that he didn't mean what he said. It was so unrealistic for him to like me that I just couldn't believe it. I figured that he had just been lonely or confused with his sexuality. I figured it was just a one time thing that would never happen again, so why was he sending me heart emojis and telling me he couldn't wait to see me? I mean it could be a friend thing but do friends really send hearts back and forth?

"D-Dad?" I said "I h-have a question."
"Ask away buddy."
"Is it r-really possible for s-someone to like me?" I asked quietly. I fiddled with my hands and I saw him glance at me out of the corner of his eye.
"Kellin it is most definitely possible. You are absolutely amazing. Why would you think that it wouldn't be possible?" I just shrugged my shoulders and sighed.
"I am m-me Dad and t-there's nothing good about me."

"Kellin there's more than one list of reasons as to why someone would like you. I would never lie to you Kells. What's bringing this all up. Do you like someone?"
I gripped at the end of my shirt sleeves and took a deep breath before nodding. I could tell my Dad this. "I d-do."
"Who?" He questioned and I could see a slight smirk on his face.
"Umm V-Vic." I said and felt myself blushing. "He s-says he likes me t-to but I don't see how and we kissed the other day and it was r-really nice, but how Dad? How can s-someone as nice and pretty as V-Vic like me? I'm a disaster." I said throwing my hands up in the air. "H-he told me I was beautiful and I know that's a lie! H-he said he liked me for me and that I was the only boy he had ever liked, but why would he waste his time on me? I'm not worth liking!" At this point I was getting really worked up and I could feel some tears gathering in my eyes.

"I'm...Im too fat. Too ugly. To quiet. To messed up in the head. I'm not someone who is worth liking Dad! He's just wasting his time! That's all he's doing! He'll realize soon that I'm not worth it all and he'll leave, which I expect but why? Why me? Why did he have to send that stupid heart emoji and tell me he can't wait to see me! Why?!"

I hadn't noticed that the car had stopped but I soon felt my Dads hands on my shoulders and I looked up at him as he reached up to wipe the few tears that had fell from my eyes.
"Kells listen to me." He said in a calm voice and I nodded. "You are likable. You aren't a waste of time. You are worth the whole world and anyone can see that. Kiddo you're something so amazing and it seems that Vic may actually like you, who wouldn't? I would never lie to you Kellin and believe me when I say that." He leaned over the console to give me a hug and pressed a small kiss to the top of my head.

"Listen maybe you should give Vic a chance. He may surprise you and if he hurts you I'll take care of him. You can't be afraid to take chances Kellin." I looked up at my Dad and nodded my head. "Now do you still want to go to school or do you want want to go back home and take the day off?" I took a deep breath and wiped at my eyes again.
"S-school. I think I wanna s-see Vic." I told him and a big smile broke out on his face.
"Right-o then kiddo, here we go."