Them and Us

I

May naririnig akong mga beeping sounds. Nahihilo ako. Sobra. Ang sakit pa ng ulo ko! Sinubukan kong buksan ang mga mata ko then suddenly I gasped for air! As in super lalim ng hinga ko na it felt like I breathed all of the air 30 people. Para akong nabuhay galing sa pagkakamatay.

"Nurse she's awake!" May biglang sumigaw dahilan nang pagpikit ko dahil sa sakit ng tenga ko.

Naghalo-halo na lahat ng boses ng mga taong pumasok sa kwartong kinalolooban ko. Naramdaman kong may nilagay at tinanggal sila ng kung ano-ano sa katawan ko. May naramdaman akong parang pressure sa balikat ko hanggang sa may malinaw akong narinig. "Maam, your niece is stable."

What the heck? Anong stable sinasabi nito? What just happ—shoot.

I arrived home with the powdered poison I bought at the market. Walang pagdadalawang isip akong kumuha ng tubig sa ref at binuhos ang isang packet ng lasong pangdaga. Last thing I remember, nilaklak ko lahat yun and then blackout.

For pete's sake my tita might send me to a psychiatrist after what I did! She found out again na I just committed suicide na hindi naman umobra! What would be my excuse now?!

I felt a hand on my arm and I heard some sobbing. Wala akong magagawa. I have to face this. Tutal nakita naman nila akong bumuka ng mata ko so I have no way out. I slowly opened my eyes.

"Myrrh! Oh for crying out loud. Were you having your family day angel? You should've told us so we can come, no need for this." My tita said calmly. O started sobbing. I had my first attempt of suicide nung may family day sa school when I was sixteen. Tita and tito were late so I thought na hindi sila makakapunta so lumabas ako ng campus at umuwi ng bahay.

I went home crying. Dumiretso ako sa kitchen kung saan nakalagay ang mga gamot. I was sitting on top of the countertop and next thing I knew, hawak hawak ko na ang isang container ng gamot at nang ilalaklak ko na sana yun ay bigla akong pinigilan ng yaya namin. Akala ko matatapos na lahat nung araw na yun.

My tita went home when she found out na umalis ako sa school. Nadatnan niya ako sa bahay na umiiyak sa countertop habang pinapatahan ako ng yaya namin.

Yaya Maya explained everything to tita nang mangiyak-iyak.

Tita's jaw dropped. Hindi niya inaakalang magagawa ko yun. Lumapit siya sakin and when she held me in her arms, umiyak lang ako ng umiyak kay tita at pinaliwanag ko sa kanya lahat. Sinabi kong naiinggit ako sa mga classmates ko dahil mayroon silang mga magulang. I was too defensive na takot akong pagtawanan kaya umuwi nalang ako. My tita kept hugging me habang umiiyak hanggang sa nakatulog ako sa balikat niya. At magmula sa araw na yun, mariin na akong binabantayan ng mga kasambahay sa bahay kapag wala sina Tito at Tita. Ngunit heto ako ngayon sa ospital dahil gumawa na naman ako ng isang kagagahan after two years.

Nakukunsensya ako sobra. Mahal na mahal ako ng mga taong iniwan sakin ng mga magulang ko pero nagawa ko parin ang bagay na ikasasakit ng puso nila.

"Tita I'm sorry..." I started to scream, "Tita I just miss nanay and tatay... tita I just can't help it it's hurting real bad!" umiyak na ako ng sobra sa baywang ng tita ko and she's crying even more! Naramdaman kong mas dumami ang pagsisipon sa kwarto at dun ko namalayan na andun pala ang husband ni tita. He was crying too. "Tito... tita... please don't think for a second na you've fallen short sa pagtatayong parents ko. Tita I love you both so much I just miss my parents—"

"Ssshh, tahan na angel. We love you so much too. No need to explain everything. We're always here for you. We're always ready to help. We're always free even if we have our own angel now." Ang tinutukoy ng tita ko ay ang 3-year old nilang anak na si Coby.

My tita calls me angel kahit hindi naman ako ang pumanaw. She treated me as a gift from my parents since hirap silang magkaanak ni tito Nick noon. Not until I was fifteen and my tita got pregnant. They were so happy and told me na they have another angel and I can have a playmate now. Ofcourse I was happy for them. My tita and tito's attention were divided at naiintindihan ko naman because that's their child ofcourse.

Minsan lang, pag namimiss ko lang talaga sila ni mama I can't help it lalo na kapag nakikita ko sina tita at bumabalik lahat ng alaala ko kina mama. Walang kinalaman kina tita ang ginawa ko. I was a fool.

"Tita, I'm so sorry." Sabi ko at medyo napapatahan na.

"It's okay now angel. But can I ask you a favour? Next time you feel like the world is on your shoulders, please wag kang magdalawang isip na tawagan kami. We know it's hard but don't handle things on your own. Especially don't fix things this way. It won't ease the pain, angel.

If you feel like giving up, always think of your parents. I know that if only they have the power to turn back time they would trade every thing they have just to spend eternity with you. You know how much they love you angel, and how much we do too. And continuing to live is the bravest thing you can do for your parents. At least, for your parents." My tita said smiling with tears in the corner of her eyes.

Ang sakit ng dibdib ko. Feeling ko napeperwisyo ko ang tita ko sa pinaggagawa ko. They did everything they can to fill my aching space some love pero pinapakita ko naman sa kanila na hindi sapat lahat ang ginawa nila. Ang sakit isipin. I really am a fool.

"Get some rest now angel. Don't be too tough on your self now okay? I love you." Last thing I knew, nalunod na ako sa tulog.