Fix Me || Jerrie

Chapter 9

3 weeks.

It had been 3 weeks, well 19 days, since Jade had found out about Mackenzie and I hadn't spoken to her since.

I missed her.

It was strange to think about how much of an impact she'd had on me in such a small space of time but after not speaking to her for 19 days I felt like a small piece of me was missing. I'd typed the same text out so many times I'd lost count:

I'm so sorry. Please can we talk? I miss you x.

However Jade had said she needed some time and some space so that was exactly what I was giving her, even if it was slowly killing me to do so. Each time I'd typed the text out my finger had hovered over the send button for a couple of seconds before I'd quickly deleted the entire text. I needed to respect Jade's wish for time because I was the one who had ruined everything so it wasn't my choice as to if it could be fixed. I really wished it could though.

I wondered how Jade was feeling: was she even thinking about it and me or had she already moved on. I mean we hadn't know each other very long and we weren't official or anything so if she had I wouldn't blame her. I just hoped that whatever she was feeling she was feeling better than me. It felt like I was constantly sad and even though Mackenzie could make me smile, it was only temporary. The dark clouds of my emotions would return on a night once Mackenzie was asleep and I was alone with no distractions.

Night times had always been the worst. Before I'd met Jade I used to spend my nights curled up on the sofa, wrapped in our tatty throw whilst I'd watched whatever had been showing on the tv or I'd do the housework, the cleaning or the washing. It had been a monotonous cycle of grey.

Then I'd met Jade.

Suddenly, my nights especially had been filled with laughter and jokes, Jade had injected colour into my nights and she hadn't even realised it. Of course she'd done the same with my days as well it was just easier to notice at night because I had Mackenzie during the day and she brightened up my life and made me laugh. At nights though I used to stay up late lounging around texting Jade or laughing with her over the phone. It felt like I had a part of my old life back, back when I used to talk to my friends whilst pretending I was doing school work, but it was different at the same time. It was better though because it was Jade I was talking to.

Now it was back to how it was the first couple of months after I ran away, only this was so much worse. Back then I'd been missing my friends and my family and my entire life but it hadn't been my choice to leave. I'd ran because I'd had to and I'm sure someone would argue that I could of stayed, that I had a choice but at the moment I'd decided to run I didn't feel like I had a choice. Now though I was missing Jade and at night I had nobody and that was all my fault. It was my fault Jade wasn't talking to me, it was my fault she hated me and it was my fault I was alone. I'd had a choice, I could of told Jade about Mackenzie... I should of told her. I know I'd had reasons not to tell her but the moment I'd realised I wanted to see Jade again and the definitely the moment I realised what me and Jade shared was more than just friends was when I should of told her. I should of just said 'I have a 2 year old daughter.' Being scared was not an excuse. She was always going to have to find out if we were to ever become something, there was no way I could have her whilst she didn't know about Mackenzie. Mackenzie was the most important part of my life and I couldn't live a life with her and a separate life with Jade. I should of told her, maybe things would have been different if she'd heard it from me rather than finding out how she did.

But I couldn't change things now. All I could do now was wait and hope that Jade would forgive me. I'd do anything to earn her forgiveness. I'd tell her the entire story, even the bits I'd never told anyone, if only I could have her back. That was up to Jade though and not me. I was just going to have to wait and see what she decided.