Beat Of My Heart

Verse Twenty

I heard everyone's voices, I could see their eyes and their worry for me, but I couldn't move my eyes from their catatonic state.  I couldn't speak, couldn't tell anyone what was wrong. 

Jason showed up to drive us home since I rode to school with my mom and apparently Josie had hitched a ride from him to school earlier that day.  I would've asked her about it had it not been for my state of disarray.  It was like a lump was permanently lodged in my throat, and I didn't want it to go away.  I didn't want to talk about anything, ever. 

"Is she okay?  Is this about the picture, because-"

"Jason, just leave it alone.  She obviously either doesn't want to talk about it or can't, either way, we have to give her some space.  Can you just take us to her house please?" she asked him, the pleading look on her face causing him to resign himself with a sigh and motioned for us with his arm to get into the black SUV waiting on the curb. 

"I just don't get why she isn't saying anything..." he continued on. 

I didn't quite know the answer to that myself. 

"Hey, I've got Holly.  You messed up, bro." I heard him say quietly into his phone.  I figured it was a bad idea to go with Jason when I was in such a bad state, but I didn't really have control over my actions at that moment in time. 

It figured that he would call Sebastian at my most vulnerable moment, the one where I needed him most but resented him more than I ever had resented anyone before in my life. 

I wanted to sigh in relief and cry at the same time knowing that he would be there waiting for me when I got to my house, but of course that was the most conflicting feeling I could have. 

The car ride was short, the trees whirring past my window and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't concentrate on anything besides the rushing in my ears and the thickening in my throat.  I couldn't cry, I wouldn't.  I knew I wouldn't stop once I started. 

All I could think about was that picture.  He had been wearing his signature white t shirt and his dark jeans.  She was pushed all up against him, his hands resting on her shoulders like he was embracing her, her limbs wrapped up all over him like they didn't have a care in the world. 

And then I thought about my father.  How could my parents have betrayed me for so long, not telling me that my life had pretty much been an entire lie?  They were never planning on telling me that my father wasn't who they had always said he was, and I could probably have understood if they had planned on telling me at least sometime in the future when I got older.  

But no.  They were never planning on telling me anything.  

I wondered about all of the times that all of my friends would talk about how much they looked like their mom or dad.  Looking back, I realized that my mom never compared how I looked or how I acted to my dad.  That was because he wasn't even my real dad at all. 

My head was spinning a million miles a minute, so fast that I didn't even notice Sebastian standing by my door when we pulled up to my house.  I realized that I didn't want to go home.  They would all just trap me and force me to talk about things that I was in no way shape or form ready to talk about. 

I thanked my lucky stars that I was wearing my white Converse high tops because as soon as Jason came around to open my door and I saw that pensive, apologetic look on Sebastian's gorgeous features, I bolted. 

I had barely made it five steps before he started yelling my name to stop, but I refused.  I had to get away from him, away from all of the pain that he had caused me.  All of the pain my mom had caused me.