Beat Of My Heart

Verse Eleven

I took a deep shuddering breath and prepared myself to see him again after all that I'd been through that day.  Did I really have it in me to lie to him to his face?  To tell him that I was alright when in reality I was anything but?

I had this strange feeling that I had to pretend like everything was alright in front of Sebastian, almost like I was scared that once he found out the depth of my scars and my past that he wouldn't ever want to speak to me again. 

And that brought on a whole other onslaught of different emotions and thoughts.  What if he was just playing me, just trying to get me to put out like Dylan had, and once he got what he wanted or decided I wasn't worth the effort he would turn cold and distant and abusive just like what had happened to me before. 

I didn't think I could live through another ordeal like the one I'd suffered that week, first it was the scene in the hallway at school, then I was kicking him in the balls and then the cafeteria and now this!

I could deal with the rejection and the breakup, that was just emotional pain that I could get over.  I thought I had loved him but looking back at how easy it was to get over him, I realized that it was nothing more than obligation. 

I had felt like I was supposed to be dating someone like him, and so I did.  I was so glad that I didn't give him my virtue, especially after all the things he'd said and done to me. 

But once the emotional abuse and the physicality of it all entered the picture, I was a total mess. I felt like I was hanging on a tether, watching him post pictures with Gwen after the fact, before he had ever hit me, and I felt so inadequate, like I had to dress a certain way and be a specific person in order to be happy, and because I was so ordinary and not girly at all and never tried that I didn't deserve that happiness that Gwen got with Dylan. 

But now I realized how much of a farce it had all been.  I was sure that if I looked back on those pictures, her smile would be forced and his hand would probably be squeezing her a little too tight around the waist, his nails digging into her flesh as he held her still to take a picture to show the world how fake happy they were. 

I used to be that girl.   

And now I was the girl sitting in the back of Sebastian Jennings' personal vehicle, with his best friend and chauffeur taking me back to his place for a personal self defense class in his home gym.  

What a one eighty. 

"Are you okay?  You seem a little quiet..." Jason spoke to me from the front seat, brown eyed gaze searching for something wrong with me through the rear view mirror. 

"Yep, totally fine." I lied through my teeth. 

"You know, you don't have to lie.  I heard the phone call...he was using my phone remember?" he said to me and I totally forgot about that part. 

Sebastian was fed up that I was ignoring him so he decided to call me on a number that I wouldn't recognize.  Of course he would. 

I flung my long auburn colored tresses over my shoulder and pierced my odd, color changing hazel eyes at him as I cringed at what he'd said. 

"What even happened anyway?  I didn't hear anything after the 'You bitch!' part..." I trailed off, hoping he wouldn't ask why I didn't know what happened afterwards. 

He sighed and ran a hand through his stringy light brown hair.  

"Well, we were on speaker so we heard something hit something.  I wasn't sure what it was but Sebastian was sure that he'd hit you.  Then Sebastian started cursing at him and a lot of drama happened, then the other guy said that you were his girlfriend and belonged to him and blah blah blah and then the other guy hung up.  Sebastian kept calling back for like fifteen minutes until you finally answered..."