Our Love Is Tainted

Chapter 2: Hiding In The Sorrow

The darkness. It's swallowed my mind like a bullet swallows a part of the human body, crafting its own form, the form is the bullet hole caused by the power a simple man-made weapon. The darkness. The reason for my hiding in the sorrow, the pain I've felt for the past two months, the anger I've been self-inflicted upon. The darkness. It takes a nightmarish form, prowls in the streets of my mind, and it looks just like me, just, like, me. Nothing has felt the same since that night, I've heard about what I did, seems to be a topic nobody lets go. I apparently used kitchen knives to stick Patrick to the kitchen wall, broke Chad's neck, for the second time, and, the worst of all, I was trying to kill Violet. I mean, me? Me out of all people, was trying to kill Violet? No, it's the only thing I doubt, but still, the possibility of it is the reason why I continue to hide from everyone I know loves me, even Nora. Violet is all I think about, day in and day out, but I can't let her find me, that's why I've been throwing Vivian's lists into the fire, just to make sure that doesn't matter what they do, they won't find me.

Shame. The reason for my hiding, the reason why I don't let myself get close to people anymore. How could I show my face? While I'm still covered in these disgusting tattoos, the evil still branded onto the roof of my skin, I hate it, I hate all of it. I've tried to cut them off, yeah sounds painful, doesn't it? Holy fuck, I'm talking to myself, stop Tate. Using a rusted blade to try to cut off skin that will merely heal once again, it's pointless, and I don't know why, but I feel the need to continue to do so. Taint. The symbol of evil, the reason of, well, most of my evil deeds, there are two that I committed myself into doing; one was cutting the girl that was attempting to murder Violet nearly in half, and other, murdering the exterminator that found Violet's body. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't risk Violet finding out that she was dead before I found the need to tell her, that would have just broken her heart earlier. The high school massacre, that's, something I don't entirely know about. I'm not going to blame Taint for every bad thing I've done, but, I don't what happened that day. Was it the drugs I was on? Was it because I'm simply a bad person? Or is it something else inside?

The sit in the dust and dirt of my newly found hideout, a place I know is away from anywhere anyone would ever look, not even Beau, or Thaddeus for that matter. It's been lonely here, the only company I have being the voice in my fucken' head, even then, knowing its intentions, I ignore it, most of the time. I tried writing in a journal, but that didn't work, tried cutting myself, and that didn't work. Violet would kill me if she ever found out I was punishing myself again, especially knowing that this time, has been a lot worse. There was one moment where I left the place I sit in today, but not with the best intentions. I took the TV from the basement, dragging it up the stairs and to the bathroom. I filled the bath, right to the top, and I climbed in, laying down in it. At the time, the only thing I could feel is my clothes becoming soaking wet, that's when I managed to drag the TV on top of me. Drowning. That's all I remembered, over and over again, dying, waking up and dying again. It was a vicious cycle for god knows how long, but there was one last thing that I remembered; thinking that "I deserve this, all of this". I wanted to suffer that day, or night, or whatever long I was in that bathtub but seems that, whoever took the TV off my chest, thought otherwise. I guess it was time to do what I normally do, check up on Vi.

I make sure that I can't be seen before making myself appear in Violet's room, and to no surprise, she was already fast asleep. She sleeps so beautifully, and I miss seeing that face every day, waking up to it and going to sleep to it. I miss her beauty, her laugh, her smile, even her smoking habits, and I hated when she smoked. I'm glad to see that she hasn't been cutting herself, Nora calls it a gift, but I can tell when people have been doing stuff like that, and Violet hasn't. But, I can tell that she's been crying herself to sleep every night for the past three weeks, not only because of the tears still connected to the corner of her cheek but for more sophisticated reasons. I take step towards her, wiping the tears from her cheek and onto my shirt, that's when I lose myself to how adorable she looks. Oh, Violet, how could I have ever let you go? One bad of me makes me want to wake her up and tell her that I'm sorry for leaving, but I can't not while I still have the tattoos on my skin. That's when I hear it, the sound of footsteps coming towards the door, and the doorknob turning. So much for showing myself, huh?

The door opens and its Vivien, standing next to Ben as they both observe their sleeping daughter.
"She's finally asleep, and she looks peaceful," Vivien states. "I've never seen her like this in a long time."
"No tears under her eyes, that's a good sign, Vivien," Ben comments.
Yeah, that's what they think, but before they entered the room, I wiped the tears from her eyes. Do they think, she's, over me? Do they expect her to look past my presence, and find someone else? I don't know how Vivien and Ben Harmon's minds work, I prefer that I don't because it makes life less complicated than it has to. But Violet, she's suffering because of me, crying because of me. I'm causing her more pain, more pain than I already have, and it's unfair to her. I love Violet Harmon, there's no doubt about that, but I can't show myself, not until I can find the cure to this sickness, this corruption, this darkness. Some say the only way for a true evil to exist, is something was once seen as truly good. Is that the process I went through? Was a once an angel, that was tainted by darkness, and then became a devil?

"We have to find more ways to find Tate," Ben adds, surprising Vivien. "He's our only hope of making her happy."
"Do you trust him?" Vivien asks.
"To an extent," Ben answers.
It doesn't surprise me, after everything I've done, Ben doesn't trust me one-hundred percent. I find it as a fair deal, not like a have a choice, I can't manipulate both of their feelings from bad to good, only from good to bad, that's easy. I watch them as they close the door, leaving Violet to her slumber, leaving just the two of us. She looks so peaceful, probably from exhaustion, but that's beside the point. She's an innocent butterfly, flying her wings all around the filthy horror-show the world is. When someone says that the world is full of evil, she's the exception, the only angel in the city of demons, like the Black Rose; beautiful and majestic, but still dead and traumatised. Sometimes, I wish she never fell in love with me, because then, I'd be a simple title; the boy who raped her mother, but of course, it's never that simple is it?

Before I let my feelings take over, I port away from the room, and outside, in the backyard. I appear against the fence, staring around the yard's still fresh over-look. I don't know how the ghosts of this place have kept this place so clean, so full of life, even though it's technically dead. The lawn is mowed, the gardens are sustained, and the gazebo where Hayden's corpse lies lays dusted and webbed. If I wasn't in this contemplative state of mind, I'd see it as paradise, but, for now, that isn't the case. That's when my eyes meet that one spot that always makes my skin crawl, that patch of dirt that I know makes my spine tingle, I hate that spot, the memories that exist with it, I hate it. The patch of dirt stares at me innocently, with the intentions of making me feel like shit, it works, it always works every time I find myself out in the backyard. I know that's the place where Violet's body lies, the place where I buried her decomposing body. I remember crying the entire time, because I knew that I failed to stop her from killing herself, as much I tried, I couldn't save her life from the horrors of Murder House, and I'll never forgive myself for that, for not saving her.

"You seem lonely."
"Fuck off," I snarl at the voice in my head, as aggressively as I normally do. God, this voice, it doesn't know how to leave me alone, how to keep me from losing my shit and putting a bullet in my brain. In all honesty, it just makes me want to do it sooner.
"Now, we both know that was rude. C'mon, Tate, at least buy me dinner first."
"I'm not buying you anything, I'm going to get rid of you."
"We both know, that's impossible. You're always going to be the pain in her heart, Tate, the weakness in her life. You raped her mother, killed all of those people, and for what, to win-"
"The Noble War."
"You see, we're both the same, we think the same. I can help you, help you make them suffer. I can help you win the war, it isn't over yet, you still have a chance to make a difference in this world."
"No thanks, I'll pass on that proposal. I've already made a difference in this world; I broke hearts, ruined lives, and took them, that's enough change for one lifetime and afterlife-time. I'm not listening to you anymore, you can go fuck yourself."
"Fine, but, listen to the song of the Noble War."

A whistling tune remains lingering in my head, like a mental-sickness. It echoes, over and over, the tune from my dreams, it itches in my mind, making me feel like killing more people. But that's what he wants me to do, he wants to make me kill more people, he wants me to ruin more lives, break more hearts, make more 'change'. The tune becomes louder, making it very difficult to block it out from my mind, and as usual, I'm having no luck with ignoring it. Fuck this, fuck everything, the cunt in my head wants me to burst brain cells, break bones, bleed to the point of being bled dry. I hate it, I hate it, It makes me wanna' lose my mind all over again, start the Noble War all over again. I wish Violet could save me, but she can't, I'm stuck in this situation, and it's beginning to swallow me. That's when I join the tune, whistling to it, Jesus Christ, he's got me in his grasp again, I'm tainted, all over again.