Our Love Is Tainted

Chapter 1: Searching For A Darkness

It's been two months since I've last seen him, since I last felt his presence, smelt his hair, touched his skin, kissed his lips, now all I feel is the pain. Tate Langdon, god, his name is all that stays in my head all day, and his face is all I dream about all night. I dream about finding him, being able to sleep beside him once again, but I was always wake up the same way; in tears, knowing that it's all been a dream and not reality. Nothing feels the same since his sudden disappearance, all I've been is upset, I mean, I don't need to eat, but I haven't been, not for weeks. I haven't been giving myself the satisfaction of tasting the sweetness of good food in ages, only because I want to feel the way Tate most likely is, just to feel a connection with him, it's all I want, all I want is him. I miss him like crazy, how much I miss my Tate, is crazier than an American girl loving an Australian boy, I miss him more than every long-distance relationship combined in one, and even Nora knows how bad I've been feeling lately, I think that's something we have that in common. The one I fear most, is what he could be doing to himself, again. I don't want him punishing himself, especially because of something that was most definitely, not in his control, it was Taint, it's always been Taint.

I sit in my room, in the presence of Nora, my mom, and for unknown reasons, Hayden. Hayden has been trying to fit into the family for a while, helping Moira around the house, even assisting my mother when it comes to cooking dinner and, surprisingly, babysitting Jeffrey at times. Another surprising aspect, my mother has been compliant the entire time. But enough about Hayden's past situations, it's about today's situation; finding Tate Langdon. We all sit in my room, enjoying the morning sunshine as we discuss all of the places we have searched for my true love, and the places we are yet to search. But the numbers are quickly depleting, there are few places we could look, and few places I know Tate wouldn't even consider going there. One would be the infantata's den, another would be inside the walls themselves, otherwise, I can't think of anything else, and this is really beginning to piss me off. The fact that my dad was the one to make him disappear makes it worse, so much worse, my mind fills with venomous thoughts every time I look at him. I feel like I'm going to lose my fucking mind sooner or later, and if I don't find Tate in the next week, I feel like it's going to happen quicker than I could ever, ever, anticipate.

"We need to find him, girls. We need to find Tate," Nora sighs, her eyes choking down on tears, god she's been such a mess. Nora is basically Tate's fraternity mother, she's always been there for him, I used to consistently question what their relationship consisted of before he met me, but I highly doubt they were anything more and a mother, child relationship. It makes me upset, knowing that Nora may have possibly lost her second child. I nod my head in agreement, there's nothing else I could do; going into more detail would make the situation worse, and arguing would be pointless, we both want the same thing, we all want the same thing from this meeting.
"Vi- Honey," Hayden says as she grasps my arm. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay, just thinking and stuff."
"Where have we searched again? I keep on misplacing the list of places we've searched, or they keep disappearing, one of the two," my mother explains, fiddling around with the artistic pen the previous owners had left behind. "So I'm going to start writing another list."
"Basement, attic, upstairs closets, backyard shed," Hayden pauses, stating the places quicker than everyone expected. Now she was thinking.
"Roof," I add, thinking about how ridiculous the choice was, why would Tate hide on the roof? Ghosts are weightless if they want to be, but that isn't the point. "We've searched the roof."
"I do not expect my boy to hide with Thaddeus," Nora states. "Don't think he'd want to hide there. The same with the walls, Tate's claustrophobic."

"He is?" I ask. "He's never told me that."
Tate has never told me he was claustrophobic, he's never really told about anything that he's afraid of, not to me anyway. Only thing, and he didn't even have to tell me. He was always afraid of losing me, I remember seeing the look on his face when he knew I was leaving him; heart-broken and full of pain, scared and full of regret. But I was still a bitch, I still left him, and I regret it so bad. If my mother could forgive him for what he did, and my father, I could have, but I didn't, and the reminder aches in my chest.
"That's because he always wants to show a sense of bravery, compassion and that he was 'fearless'. Especially for you, Violet. He's ashamed of his lack of control. how he had suddenly gave in to his bad side, even if it wasn't his fault. He doesn't want to see us because he fears our judgement, he always has feared judgement, that's something that is Constance's fault, no-one else. But if you really want a 'Nora Brand' of honestly, I'll give it to you. As soon as he met you, Violet, as soon as he spoke a word to you and you spoke back, he came straight to me and told me. At that time, he didn't know he was dead, and, honestly, that was the first time I saw a sense of life inside of him, even when he was a child, he was always sad, and that changed when he came into your life... He loved you from the start, and if anyone can bring him back from this, it's you, it will always be you."
"I certainly hope so," I agree, blushing at what the sweet mouth of Nora had just told me.

That's when the new game plan begins, we're up to Plan 'F', the final plan as my mother titled it. The thought of the house giving up on Tate upsets me, how could they? No, Nora won't let that- I, won't let that happen. He is family, he's everyone's family, sure, he's made some unappealing choices, he does have his issues, but unlike everyone else's issues, his are completely justified. He has voices in his head, a second self-branded inside of him, and only the devil would know what his nightmares are about. I've never thought about until now, but the more I think about it, D.I.D, Dissociative Identity Disorder, an aspect of the human mind that can consist of a sudden takeover. Tate, Tate, oh Tate. I've said it before, he's an amazing person, and amazing people don't just show up to their school and start shooting people for no reason, he's emotional, yeah that's clear, but there's something else to him. Maybe his alternate personality, is Taint? Maybe that's why he didn't remember what he did, nor how he did and dreamt about it? The thoughts are clearer the clearest of water, cleaner than the shiniest of diamonds, it makes all sense now. Now, that's just another reason to find him before it's too late.

"Vi, honey?" I hear my mother's voice say. "You okay?"
"Yeah, mom, I'm fine."
My eyes peer over at the window, noticing how the morning sun has disappeared.
"What time is it, Hayden?" I ask her, watching her as she pulls out her mobile phone.
"It is, eight o'clock," she smiles, her brown eyes staring at the background picture of her and Jeffrey, one my mother took for her.
Eight?! Was I really day-dreaming for that long?! Day had suddenly turned to night in what felt like a matter of minutes of thinking. Did it really take me that long to be put the pieces of the puzzle together, or does time really tend to fly like a fucking jet when you're dead? So many questions in my head, no answers to them, it's irritating.
"I dozed all day, I'm sorry," I say, pleading for my mother's forgiveness, I did set the meeting up.
"It's okay, Violet," Nora smiles. "We've discussed the rest of the places he could be hiding, but they don't make sense."
"No plan?" I sigh, looking down at my feet.
"I'm sorry, honey," Hayden says, standing up and tottering out of Violet's bedroom door.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Are we really out of plans? Out of ideas? Out of excuses as to why we can't find Tate? I'm so enraged, but I'm going to hold it all in until Nora and my mom leave my room. If Tate was here, with me, I wouldn't feel like this, but he's not here, he's gone, lost. I've been searching for a darkness for the past two months, but it's not necessarily a bad darkness that I've been desperately looking for, it's an infatuation, a love deep inside of my heart and mind. He's my everything; my world, my universe, my darkness, and my prince. Tate Langdon, Tate Langdon, TATE FUCKING LANGDON! Have I got D.I.D? Am I absolutely losing my fucking mind?! Save me, Tate, I need you with me, I need your warmth, your love, I need you! So much anger and sadness, I didn't even notice Nora and my mom leaving my room.

I launch myself onto my bed, taken in the warmth that it gives me, but at the same time, rejecting it. It's not the warmth I want, it's not the warmth I need. I knew being dead would suck the big one, but not this bad, I knew it would hurt, but not this bad. Everything sucks, at this point anyway, nothing feels right, not without him.
"Shit, Violet," I whisper to myself. "What the hell is wrong with you? Put yourself together."
I pick up my pillow, placing it against my face as I scream like a cliché teenage girl. The sudden cry In my voice is unlike anything I've ever felt in my life, complete stupidity, complete and utter blasphemy. Where are you, Tate Langdon? The sudden feeling comes to me every now and again, it's so strange, it's like sometimes, I swear I can see him watching me.