Learning To Live Again

Chapter 2

***trigger warning on one part***

"Genny, time to get up."

"What time is it?" I ask Mom as I roll over in bed.

"Four."

"Four? I have an audition today at five!"

I jump out of bed and start getting ready.

I look like a mess. My bangs are all sticking straight up. I wet my brush and fix that. I have to bush my the rest of my straight short hair. My makeup is all screwed up. So I redo that. I am in my pj's right now because I totally forgot I had an audition today. I put on black dress pants, a red sweater with a v shaped neckline, black Toms, a black and sparkly scarf (that I made! I crochet a lot. I make hats, blankets, and scarfs.).

"Okay Genny. You look good. You are going to rock this auditon!" I give myself an encouraging pep talk in the mirror.

I grab my phone and say Jordan has been texting me:

Jordan--Hey! How has your first day?

Jordan--YO! Answer me! REMEMBER WE HAVE AN AUDITION TONIGHT! LOOK PRETTY!

Jordan--WOMEN!! MY BEST FRIEND!! ANSWER ME!

Jordan--Ugh! Just don't be late to the audition!

I just laugh. Jordan is really the best friend I could ask for. But she is my only friend. When my mental illnesses hits all my friends left me. But Jordan didn't and I thank for it. I was also VERY obessed with my abusive boyfriend. We would always break up then get back together. We really had a good relationship till his grandpa died. Then he turned into a monster.

But the other day, I looked at his Facebook page, and saw he got fat! Ha! Take that you abusive jerk!

It's the little things that make me smile.

"Bye!" I call out to my family as I walk out the door.

"Have fun Sweetie!" Mom calls back.

"Good luck! Break a leg!" My sister Ashen calls out.

I turn on my worship music when I get in my car.

Lately I have been struggling with my relationship with God. I have been feeling very angry at Him. Just my life has been so rough. First with mental illnesses and now with fibromyalgia. I feel like God hates me because bad things always happen to me. Feels like I just can't catch a break.

Now I am here to my college.

Time for an audition.

I can do this.

First, I need my anxiety pills. I grab a bottle from my pink leather purse and take the pills. I really take SOO many pills, it's hard to keep track of all of them.

"Gen! You are here!" Jordan calls as she runs up to me and hugs me. She can tell I am shaking so she whispers in my ear:

"You are going to do great! Just be yourself!"

I fake smile back at her.

"Genesis Jones! You are up next!" Shouts the theater director Mr. Alan.

I come up to the stage. I singing and act my butt off.

I felt like I did really good despite being so nervous.

"You did great!" Jordan sings as I walk off the stage.

"Thanks girl. Sorry I didn't text you. I was asleep." I explain.

"You had me worried you won't going to come tonight."

"But I did."

"Yes you did."

She smiles at me and I smile back.

"When will we know our roles?" I ask her.

"Tomorrow he will post a list." She answers.

"Awesome! Well I will see you tomorrow for our sleep over!"

Tomorrow Jordan is coming over to my house to eat food, watch tv, and wear pj's. We always have so much fun together. She's the best!

"Okay bye!" She waves bye to me as I walk out of the theater and to my car.

I get in my car and pain just comes over me. I have been hurting all day but now it's screaming bloody murder pain! I hurt SOO bad!

I cry the whole drive home.

"Hey! How was your audition?" Mom asks as I come in the door. Mom is reading on the love seat, Ashen is playing on her phone with Crazy Cat (yes that really is his name) on her lap, and Dad on the computer (as always. He is always on the computer).

"Great." I fake smile.

"I am going to change clothes." I call out as I go in my arm and flop down on my bed.

I begin to cry again and this time, the thoughts start.

****trigger warning****

"Useless. Wortless. Fat. Ugly. Kill yourself! You are in SOO much pain it makes you want to die! So die you fat pig!" My thoughts scream.

I just cry harder.

I lay on my bed for a while. I finally stop crying so I get up and put on my pj's. Putting on my pj's is one of my favorite things to do.

Little comes in my bedroom and sits on my lap for a while.

"Knock, knock." Mom smiles as she comes in my room.

"Hey." I fake smile.

"What's wrong?" She asks me while she sits on my bed.

"I was doing okay. I killed the audition. But once I went to my car, the pain started. Then the thoughts came. I just feel like a mess. I am hurting ALL THE THING! I just wish it would end!" I cry.

"Oh Sweetheart, it's going to be okay. We will see the specialist next week and get you on some medicine that will help. Just hold on till Wednesday. Okay?"

"Okay."

We talk for a while but then I got tired so I went to bed.

That's when the nightmares start.

****

Hey beautiful! I hope you enjoyed this! I love you so much and thank you for reading!❤️

-xoxo Caty❤️