easy | e. dolan

16. - talking

i didn't love her. i sure as hell don't love her. she acts like bullying the love of my life is okay. she says that she was proud of it so i confronted her about it.

she said that she only did it as a joke, but i said that it wasn't funny. she then dumped her remains that was in her glass of water and spilled it on me, calling me a, "dick,".

so i went home. and i cried. a lot. i cried that i don't remember why i even started talking to nicola.

wait. now i remember. because i have to get over avi. but i can't. and i won't. so don't try to convince me. don't try to fucking test me. i committed to loving her, and wanting her, but now i just want to hold her. even if she hates me.

the fuck, i hurt her today. again. and that's all i'll ever do. no, scratch that. i'll love her too. and i'll want her. and i'll need her. and i'll cry for her. and i'll try. for her.

i'll try to make her be mine. so i need to stop being a pussy and make it fucking work.

i need to stop fucking crying and grow some damn balls and suck it up. life is hard. life sucks.

so i stopped. well, i tried. i took off my face and neck tattoo. and the ones on my finger; the cross. the only one on my hand is my date. our date.

i took away my tongue piercing and fixed my brow. and i got a new tattoo. where my arm muscle is, where people usually flex and a muscle pops up: yeah. that's where.

it read,"aviana." you might think it's stupid, but i love her. you wouldn't understand. you dont know a lot of things, okay?

you don't know how much i love her. you don't know how much i want to hold her. you don't know how much i crave her. you don't know how much i regret yelling at her. you don't know how much i regret hurting her. you don't know how much pain i've caused her. you don't know how much i want her to be mine. you don't know a lot of shit.

but you know i love her. just not how much.
—
"ethan, i'm home!" graysons voice echoed throughout the apartment.

"ethan?" he called again, but i ignored it. his footsteps seemed to get louder as they walked down the corridor and into my room.

"knock knock." he leaned on the doorway, mocking on my door. i turned to face him, but i ignored him.

"ethan, we need to talk." grayson sat next to me on my bed.

"there is nothing to talk about, grayson." i said calmly, not trying to be rude.

"yeah, ethan," grayson cleared his throat, "we do. i'm losing my brother, e. and it feels like i already have."

i made eye contact with him, completely shocked.

"what are you saying?" i narrowed my eyebrows.

"i just feel like you haven't been comfortable with me anymore. like i'm a stranger, e. it's scaring the living shit out of me." grayson bit the inside of cheek.

"i'm sorry if you feel different grayson, it's just who i've become." i made up, running a hand through my hair.

"no it isn't. it's just who she's made you." grayson admitted.

"you're right, gray. and i hate it. you're always right. i don't know what the fuck she's doing to me, but it seems like you do." i stated.

"well, i need you to stay safe, eth. you don't know the damage you've caused when you just leave the house." grayson's eyes glossed.

"i-i'm sorry, grayson. i promise, i'll go out, fuck around, annoy you, and start eating again if you want me to." i smiled.

"good." he stood up and i repeated his actions, standing up embracing his big body. my left arm latched around his right shoulder and the other one around his right torso.

"i missed you, eth." he spoke into my ear, patting my back.

"i missed you too, gray."
—
"aviana, listen to yourself! you're hiding shit from me and i know it! i know i've been gone for awhile but i love you, dammit!" cody admitted, having his words come and slap me in the face.

"well i'm sorry that you chose your career over me, the sister you've dreamed of, but i just can't trust you, okay?!" i yelled back.

"and why can't you fucking trust me, avi?" his voice lowered; cracking at the same time.

"because..." i looked down,"i don't know, cody. i'm sorry."

"i-its fine, aviana. i just want things to go back to how they used to be." cody sat down on my white couch.

"me too, cody," i sat down next to him, "i wish i could time travel and go back two months ago." i blurted out, immediately regretting it.

"wait, what? why two months ago? what are you talking about?" cody snapped.

i took a deep, sharp inhale. i. am. a. fucking. idiot.

"so, when you were gone," i licked my lips, "i met a guy named ian."
—
i told him everything. from how ian left me, to how i saw him at the restaurant yesterday. and how we both still love each other.

cody, although, was taking the news very well. he seemed to understand me and get along with how i felt.

"wait wait wait. you mean to tell me that this elliot, eric guy was in the same building as me yesterday and hurt you?" cody asked. i nodded, having the outcome being cody clenching his jaw.

"but cody please don't do anything-"

"where is that little bastard?" he grumbled, standing up.

"like i would tell you." i scoffed.

"tell me. now." cody gritted his teeth as he spoke, licking his lips.

"just don't do anything stupid, cod."

"i'll try, avi."