Someone Else's Diary

26. Bell jar and Kidney beans.

I took in a couple of Valium, which typically produced a calming effect right before I was going in for the surgery.
"You still have time to think my dear!" My father said softly enough for me to hear. He was clearly against my idea for transplantation.

"You don't have to worry about me I promise!" I told back swallowing the lump formed down my throat.

"Why do you want this to be a secret when eventually Zahran will get to know about this?" Hira squeezed my hand.
"He shouldn't."

"May I ask why? are you scared he will not accept this?"

"You may not ask why."

She rolled her eyes and licked her lips pondering in the most philosophical way possible.

"You can do this! She's just annoying you." Amina said smiling her brightest smiles.

"I know."
Damn I was being extremely rude.

I smiled at everyone and felt awfully bad to see these many people looking at me as if I was going to die. They didn't even smile back at me, only horrified eyes stared at me.

"Mrs. Mariam you may write and sign a letter that you are doing this out of your own will and that you won't have any profit out of this,"the nurse handed me a white sheet of paper with some stamps and other signatures.
Ofcourse I have a profit! Atleast my husband can be saved from crap.

Writing my own will freaked the life out of me. I cared for my health ofcourse but I had to do this for my husband.
My granny sat there devastated and she never spoke a word to me. She last told me that it is a very bad idea and I'm putting myself into lots of risks in future. I couldn't manage to console her. I wonder how she'll feel when I leave to live on my own.

A lone tear dropped down on the sheet as I scribbled and wrote on air not knowing how to complete my will. I signed it and exhaled my breath which I had been holding for a while.

"Don't you wanna see ye'r 'usband before ye go in?" Dr. Phoebe asked before we could get inside.

Her slang was also different, maybe she was from the east end of London with a slight cockney accent.. who cares anyway.

I shook my head in the tiniest 'no' possible. I wanted to see him but not now. I was the one to go in first and after me Zahran would be operated.
I couldn't feel my legs, hands, face nothing! Everything went numb even before an anaesthesia was administered to me. Zahran will recover and get back to normal, no more pains, no more butterfly rashes, no more foamy urine because he was getting what he needed and I was giving up somethimg which I shouldn't.

I made a peace sign at Dr. Phoebe, Well she was the coolest doctor I've ever met. She chuckled at me and I felt my eyes drooping. I still heard the sounds of the steels which were moved, used and replaced here and there. My pulse being monitored, everything was weird with me being the patient.

"Please get the Scalpel, PEER Retractor and Curett......"
I was no longer in my senses to hear anything further.

"How are you feeling Mrs. Mariam?" Dr. Phoebe asked but her image was blur as it never reached my retina.

I kept quiet blinking into the dim light out of the OT. My dad and Nihaya and everyone else were here waiting outside, asking me how I'm feeling, I stayed quite trying to look at them clearly, I didn't feel any pain but just in a dead beat maybe.

"I'm good! Alhamdulillah," I said twitching my lips upward in an affirmative way.

"You do? How are you feeling?" Aunt Khadija pressed my shoulders, but her face was still horrified.