Changed

Sixteen

-SIXTEEN-

"Remember her?" Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya niya na sabihin yun. Nakita kong kumunot yung noo niya at ngumisi sakin.

"Yeah. Who wouldn't, right, Bekah?" He asked the girl who was now glaring at me from head to foot. I swallowed hard and looked away.

"Right," Bekah said through gritted teeth. Tumalikod siya tska umalis.

Everyday I feel guilty lalo na pag nakikita ko sila. Naaawa ako sakin. Kung hindi pa nila ko napapatawad, so do I to myself.

"Do you want to have dinner with us? Tapos naman na kaming bumili," offered Sage. I was silently praying na i-decline niya yung request pero ngumiti siya at sumagot ng oo.

The atmosphere is heavy and it felt awkward to the point that my chest is contracting inside me. I feel like crying then shouting. Im crushing deep inside and it's killing me. I haven't thought of this. Akala ko, wala na kong magiging connection sa kanilang lahat. Blimey, I was wrong. It's like the life's having its revenge for all the bad things I did.

"Oh, bat andito siya?" I was hit by Beka's vocal personality. Everybody's scared of her because of her scary and bossy aura. She's very straightforward and says what she feels regardless of what state you're on or what will you feel afterwards. She hates everybody who hates her but loves everyone who cares and treasure her. She's a good friend, no doubt. She says less but do more kinda girl.

"She's with Sage," Richard said, her long-time suitor. I don't know if they're together now or still not. The hard part is that Sage I were in the same circle until I lost everyone. The world falls apart and he stays with them leaving me behind.

"You're damn crazy asshole," she spat and glared at him.

"Easy, tigress. Let's eat in peace, shall we?"

"Bullshit. If you're trying to fix this fuck-up relationship of ours, I'm telling you no. Never, Sage. Never." Her words stung like bees. The way she said it, it's like I'm lost all over again. Parang bahay na ini-sketch palang pero nawala na. I stooped my head down as she continues, "And please, if you're planning then that's bad; I wish you no luck. If you dont have any intentions, thats good, we're on the same page."

"Chill," Sage joked and I appreciated it. Richard put an arm around her and whispered in her ear. I feel empty, guilty and regretful all of a sudden. Regret because I lost almost all the person who I loved and who accepted me for all my flaws.

Bekah almost stand if not for the waiter who served our meals and Richard's grip around her wrist. It takes a lot of effort to hold the fork without shaking. I turned my attention on the food so I wont look at them.

"Ugh! I cant take it. How can you eat with her? Fuck it." I shivered at the sound of the utensils being put down in a loud way. Tumayo na pala si Bekah at hinabol ni Richard. This is all wrong, if I weren't there, sana nagsasaya silang kumain and mag-catch up sa isa't isa.

Like Bekah, I cant take it any longer. I buried my face in my hands and cried. I felt everything in her. Siya pa lang yung nagsasalita, nasasaktan na ko, pano pa kaya pag lahat sila? Will I be able to handle it? Will the pain go away if I talk to them or will it just be more unbearable? My only answer to my questions is that face it, because it's all my fault.

"I hate it when girls cry, do you know that? But why am I loving cry when you do it?" He enveloped me in a hug and there I cried in his arms. I remember that statement of his. He said he loves too see my cry because its like a once in a lifetime concert that you should see.

"You know I suck at saying comforting words but...." He paused and stroked my hair. My tears slowed but my pain remains. "Nothing." He's keeping something and I know it's hard to comfort someone who almost killed you and it's harder to comfort your enemy.

I was like a child walking with tears in her face with Sage holding my wrist, leading me towards the parking lot. When we we're settled and seated, I leaned my head against the window, calming myself.

"They're right, aren't they?" I mumbled and lowered my gaze down on my now intertwined hands. At first he hesitated to answer. "I just want the truth. Why is it easy for you to forgive me or maybe spare me?"

"I hate to admit it but they're somehow right, Amilyte." I searched for his eyes and found sincerity and pitifulness. "It's harder to forgive than to move on. You've been a good friend to them, to us. Understand them. Hindi lang ikaw ang nawalan, sila din. Ako man nawalan pero I'm not blaming you to take everything in your load. You have a life, so dont live with guilt." His voice was comforting if we were in different circumstances.

"How? It's like everyday I'm seeing myself in the mirror and there's a placard on my forehead saying that a bitch turned good with no friends left. An angel without a heart and angelic features. Funny, right?" I said trying to blink my tears back. People are like that. Dapat wala kang mali. Kung masama ka, hanggang dulo ng storya, masama ang tingin sayo at pagdududahan lahat ng gagawin mong tama. It's like that for bad people who turned good. People cant accept them fully. They will be judged for eternity. And we, 'the bad guys who turned good', have to accept and live with it.

"Stop thinking about the past--"

"No, thanks to you, I gained friends who can accept me even if I'm bitchy and nobody wants to be friends with me. You changed me once. You made me see the love of the world and the people surrounding me," I stopped to wiped my tears and took a glimpse of him, "But your changes changed everything in me, thanks for making me care and feel. You made me selfless and you made me feel everything life has to offer. And now, you're doing it again." I never intended to sound so bitter or cruel.

"Yes. I am doing it again for your sake. You don't need to pay and sacrifice for the bad things you've done with being good. Its priceless. Ang gusto ko lang, magtira ka ng konti sa sarili mo. Fight, Amilyte. Having a good personality is bad if it's too much. Do you understand? Hindi ka dapat nagdudusa."

"You dont understand! I almost took your life tapos dapat hindi ako nagdudusa? Anong kalokohan yun? This is about life, Sage. If we changed the situation, malalapitan mo pa kaya ang isang tao na halos mabubuting bagay ang ginawa sayo tapos muntik mo pang mapatay?" I almost hadn't heard what I told him because my voice is shaking. I didn't wait for his answer. Bumaba na ko ng kotse at pumasok sa kwarto.

I curled up like a ball in my bed and cried my heart out. Regretting what I did to everybody I love. Now, I know they really hate and disgust me. I cant do the same because I'm wrong, they aren't. Mali yung sinasabi ni Sage na pare pareho kaming may mga mali. Dahil ako lang ang may mali. I moved alone and left everything behind without talking or consulting them kung totoo ba. Nagpaka-bayani ako para sa sarili ko. I left them hanging. I broke their trust at kasabay nun ang pagkasira ng lahat.

Alam kong mali ang ginagawa ko pero tinuloy ko pa din. Bakit ba kasi ang tigas ng ulo ng tao?