words i could never say

the things i wish i had said: 1

i want to start off with a fresh wound.
a wound i can never explain how it got there, but i knew it was intended to make its mark.
not only do I want to put poetry into this, but i want you to feel what thoughts raced into my mind,
which made my heart pound with every ache it received.
i do not want to go back through our texts,
and relive what was really spoken.
so i will replay what i remember.

it's so easy to make a friend that you can't see in person.
it's so easy to have a connection with them too.
a bond so tight your whole mind feels invincible,
as if it can never be affected.

short story: we were friends over the summer, and our friendship had progressed.
it progressed too quickly that I knew I was falling into my own demise.
but i didn't care.
it was in the moment,
and i believed that this could bring happiness.
we liked each other.
or maybe that's what he wanted to say because he was in the moment too.
believe me when i say this,
i am not angry that he told me he liked me.
because at that point,
i did too.
and i understand people just drift apart naturally.
but this was not natural,
he forced my presence to be gone.
and that's why it still hurts.
i never got the closure,
and i know out of everything,
i deserve closure.
right now,
my body is aching from being tired of repeating everything that i've said to myself.
you have no idea how many times i repeated our conversations,
trying to find where i fucked us over,
yet i couldn't find anything.
because you somehow made us seem okay in everything you said.
and i went along with it because i wanted us to be ok.
to be happy.
it was happy in the beginning,
but i think our ambitions came off too strong.
that is, even if you had the ambition to be with me.
that's the thing.
i still don't know if you meant everything,
because i never got the chance to ask you.
I'm too afraid to still ask you.
it's been a year since we've had a full decent conversation.
and one of the reasons why i am afraid to ask is cause i don't know what i did wrong.
and i never,
in anyway,
meant to hurt you.
i always wanted to care for you.
even before we fully became strangers,
i just had the feeling that it was going to end.
it was going to crash and burn so quickly that we probably would never stay as friends.
i left the friends we made together because how much it reminds me of everything.
and you stayed with them the closest.
I'm not angry at that.
i am ok.
i knew i was only someone who could keep you company for so long.
when the doubts came,
i first felt used.
but then,
those sweet amateur words you typed kept me grabbing onto that hope.
the hope that this wouldn't be permanent.
but oh,
was i wrong.
i still don't know why I'm even writing this out.
does anyone care?
it's almost midnight,
and my mind cannot function what i have left to say.
it just feels like im regurgitating the same thing but in a different form.
even if you never read this,
or if you somehow stumble upon it,
you won't know it's me unless i say it is.
the stupidest thing was,
I was hurt before like this,
and I still let it happen again.
I should have known better.
I should have probably not made a mistake,
and if I ever did hurt you,
it never was my intentions.
I cared so much for you,
and I still do as a friend.
after the loneliness you left me in,
I still want to be apart of your life.
I don't ask you to accept that though.
you probably don't even know that I still want to be accepted by you.
I don't even know how you felt about me,
and how we drifted apart.
are you happy?
if I'm honest,
I am now finally happy.
but I am not complete.
I want closure from you,
but I'm afraid to ask for it.
I want to know everything.
I want to know if you did really like me,
or if you said it to be happy,
to have someone that cared for you the way I did.
I want to know everything,
whether it hurts me or you.
I'm finally happy because I have someone who loves and supports me unconditionally.
I have a family,
and I have tremendous friends.
I love having support by them,
but it stings,
just a small fraction,
when I only see you like something I post,
or when you never responded to my questions.
when you did respond,
it was the same pattern of words.
and I think,
I think that's when I knew you were done.
and I wanted to keep going,
but there's so much you can do when the other person lets go of the rope.
you know, I wrote poems for you.
not on here,
but in my notes.
because it's what i always felt after the sequence of events began to unfold.
the first one went like this:

I'm just only acknowledged when no one has anyone to turn to or has no one to listen to.
Things have changed,
but the will of me wanting to talk to you has not.
I may not know how you really feel,
but you've never once asked me how I was feeling.
You were left behind by others,
and I was left behind by you.
You were fighting by yourself,
and I was the one to help care for your wounds.
I wasn't the help that you wanted though.
You wanted to be with your friends,
and I accept your choice.
They're better than me anyways.
They aren't a bother.
They don't struggle to want to continuously talk with you.
I like being with you,
but it feels like you don't feel the same.
Not anymore anyways.
I'll yank myself away from you,
even if it leaves a scar.
I just want you to be happy,
not feel trapped by my presence.

to leave off,
you will always have a place in my heart.
and I hope one day,
I will get the closure I need in order to have some acceptance of the situation.
life is still moving forward,
but I always replay this part of my life.
it's crucial to me,
and you were a great friend.
if anything,
I wish we can talk like we used to.
I do miss you some days,
when the stress gets high,
and the unknown guilt rises from my chest.
I miss not having a friend,
us making minimum talk each 4 months or so is not the way I want to do this.
I hope one day you can forgive me for something I honestly do not know what I did.
and maybe we can be friends again.
but if that's too much,
can I please have closure?