words i could never say

the poems i wrote: 6

continuation
I keep sounding more desperate as the poems go on lol

poem 7:
I am writing this with all my heart.
Loneliness is what I fear the most.
I don't mind if I'm sad for the rest of my days.
If I have people to be with then it makes me clear.
It makes me feel at ease.
I adjust myself with anyone because it just gives me a nice feeling for being wanted by others.
Whether if you're just being generous to me and your kindness doesn't mean anything deep down.
Now I'm starting to think that my care and love for others is a flaw of mine.
Cause it's bringing people I need the most to leave me unexpectedly.
When I'm with others I feel relieved.
I feel like I have a purpose and you truly care for me.
Why can't you just care about me.
I don't even know what I did wrong.
What made you stop caring.
And I know that there are others,
but the ones who have left still ache my body. They still leave a scar.
They are permanently there,
whether if I'm affected by them anymore.
I repeat a cycle.
When I meet someone,
my happiness is completely rushing at them.
It rushes so quickly then at the end it becomes dull.
I become nothing to them suddenly.
That's when they leave without notice.
That's the feeling that fucks me up every fucking second.
It makes my heart ache and my throat swell. The worst is that instead of solving the ones who leave me by myself,
I use others.
I go to others and lean on their shoulder.
I sadly take their happiness and merge it with mine.
I feel like most the people I meet I'm just using for their resources.
Cause I'm so weak I cannot be by myself. Never.
I need someone.
I'm so sorry.
I cannot stop it because I'm just use to the pain that rushes through my body,
but this pain cannot be processed through my mind.
But maybe that's why they leave.
They knew I was using them for support.
They left because they gave me what they could.
And I'm not trying to sound like I don't appreciate them generally.
Chances are that I love them.
They are probably one of the greatest people that were just handed to me.
So,
that's why I don't want them to leave.
I don't want you to leave.
What will make you stay?
If only,
I could turn back time.
If only I could have said the things I needed to. All I have left to say is..I'm sorry.
for everything.