words i could never say

the things i wish i had said: 2.2

it was the Fourth of July,
the day to celebrate our freedom.
the fireworks brushing our eyes with the craziest sense.
the sense of knowing we were our own person,
we had finally gotten independence.
but with you,
that one day,
when i was suppose to feel that noun,
i became dependent.
i only wanted your support.

"you are more beautiful than the colors of all the fireworks."

that's what you said.
and i remembered this exact rush of happiness and warmth,
as if it happened yesterday.
we had talked about ourselves,
we practically knew each of our situations,
and we weren't in the same place.
but yet we were.
im not sure if you remember what you said,
but you never meant it.
you just wanted someone to give you love,
someone who would fill up your ego,
your mind.
and you sucked all i gave you like a leech.
out of everyone's story,
yours hurt the most.
my heart goes insane when i think about these memories,
the things you said to me,
the things you did to me.
when you left me.
being with you was a mystery.
i felt safe,
but at the same time i didn't.
because anything with you was possible.
you were all dolled up,
waiting for me to just take you in.
but behind everything,
you were a virus.
you were a lie.
you were an imposter.
you told me things no one should ever lie about.
you lied about your father being abusive,
and god,
was i so sentimental to that subject.
i won't forget that one phone call.
to this day,
i'm not sure if it was awful reception.
but you never picked up after you said something.

"i don't want to live."

and that broke my heart.
i stayed on that call for hours,
waiting for a response.
i cried after every minute was passing.
and you made me worry.
you drained my heart out.
you wouldn't answer me,
and when you did.
you were angry at me.
I didn't know why,
because I only wanted to help and care.
that's all I ever wanted.
you lied when you said that.
you wanted attention.
and I know you used mental illness for attention.
you used a subject that is so vulnerable,
and so heart wrenching,
just so you can get my attention.
not only that,
but you lied about saying your father was abusive and never supported you.
but looking at you now,
you twisted the truth of everything i knew.
you weren't the person i thought i cared for.
the person i loved.
you turned sweet people's lives,
who deeply loved you,
and dragged them to the bottom.
but me,
always so ignorant,
i never said anything.
because i knew there was a reason behind it.
and the reason was manipulation.
i brushed it aside because i wanted my mind to view it harmless.
but many more came into play.

"your device isn't fully protected."

after the first time you hurt me,
lied to me,
and you said that we were together.
i didn't know what to do when you encountered me the second time.
you said you loved me,
and i wasn't sure if we could ever mend that. and go back to the day when red, white, and blue colors flared up and arranged randomly in the cloudless sky.
i had a choice.
i could either renew and protect myself against you,
or i could close the warning and let you take over once more.
and that's what i did.