words i could never say

the poems i wrote: 10

this is continuation of the past chapters.
i want to show how I was feeling with these messages.
not for sympathy,
but to show how stupid this was.
and how it really hurt me back then.
I don't remember what I wrote, or what they wrote.
so these messages are going to be hard to swallow for me.

Me: No I'm not mad.
I'm hurt.
About the things you said.
I'm not the person to say stuff like this,
and I'm afraid for the worst.
Here it goes...
I'm tired of this.
I don't know what it is, and what I've exactly done wrong to you.
I don't ever feel enough for you, and you've never made me feel enough, either.
All the time I felt like I've let you down,
and that I couldn't help you.
and it let me down to a different level.
I've been there,
And I've always been there.
because I did care for you.
you always made it seem like you go through a lot and i wanted to be there.
but you never let me in.
and no matter what I could do,
I couldn't make you feel better.
and it makes me realize how shitty I am as a person.
how worthless,
stupid,
and useless I am in every single way to you.
I act stupid all the time,
and I believed in every single thing.
I've never been any good to you at all.
if I was,
then I would have been able to help you,
but I couldn't and it hurts.
everything hurts,
but it doesn't seem to bother you.
I've never been able to keep myself at your level.
I've never been able to stay by your side.
it hurt me when you left,
and i took it all on myself.
and I still do.
I've never felt happiness,
until we met because i was in such a dark place.
but I'm starting to realize that it was all fake.
it hurts to think it's true,
but I can't take it when people toy around with me and my emotions.
I'm weak,
and I'm not the person who can take that.
I need someone to be honest,
and tell me if you meant every single thing you've said.
I felt used,
and I felt like i was just wasted.
I took everything I've had and gave it all to you at first.
I never cared for myself because it was all for you.
then when you left,
I didn't give much to you before.
but I really did end up it doing it soon.
because you made me feel happy.
even if you didn't mean those things you've said,
I still believed it all through everything.
I didn't keep my hopes high the second time though,
and I'm glad I didn't do it.
because I would have been filled with misery and loneliness.
but I still feel like that even though I didn't put much expectations in it.
i really wish you'd cared.
i really wish I meant something to you,
but it all turns out that I was just a single nothing to you.
my words didn't matter,
and it felt like yours weren't even true.
I felt like everything I said was taken for granted,
as if you didn't care.
god,
I struggled my way through just to make some effort,
and you didn't even acknowledge it!
I wish you meant the things you said,
or at least never said them so i didn't have to feel this way.
I've never been more betrayed than before in my life.
I don't want to hear things that aren't true.
I want to hear everything that is true.
friend or more,
a friend should never let this happen.
you broke me down,
and I don't take things like this well.
I'm weak,
and it hurts to know you did this to me.
and you don't seem to care.
all the things you said about how you "loved me" or how you "cared" for me.
that felt like nothing but a bunch of lies.
though,
mine were all true,
and I would have risked everything for you.
I would have done anything for you to feel better,
but you wouldn't try to save me.
I can't stand myself.
I'm so gullible,
and I hate myself for that.
when I mean I love you,
I mean it.
I've even said it was more than a friend,
and I meant that,
and you did the same thing.
but that was a lie, I guess.
I can't take myself anymore,
and I can't take the pain of never trusting anyone again because I'm afraid it'll end up to be hopeless.
you never seemed to notice that it hurt,
but now I don't expect you to.
I just needed someone to care for me.
but that was too much to ask for,
wasn't it?
this feeling is burying me down every time, and I can't believe anything or anyone anymore.
I don't expect you to care,
but I can't stand building it up inside anymore.
I had to say something,
or else I'll be even more weak than I told myself I wouldn't be.
never will I let this happen again,
but I know when I'm blindsided it will happen.
but I can't get over it,
and I don't know when,
but I crave the day when I can.
but it's too late now.
I'm afraid to be strong and say something,
and I'm afraid someone will hate me and leave me in the end.
but I can't stand being quiet about it.
I had to say it.
I'm sorry.
I hope you can forgive me for what I write in here.

He said there wasn't a spark anymore,
school took over our lives,
and I was on a trip so we didn't have time to talk.
he said he was out of luck.
he said I can't stop liking others just because you want me to.
but no apology.

My response:
I wasn't upset for you moving on,
because everyone does eventually.
there was nothing wrong with it,
and I don't want you to feel like there was.
I only drifted apart because I was afraid to get attached again and be left alone.
I didn't want to call because I was scared to.
I was afraid of being hurt again.
you should have told me you didn't like me.
you should have told me sooner,
and I wouldn't have bothered you.
I thought you meant those things.
you didn't have to lie just so I could feel better that you liked me like that.
I rather hear the truth,
than waste my time actually loving someone who pretended to love me.
and I wanted to make you feel better,
but now I know why you shut me out now.
and still,
I'm left to blame for.
and I can't believe anyone anymore.
I think it's just lies now.
why didn't you tell me?
It would have hurt less.
I wouldn't have gotten attached,
and I would of just felt..better if you just said so.
why did you have to do that?
I've could of spent my time waiting for someone who shows true affection.
I'm just so tired of it,
and I feel so hurt,
and i don't know what I did wrong.
you don't have to say anything to me anymore,
or even talk to me.
it isn't my choice.
I didn't expect you to answer this anyways.
I just hope that you know that I cared for you
no matter what.
So,
happy New Year.