The Beautiful Broken

#2

#2

That evening , Dr Asfandyar arrived home later than usual. His parents had already learnt of the gun shot case from Gaiti and were waiting up for him worriedly He told them the details and tried to make light of the situation. But this family was no stranger to a situation where a seemingly unrelated case had already cost a son's life and his father asked him to be careful while his mother was sick with worry.

As he tried to force himself to smile and calm them down, Gaiti Bhabhi said. "Isn't this the same girl who Zubiya visits in the village? I have heard Zubi talk of her often and be always concerned for her safety. Her obsession with Khajista reminds me of Daniyal's concern for Noorie. I hope Zubiya is fine.

Usman added: And safe?

Oh Zubiya, don't you see what you did to us ? Don't you see how these three are going to suffer through this pain as well. Outwardly, he smiled and tried to help them feel better. Then excusing himself he walked off to his room with three pair of concerned eyes following him.

As he tiredly collapsed, alone for the first time since the morning, he allowed himself to remember what she had said, how she had stared unmovedly, as if casually discussing the weather, that she did not love him and that there was no future to his love.

He dreamt that he was wandering in a dense grey cloud, his hands desperately trying to find something, someone in the gloom to grasp and pull him out. He woke up with a start, with the name he had made his own since the last few months, on his lips. Zubi, he whispered, startled to find his pillow wet.

Asfi felt irritated with himself and tried to summon the last image he had of her so he could get his feeling of cold searing anger back. Only to find hundreds of other moments flip past his eyes, Zubiya looking at him quizzically as he examined a patient; Zubiya, stealing a glance at him when she thought he wasn't looking; wide-eyed, listening to him scold her, Zubiya's eyes, concerned and insistent that rainy night; her eyes, full of a nameless complaint that afternoon with Faryal; her eyes, sad and scared after the patient's death, asking for comfort and strength; her inability to look away as he sat bandaging her wound that day; her eyes soft with unspoken love the afternoon of Saim's birthday. Oh hundreds of those beautiful moments he had been filing away each day to take out and examine every night. Those eyes were what made him fall in love with her and they spoke to him a lot more than she had ever said in words to him. Those eyes had been his friend for months, as he tried to understand this soft-spoken, quiet and reserved girl because they told him what sometimes she didn't herself know yet. As the image of meeting her at the roadside floated before his eyes and he remembered how defensive and resistant she was and yet when he had made her look at him, he had seen her panic, her sadness and complete longing for him. Don't believe me, her eyes had said, don't let me push you away, don't let me run away.

He sat up with a jerk, because those were the same expressions he had seen yesterday the last time he looked at her. Even while she had said those terribly hurtful words which had burnt down his world, her eyes had been full of understanding, they were saying to him, hush... it will hurt for some time, but I will watch out for you...don't forgive me because I wont forgive myself. They were saying as they had done that afternoon, please don't believe my words, please catch me before I fall into the dark again.

As Asfandyar now thought about the entire incident which he had not cared to think of so far, snippets of things that did not fit with what she had spoken flitted through his mind.. Her discomfort in talking to him, her insistence on standing as if she did not trust she would collapse and her insistence that she had to speak to him then and there, her reluctance to tell him the reason, her categorical denial.. main shaadi karna hi nahi chahti..na aapse, na kisi aur se, na aaj aur na kal. " What was behind this statement? Why ring me up in the dead of the night, sick with worry about me? What had made her strike out like a scared, cornered child? Was it only an intention to hurt? Or was it an intention to make me go away?

He remembered his undergrad lecture on the adrenal system of the human body, that in the face of danger the human mind thinks only of two reactions, fight or flight. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, he considered what this was? It was flight. She was fleeing. From what? What danger?

Asfandyar considered whether she knew he remembered the Rameez incident. He had purposely not brought up the incident yet to her, because he felt kind of ashamed of his harsh words to that young girl. In fact he wished she did not remember it because it did not exactly cover him with glory. He had been wondering if that incident had scarred her for life. But now he understood, she WAS scarred by that incident and maybe something bigger.

And as Dr Asfi, now got up from the bed, he felt his misery falling away, because though he did not know why, yet, he did know that he had been subject to an elaborate charade. His years of study of human behaviour and illness sprang to the fore and he examined the incident and her part in it with a kind of detached intellectual curiosity he reserved for his medical cases. Every effect has a direct plausible cause, even if temporarily hidden. And even if Dr Zubiya thought infatuation and temporary attraction could satisfy him as a cause for her rejection, she had not accounted for the million other effects which all had one cause, that she loved him.

It was almost morning, but now he felt a sense of purpose. He needed to go to her, observe her and find out for himself why she had done what she did. He did not know yet what would happen but he would not let her throw it all away without any reason.

He got up, purposefully got dressed and left a note on the table for his mother, citing a medical emergency.

As he drove in the crisp morning air, a thought flashed through his mind and he spoke it out, "The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference, and by God, you were not indifferent to me yesterday, or ever. You are running away from commitment, in fact even when we were telling each other with unspoken words how we felt, you already were planning this escape. That is why you were quiet whenever I spoke of the future, because there was no future you could see. You had no intention to ever marry me. But in your grand plan you did not consider one factor, that I don't intend to let you put your stupid plan into action because I consider you worth fighting for. So Dr Zubiya Khalil, I will fight for you, even if I have to fight you. The only question now is will you fight for me? For us? Will you consider me worth fighting for?

...To be continued.