The Beautiful Broken

#9

Vignettes 2...continued from before

Later as he slept peacefully, Zubiya watched over him , her head next to him on her palm. She loved watching him. She thought of the early days in the hospital when all she had wanted was to last the entire day without running into him even once. When did it all change? She only knew that however many times she saw him or met him was never enough. As soon as she stepped out of his room, she wanted to go back. All her life she had practiced such a steely resolve to never let her emotions bubble up to the surface, that it took her months before she realised how much and how completely he defined her days. And even when she admitted to herself, she had only tried to stamp it out cruelly. She was so distrustful of happiness. It didn't last. Maybe she didn't deserve happiness. She certainly didn't think she deserved him.

Looking down seriously at him and smoothing away the hair from his forehead, she remembered that day which gave him his recurring nightmare.

She had not expected that the knowledge that finally he remembered her from years ago, would be like a knife stuck in her heart. She had planned everything for this eventuality, but now seeing her old ID card, some dam had burst inside her. All her instincts told her...go away...now...not a moment to lose...she didn't want to lose control ... Not to have to see his accusing eyes...In that blind moment, she felt trapped as she had during the days of her mother's death. Trapped in a bottomless pit with no sunlight, with no one to hear her scream and cry. All she knew was she had to get away. And she had walked out. Without realising that her steps were taking her to the same hill top she had sat with him an aeon away. Once she reached, she had collapsed, crying silently, big sobs. Tears of anger, humiliation and hurt. Self remorse, why did she allow someone to come so close to herself? Then little by little the storm abated and she felt spent. Not that it mattered because it hurt like hell but she knew that she was getting back her self control and composure. At least she wouldn't fall to pieces before anyone. She put her head on her knees and allowed her hair to draw a curtain around herself. In the quiet she heard urgent footsteps nearby and she looked up to see Asfandyar. She instinctively looked for her dupatta to pull it forward to shield herself, but realised she had none. She resolutely looked away towards the river. He came and sat next to her on the grass. She listened to his uneven breathing as if he had been running. When he didn't say anything, she said, without looking at him even once

Z: " Why are you here? I already knew this is what would happen, so I took your decision for you long before. Why do you want to ask me questions. Youlearned about Rameez today but I knew that when this day comes, thIs is what would happen and that is why i knew there was no possibility of a relationship.

A: " You took my decision for me? Why? Who gave you that right? What do you even know about my decision?

Z: " What do you even know about me? My name? My address? My Medical College Certificate? Is that the sum total of a human being? "

A: " I thought I knew whatever mattered to me

Z: " And yet when you came to know the smallest part of the truth about me, it was enough to scare you away, wasn't it?

A: Let me be the judge of my own actions. And dont judge me by actions I havent taken. (brusquely)

Z: (SILENT)

A: So what is this truth you are carrying around like a burden.

Z: (silent feeling her heart squeezed)

A: Zubiya you cannot carry forever whatever hurt or problems you have, like a badge of honor. It is not letting you live, don't you see?

Z: (silent, head on her knees turned away to look at the distance, feeling tears start.)

A: You know Zubiya all of us have our burdens, some light and some heavy. But the heaviest are those which are not shared. You have been strong enough, let it go now. Its time to let it down.

Z: (silent stream of tears slipping out of her eyes, trying to avoid a tempest of tears. Turned away resolutely.)

A: Okay we can sit here the entire night, if you like. I don't mind.

I wanted to tell you a story in any case. There was a man who was angry and bitter with life. He believed life was unfair and that it was a nasty and brutish battle that had to be fought. He was haunted by how he had failed his brother and thought that he deserved no happiness. Into the storm of his life, came a girl, a quiet and calm girl, who was his direct contrast. Whereas he was always acting out against her, she simply absorbed whatever negativity he gave to her, his temper and scolding. He was hard to her, and he pushed her as much as he could to see if she would break. But she never did break; she just remained her calm, steady self and in some strange magical way she became the calm eye of the storm to him. He realised that there are some people who make you feel whole and good just by being around them. He realised that with her, he could relearn to trust the world; and to believe again that the world was not a bad place. When he had her by his side, he wanted to do great things, because she trusted him to; he felt accepted because she was kind without expecting anything in return, he felt the world had possibilities because a girl like you Zubiya, was able to look past my defences and find something good in me to love.

What makes you think I am going to give up on you when you did not give up on me?

A: I don't know what burden you have but I want to share them. And whatever you might say today, at the end of it we will go home. Remember that, nothing has changed from the day we first accepted we loved each other. You can tell me whatever you say, that you never loved me and that it was just an infatuation, I don't care about your words. I care about your actions. We are going to get married and make our lives together; nothing you say is making any change in that. So start accepting that.

Zubiya smiled remembering the great calm that had come over her when he had said those words. As if she had indeed reached home. She leaned forward to kiss him lightly and as he stirred to hold her she finally slept, peacefully, at home.