The Beautiful Broken

Insomnia, Caffein and Some Straight Talk

Insomnia, Caffein and Some Straight Talk

Asfand's story:

Did days and nights still exist? The sun came up and went down faithfully. Were there still distances, some things far away and some closer? Hard to say, when the only thing he could see in clear focus were two large dark eyes, rimmed by dark lashes. Hard to say, when all days and nights collapsed into just those times when she was right there, just there, and then everything else just paled away.

The days after marriage were the sweetest days of his life A thought. Now that she was there in his life, in his home, in his space, he gloried in that he had rights to her which nobody else had. That he belonged to her. But did she? Belong to him solely? Completely? Sometimes he would see her mask of a polite stranger back in place. It wouldn't last because he would gently tease her out of it. One night, he woke up and found her sitting on the cold ground, clutching her knees to herself, staring straight ahead at the wall unblinkingly. When he sat down next to her and spoke her name softly, she turned her head and took a moment to recognize him. Even as he tried to soothe her and clasp her, she held back,. The entire next day she was exceedingly reserved and somewhat distant. He knew it was futile to pry except to make sure she knew he was right there, waiting for her to come back to him.

Zubi's story:

Whenever anyone, Gaiti or Dr Asifa, laughingly asked her since when had she and Asfand been hiding their relationship, Zubi really had no answer. All she knew was that since the day she had come to the hospital, it was just him who filled most of her day and all of her mind. First in her fears of being rejected by him for her professional inadequacy. And then in her certainty of being rejected by him.

She had been so busy trying to harden herself against him that she was shocked that he actually cared about her. Of course, when she told her friends that she herself had come to know a few days back, no one believed her and laughed at her meaningfully. She just smiled along with them, but knew that even now after being married, at times, she couldn't believe that he loved her. He was as confident and spontaneous about letting the world know he loved her, as he had been when he had scolded her repeatedly in the beginning. She wondered if she also made her emotions as clear as he did? Of course, she didn't tell him scores of time a day that she loved him, not in so many words, but she hoped he understood by her actions. That she prioritized him over everything, that she listened to him and tried to anticipate his needs before he said anything, that she was always around him as much as possible. Not a person given to expressing herself emotionally, Zubiya found it very difficult to say anything really romantic. She reasoned that no one could miss noticing, how she came alive in his presence; he just had to walk into a room for her to stop noticing everyone else in the room. She spent days in the hospital, dimly aware of the presence and conversation of others, but completely aware of each word he said or the way he moved, or the way he looked at her. In fact, sometimes, she felt she must look like a lovelorn fool and would try to school herself into her reserved pose. He always knew her subterfuges and would sardonically lift his eyebrow, crashing her carefully built defense, when he found her feigning reserve. Oh yes, he knew her so well. Sometimes, she felt uncomfortable as he seemed to know her even better than she herself did.

Yet there were things that she could not talk to him about, ...her parents and her earlier life. That evening too, after dinner as her mother in law and father in law were discussing something in their loving and easy banter, she had suddenly recalled that in a few hours would be ten years since her mother had passed away.

She had waited for Asfi to sleep and carefully disengaging his arms from around her, had stumbled out to retch, wanting to get rid of the anger and pain lodged like a brick in her stomach. Later she had sat on the cold ground, hoping to cool her thoughts which kept going in circles. For a moment, looking at Asfand's concerned eyes she thought of letting it all out, but no, she could not be treacherous to their memories. When she thought of her parents deeply, she questioned the concept of marriage. It seemed meaningless. No these were not memories she could reveal to anyone.