Fear is Power

6

Just putting it out there guys...? ^^

The next morning
Phoenix's POV

Closing my wooden front door behind me at around 7:15am, I walked to school. I was dressed in black ripped jeans, dark grey converse trainers and a black hoodie.

Hands in my hoodie pockets I walked reluctantly towards the black metal school gates. I shoved my hood on my head avoiding anyone's gaze on me and tried to blend in when I saw Danny run up to me. He was wearing a blue baggy oversized t-shirt and faded loose grey jeans.

He met my eyes and groaned, shaking his head slightly when he saw my fed up expression.
"Don't look at me like that Phoenix." He said, a miserable look creeping it's way onto his face. Despite Danny's usual excitement, even I could tell he was just as annoyed to have to go to school as I was.
"I just wish things could go back to the way they were." I told him.
But let's face it, that's wishful thinking.

I guess I just used to be happier before mother went to the hospital, despite never really having the best experiences when it came to school. I was never really very popular, but I didn't mind. I had a group of around 6 close friends who would usually stick up for me when people threatened me, okay grades, no one really hated me, and life was fine. Now it's the exact opposite. I let what people say get to me. I'm not a child anymore and I can't go to mother and cry in her arms and smile when she tells me everything will be alright. Because it won't. Life isn't a walk in the park. Friends will never last. The sooner people just grow up and realise that happiness is only temporary, the better.

As of today, Danny is really my only friend. He made a promise around two or three years ago to stay with me no matter what, and he has stuck to that promise. No matter how hard life has been recently, he has always been there for me, and for that I am grateful. I trust him with my life and am forever in debt to him as whatever life throws at me, he will always be there to give me advice and guide my through it.

Ever since that horrific day when mother has been in a coma, life has gotten mentally harder. I'm just finding it so much harder to concentrate on schoolwork in general, socialising with anyone and my mental health. They really aren't my priorities. My only priority is making sure mother stays alive. I haven't told Danny about the majority of what I've experienced, but I can tell he's suspicious. He knows that I've been bullied, but I can't tell him about Malcolm, not ever. I could never find it in me to force my problems on him like that, it is all me, nothing to do with him. He probably wouldn't know what to do. And I don't blame him either, he lived in a lush 5 bedroom house with 3 floors since his father and mother were both doctors. His family were happy. Danny simply wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly dumped all my problems and emotions on him. That's why I bottle it up. It saves time and embarrassment.

Once when I was younger, I mentioned to my friend at the time about Malcolm, and how he made me feel. Even though I was young, I still opened up to him, which was hard to do, and he told everyone. I felt so many emotions filling inside me. I'd never felt so ashamed and disappointed with myself for telling him. And so upset that he would tell my secret. That's why I don't trust anyone. He was my closest friend, and he still betrayed me.

We had to move to another part of town, where no one knew about what Malcolm did, hoping that maybe I could have a fresh start, new friends, a new house, a new life. But it's pretty obvious that didn't work out.

I got close to people again, making new friends like before, trusting people like before, and the same thing happened.

Rumours started spreading about me. People would whispering my ear, 'you're disgusting' and, 'stay away from me freak' and push me in the corridor and stuff. Teachers always choose me last for group activities, and I even got an anonymous letter placed in my locker telling me I should slit my wrists and starve myself because everyone wishes I didn't exist. My friends turned against me because they were getting picked on too for being seen near me, so they just simply pushed me away. I stopped paying attention in class, I stopped eating like they said, sometimes I would just not bother to go to school, hoping that if I suffered enough, my pain would eventually fade away.

Then I would go home to Malcolm constantly being horrible to my mother, and her clinging on to his every word. He made me sick. He used her. Made her fall in love with him so she would always forgive him or the horrible things he did to her. She truly believed he loved her and it hurt seeing her get more confused and upset, and I would never do anything. I just sat there. Watching. Not bothering to stand up for her. I was too weak and selfish to do anything. I did it because I didn't want to get hurt either. I let mother suffer like that, and for that I hate myself. It's my fault. If I said something, told someone about what was happening, I could have stopped this, but I didn't. I'm pathetic. I'm a coward, and it's all I'll ever be. That's why deep down, I've always known that I deserve to be alone. I don't really deserve happiness, I don't deserve love. And it's slowly tearing me apart.

I learned never to be dependant on anyone. Never to trust people who don't understand the same things I feel. They just don't get how the simplest action can send the world crashing down.

Anyway, telling Danny might freak him out, or worse, break our friendship. I don't want him to look at me differently. I'm not looking for his sympathy, I just want someone to understand what I'm feeling. Someone like me.

"Phoenix! Phoenix? Are you alright?" someone asked me, their voice laced with worry.

I was suddenly jolted back to reality, when I realised my eyes were wet with tears.

"Are you alright? Seriously, you're starting to scare me. Why can't you tell me what the matter is?" Danny asked again, desperately trying to get information out of me.
"Nothing. Just drop it." I said and strutted angrily past him, hoping he would forget this ever happened.