Fear is Power

11

Phoenix's POV

I felt so guilty, I think I went too far. No matter how much I hated her for leaving me, I still felt drawn to her. I needed to apologise to her for talking to her in that way, but the voice inside me was telling me not to give in. That she deserved it. And anyway, she can move on. I can't.
But the thing was, I couldn't help but notice her face when I told her I didn't want her anymore. She looked heartbroken. I remember that look, it was the same way I looked when she left...maybe she was telling the truth? No. She didn't care. She left me. She knew I'd blame myself but she still did it. But it might have been a mistake? She might regret it?
"No Phoenix NO," I whispered to myself. I need to stop giving myself false hope. She could never want someone like me.
Neither did Danny. All he's done these past few days is hang out with Phil. He hasn't even looked at me. Ever since Phil called him over to his table, Danny has pretended like I didn't exist.
I don't blame him. Even though I tried my hardest to hide him from my past, he still saw the faint scars that hadn't fully healed on my left arm. I haven't cut myself in a few months, but these types of scars take a very long time to heal. And even then my skin might not ever go back to normal. I knew it was hard to be my friend, since I closed myself off from the world, but it was all for a reason. I build barriers around me, to keep others out. But most importantly, to keep myself in.

My depression gave me mood swings. Some days I would wake up and I'm fine, but the next I couldn't get out of bed. Something was blocking me. I just hadn't got the time or the energy for anything. I felt numb, my emotions and feelings seeping out of me and being replaced by dark, thick nothingness.
That's why it's so hard for me to make friends. People couldn't seem to understand why I have a sudden change in my behaviour. They try to reach out to me, but something inside me is stopping them from getting too close to me, knowing that I would have a relapse of when Kiara left.

***

I was sitting in class in last period, and the teacher wasn't here yet. Naturally I was at the back, as to make sure that I didn't draw attention to myself, and people were chatting and meeting up after lunchtime in the cafeteria nearer the front.

Out of nowhere, Phil came up to me from where he was originally sitting near the front with Danny and awkwardly stared at me, making strangling noises as he tried to tell me something.
"Oh hey Phil. You alright?" I asked politely, giving him a forced smile.
"Um...I've kinda wanted to ask this question for a long time, but..." Phil said hesitantly.
What's up with him?
"Uh Phil?" I waited, waving my hand in front of his face, trying to get him to stop spacing out. "Is everything ok?"
He just stared blankly at me again for a few more seconds.
"Oh yeah sorry...I was just wondering why you wear your hood up all the time?"
"Um..."
Okay now it was my turn to space out. That was extremely random. Where did that even come from?Why the sudden interest in me? Have Danny and him been talking about me? A second ago he was telling me to go away because he only wanted to hang out with my friend, and now what? Since when does he even care?

Once I'd finished thinking, from the corner of my eye I saw Danny approach me.
"What are you two talking about?" He asked, clearly bothered about the fact that Phil had come over to talk to me and not him.
"Oh nothing," I said, slightly irritated by his interest in me. He didn't notice I existed until Phil came over here. Slight hurt showed in his face at my bitter tone, but he recovered quickly and brushed it off.
Phil replied slowly once he realised I wasn't going to answer the question. "I was just asking him why he was wearing that massive hoodie all the time that's all, it's not a big deal right?"
This time Danny's frown lasted longer, his confused eyes flicking between staring at me and staring at Phil. He didn't say anything for a while, he just stood there looking kinda awkward. In fact, Danny had asked that question before, but I never had the courage to answer him. Secretly I still think he knew that I wore my hoodie because the long sleeves hid my scars, but he never really knew the right way to bring it up again in conversations. But what can I say? Neither did I.
But that didn't seem to stop him.
"Yeah he's got a point Phoenix. Why do you always wear that hoodie? It doesn't make any sense. It's can be like 35*C, everyone else is in shorts and Summer clothes and yet you refuse to take it off. What's the deal?" Danny asked accusingly, pretending to be completely unaware of everything that our friendship stood for. Or used to stand for anyway. Every time he spoke I was slowly losing my trust in Danny, and I was slowly losing my confidence too. I thought I would always have him to stand up for me, but I guess I just realised that I shouldn't really be taking advantage of him like that. I didn't really know what to say. It took me completely by surprise, and I had no idea what the hell to say to him.
"Well I wear it because..I...um." I started. I felt my ears go red from embarrassment. God I can be such an idiot sometimes. Well to be honest there wasn't really much to say. There was no way I was telling them the real reason, and they've put me in the spot to come up with a believable lie. I just stared down at the floor and hoped they would both just go back to their seats. The teacher would surely be arriving in a few minutes.