WHEN BREATH BECOMES AIR

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK SAYS THAT GODDAMN WALL CLOCK

It had been a really long time, I wish I could just rewind this wheel of time and reverse all this bullshit but I can't, nobody can't.
"Lilli" my mom yelled from the kitchen.
"Did you took your medicine?" My mom asked.
"Shit!!!" I mummered.
I was silent for a second or two but it seemed like ages.
"I will take that as a no" my mom told me as she came into my room with a box full of medicine.
Medicine that had been keeping me alive.
"You need to start taking care of yourself" she said shaking her head as she gave me a glass of water along with a bunch of colorful bitter capsules and medicine.
I gulped them all together as it left it's bitter taste in my mouth.
I hate it.
Why can't I be like I was before.
" I will try to remember them, next time" I assured her and she let out a heavy sigh.
" So how's Theo going?" Mom asked."I don't see him around much"
"He is busy with studies and all that sort of stuff, exams are on the head" I explained her.

" Can you help me ..." I trolled off as I glanced over the wheelchair.
It had been two months three weeks since I came to know I had cancer and now my legs had stopped functioning, leaving me handicapped.
I can't walk, let alone running.
My mom filled my instance gaze on the wheelchair and helped me get onto it.
"Do you want me..." She asked but I cut her off by telling her no.
I know I sound too rude but ever since I lost my capability to walk, I just became a hell lot grumpy and that stuff.
And since exams are on head, Theo can't even lose his precious time but it was me who told him to pay more attention on grades.
He needs to do it.
For us.
His grades were going down.
He needed to do it.
But my heart, it beats like a old pump that pumps blood not passion or emotions.
"thx" I told my mom after I was sitting on the wheelchair.
" can you leave me alone? " I asked and she nodded.
And I was left with me, Garfield and the old clock hung on wall in the room.
The sound of the clock ringed in my ear, my heart beat in the same harmony as the clock but there was a strange ache in my heart.
An ache that represented loneliness.
An ache that told me that I was useless.
Tick,TOCK ,tick,TOCK, tick, TOCK
Says that bloody goddamn clock.
I sighed.
I took out the knife I kept in my drawer and slashed my arm.
"Useless" I said.
Another slash.
"Disappointment" I spoke as my voice trembled and warm salty tears dropped on my fresh scars causing them to burn.
"Ugly" I said and gave my hand another slash.
I finally gave in when the knife dropped from my hand.
I began to cry like a little baby.
All alone, yeah I was all alone.
The girl who was once too strong is now broken down.
My life, its nothing now, I have no aim to live.
I am not breathing in this air but drowning.
It's painful.
I am a burden on everyone.
A burden on this planet.
The world is better off without me.
It hurts.
I closed my eyes as I knew I was fading, the world has forgotten me.
The world has forgotten a legend that died before getting born.
A legend that could set a new record but ended up being handicapped.
Warm tears kept on hitting on my cheeks and my crying became more and more intense with each ticking of the clock.
*
... * *...
Hey guys...
That girl above us me.
Alone
Hopeless
A burden
A disappointment
A mistake
Useless
Every then and now there are fresh scars on my body. Some physical, some mental.
I wish...
I wish I was normal
I wish I was happy...
I wish...
I could be just me
* tears flows down, wetting the dry cheeks, and vision blurs *