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Chapter Sixty Nine - Letter

My dear Sunshine,

This is cliche to say, but I wrote and rewrote this letter at least 9 times already. Nothing feels good enough for you. Nothing I write seems to be apologetic and beautiful enough for you to believe me and for you to trust me.

Everything in this letter is something I tried to say to you in person. But truth is, I'm a coward. I had many chances to say what I had to say but I blew everything because I'm a coward.

First of all, I want you to know that whatever happened with Camila was never my in my intentions. I should've seen it coming, heck, even Michael warned me. But I was stupid and messed everything up. I didn't see her for who she actually was.

Camila was a family friend. I didn't know her that well, but her parents asked me to look after her and show her around as she just moved to LA. We hung out a couple of times as friends, but the media made it out to be something it was not.

I felt that she was getting a bit too friendly for my liking, but I always shut her down politely. I pushed her away when she tried to kiss me once, because I was not interested in her. I never was. I only had eyes for you. And I still do.

Now, going back to the night of your birthday party, I finally have answers to give you. I woke up the day after confused, lost, and feeling very sick. I did not remember what happened the night before. But my heart sunk as Ashley screamed at me for hurting you. And trust me when I tell you that I've never felt so angry and so much hate towards myself.

I never ever wanted to hurt you.

I spent days relentlessly trying to figure out how it all happened, why I didn't remember a thing, and how an earth I would let myself do such a thing.

I would never abandon you, Sunshine. And I would never let myself kiss someone else when the only thing going around in my mind way you.

The boys, after giving me a cold shoulder for days, finally came round and helped me make sense of what had happened. I did receive rather colourful threats before hand though. Those boys love you, Alithea.

Thankfully, Michael and his evil genius mind finally came up with a plan to help my case. I think the screenshots are sufficient enough and do not require any explanation. However, if you do not believe me, you can ask Michael to show you his dm's next time you see him.

Now that all of that is out, I wanted to apologise, Alithea. I would never in a million years think to ever hurt you. And that night at the Vogue party, when I saw you cry- when I made you cry- I knew how much I messed this up. I knew how much I hurt you. I hated myself for ever making you cry. And most importantly, I hated myself for letting you leave.

There are so many things that I would wish to say in this letter, but it would take me at least another week to make it right. However I don't have much time to send this before I lose you forever.

I'm sorry this took so long for me to say. I'm sorry this probably won't be enough. I may be selfish for saying this but I'm sorry for losing you Alithea. I'm so so sorry.

I love you.

Ashton x