Little Marks

21 - V Day

February 14th

~Cameron~

I feel horrible for what I've done to Italy. She's the love of my life, and look what I'm putting her through. I'm so selfish. I've left her all alone to deal with being pregnant because I can't handle the idea of being a father at such a young age. I'm still having problems coming to accept this fact. I'm trying, really trying, but it hurts. I just don't understand why this had to happen now. Why not in three years, when I'm working, we're both older, that kind of thing. I want to support Italy, but I just can't bring myself to say that I'm ready to be a dad. Not yet.

But today is the day I'm most regretting everything. This would be our first Valentine's Day together, instead, I'm locked up in my room trying to avoid everything and everyone. I hated holidays. Especially ones like this. I was the last of my friends to get their marks, and the first year I have them for a holiday like this, we're spending it apart because I hate myself. I hate the choices I've made, and I don't think I'll ever be able to make it up to Italy. She probably hates me right now. She used to try and contact me in any way she could, but she stopped. She doesn't post any sad pictures on Instagram anymore, they're all happy: her and her friends, her with her dads, pictures of the ultrasounds she gets. She's happy. I'm happy that she's happy, but I'm also depressed that she's happy. She can get over the fact that we're apart, but I'm sulking. I can barely bring myself to leave my room anymore. I stopped going to classes, I got fired from my part-time job because I missed too many shifts. I barely eat too. My moms can tell that something's wrong, and they try to help, but it doesn't work. They want me to make up with Italy, but I can't. I'm not ready yet. I can't commit to something I can't be ready for. I'm not ready to be a dad. I'm ready to be happy again, but I'm not ready to change the entirety of my future. I wish I could be the man Italy wants me to be. I wish I could be the guy that she can rely on. But I'm not. I'm so selfish for the way I'm acting. I don't really have a choice about if it happens or not, because it's her body. But I do have a choice in what kind of a person I am.

I'm numb. I feel so numb. Not happy, not sad, mad, anxious, depressed, none of it. Fuck feelings. I'm just numb. I wish I could have some feelings right now. I wish I could just say I felt something, just to know I'm still alive. I wish I could feel the hunger from not eating in two days. I wish I could feel the headache from not sleeping. I wish I could feel the strain my body is in from not drinking water. I wish I could have an emotion, just to know that my existence is validating. Do I even exist anymore? I don't feel like I do. Maybe I'm just a body, no actual being anymore.

~~~

Tears slid down my cheeks slowly as I looked at the photos of Italy and me. Some were caught by accident, some were us laughing, a few of us kissing. There were a few photos of me asleep that must have been taken by her in the middle of the night. The broken pieces in my heart shattered a little more with each swipe to the next photo, my soul being drained a little more every time I saw her smile, or her dimples, or her beautiful green eyes.

I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't be away from the love of my life. I needed to push myself to be okay with this. I had to see her again. It's been two months. I don't know if I can go that much longer without her beautiful self.

I threw my phone across the room, not even caring that it shattered when it collided with the wall. The sound echoed in my ears, but it didn't seem to register in my brain. Nothing seemed to be registering in my brain. It's like my brain has melted. I wish I didn't even have a brain anymore. Maybe I don't have one actually. I wouldn't be surprised. Italy was a lot smarter than me, I wouldn't be surprised if she was the only reason I had even a basic sign of intelligence.

~~~

"Cam Bear?" I heard Momma knock on my door. I made no sound of protest, and she took it as a sign to come in. I heard her sigh as she looked at me in my depressed state. "Honey you need to eat. Do you want me to make you anything?" I shook my head. "Pancakes? I know you love them. I'll make you some funfetti ones." She insists. Momma kissed the top of my head and left my room again, leaving me back alone in my misery. She came back later - ten minutes, twenty? I'm not sure - with a plate of pancakes, the smell heavenly. For the first time in days, my stomach grumbled and my mouth watered. I sat up weakly, feeling how weak my limbs were after days of not being used. Momma propped some pillows behind my back and set the plate on my lap, a stack of 5 funfetti pancakes topped with whipped cream on the plate. She also set a mug down on my nightstand, filled with coffee. Momma sat at the edge of the bed as I began eating, a sad smile on her face.

"I hate seeing you like this Cameron," She starts, shaking her head. I just continue eating, staying silent. "You need to talk to her. She misses you too. She's miserable." Has she been talking to Italy? "Italy wants you back Cameron. Mom went and saw her yesterday, she was crying all day according to her dads. She hasn't been as happy as she seems online. She's pretty depressed without you, love. Both of you are miserable without each other. Just make up, please. We hate seeing you guys in such pain. As parents, it hurts us seeing our children so miserable." I finish the pancakes and she takes the plate from me. I move and lay my head in her lap, something I haven't done since I was a child. Momma just held me as I silently cried, running her hands through my hair. She encouraged me to take a shower - since I haven't taken one in almost a week - which did make me feel better. Maybe I just needed to get up and start moving around. Maybe I just needed to talk to her.

~~~

Teaser: Italy finds out the gender of the baby and the second half of the chapter is really sad sorry