Little Marks

22 - Gender

March 8th

"Happy birthday Cameron, happy birthday to you..." I whimper quietly, looking at a picture of Cam. My eyes watered as I felt waves of sadness run through me. It's been almost three months since I've talked to him. According to his moms, he's more upset than I am about all of this. He didn't get out of bed for over a week.

Today is his birthday. Today is also the day I'm finding out the gender of the baby. I decided on not wanting it to be a surprise. I wanted to know so I could design the nursery the way I wanted.

~~~

"Italy I know you're sad, but you're going to be late to your doctor's appointment." Lianna insisted, helping pull me from the bed. At four and a bit months pregnant, I finally started gaining weight, making it difficult for Lianna. Fiona helped her, and the two of them helped get me into a standing position. Lianna went through my closet and pulled out a black top and a black maxi skirt, ushering me to put them on. I managed to get the clothes on before I had to run to the bathroom and vomit. Fiona followed me and held my hair back, sighing with every heave. Lianna came in a minute later with a bottle, and I thanked her after I rinsed my mouth out.

"Let's just go." I sigh, pulling my hair into a low ponytail. Since the father couldn't be with me to find out, and I wanted it to be a surprise for my dads, my best friends decided to go with me as moral support. I was thankful because I know that I would burst into tears the moment I found out if I was alone.

Lianna drove, I was in the passenger's seat, and Fiona was in the back, in the middle seat so she could still be part of the conversation. My hand rested on my slight bump, thumb stroking it over the fabric gently. This is insane. Today I am finding out if I'm having a little boy or a little girl. I have a boy's name picked out, but not a girl's name yet. I'm also considering gender-neutral names because gender neutral is the future. Or at least, in my eyes.

The girls walk into the building behind me, not knowing where they're heading. I led them to the office and made my way to the front desk. "Checking in for Lester?"

~~~

"Are you ready to find out the gender of your baby, Italy?" I nod nervously and look to my two best friends, who had huge smiles on their faces. "It's, a... " I whine in nervousness. "Girl!" I shriek excitedly, the sad mood lifting for a moment of pure bliss. I'm having a baby girl! "Congratulations Italy."

"I'm so happy for you Ita. I'm happy to be a godmother."

"Me too."

~~~

The excitement of finding out my baby's gender was long gone. The girls went back home after dropping me off at my house. I just wish that Cameron could have been there with me to find out. I wonder if he would have been happy to find out that we were having a girl. Would he be upset? Would he rather have a boy or a girl? I hope he will be happy no matter the gender of the baby. I've already lost him once because of this baby, I don't think I could lose him again. Would he leave me over something so trivial as the baby's gender? I doubt it. But I know he could totally be unhappy if he was hoping for a boy and found out we're having a girl.

I got into the shower slowly, letting my clothes hit the floor one by one. Whenever I'm upset, I tend to shower. It clears my mind. I can cry without my dads hearing, I can just sulk in silence, I can turn the heat up as high as I can tolerate and it will 'burn' away my problems. According to Papa, Dad did the same thing. Papa says that Dad used to self-harm a lot and he used the hot shower idea instead of hurting himself.

At least I haven't harmed myself like that yet. While the thought has definitely crossed my mind before, I didn't really want a permanent mark like that on my arms. Though, I was definitely considering other options like that.

My gaze flitted down to my razor, depression seeping through my body at that moment. One little thing wouldn't hurt, would it? I've just had so much pent up emotions and I can't figure out how to release them. I picked it up and spun it gently in my hands, considering what to do. I definitely couldn't do it on my arms. Dad and Papa would see, and they would definitely get mad at me. I couldn't do this anywhere they could see. I looked at my hips, marked with stretch marks from my little girl. My fingertips touched them gently, feeling the gentle bumps they caused.

***trigger warning for 1 paragraph***

Something in my mind flicked. I don't know what, but it did. I took the razor and put it against my skin, taking a deep breath. I slid it along my skin, feeling an immediate rush of pain as my skin sliced open. I set the razor down after rinsing it off and stood sideways to let the blood wash away from my hip. I regretted it a little. But not enough like I probably should. I quickly got out of the shower and held a towel to the cut until it dried. I just hope Cameron doesn't see what I've done. I hope he doesn't. I cried silently, not wanting to alert my dads that something was wrong with me.

***trigger warning over***

I laid in bed for a while, just wishing sleep would overcome and let me find a moment of peace and bliss. Today has been such a hectic day for me emotionally, and it was hurting my soul. I just wish Cameron was with me. If he was with me, I would be a lot happier.

I know it's stupid to think that a boy could solve all of my problems, but it truly feels like it. I wouldn't be so depressed if Cameron didn't leave me. I wouldn't have harmed myself. He would be cuddling me, gently rubbing my stomach and kissing my back. He would go get anything I asked from cravings, and hold my hair back anytime I got morning sickness. If he didn't leave me, my baby would have two loving parents, not just one.

I know Cameron will never truly love this baby as much as I will. He didn't even want her in the first place. The only reason she is going to survive is because this might be our only chance to have a baby at all.

~~~

Teaser: Forgive <3