no name girlxgirl (COMPLETED)

A Letter To Tara Cooper

Dear Tara,

How are you? I hope you're doing good. I'd hate to think if you're on a mission in destructing yourself more than you already have the past year that I've known you. First of all, I would like to apologise to you because I left without properly saying goodbye. I didn't have the guts. I know that if I said it to your face, I would chicken out and never leave your side. And I know you would have managed to talk me out of it. But I can't. I have to go. I can't stay. I don't belong there. You know I always stick out like a sore thumb there 

I'm writing to you because I know we both need a closure. Maybe, that's just me. But I just wanted to thank you for the great summer that we had. I had never felt happier. I was so in love-still am. And even after summer ended, there were times I felt happy being by your side. I don't know if I've ever told you this but you're my first love. Loving you scares the shit out of me. Only because you had so much power over me. And I know you know it too. Everything you say goes. Not because you were Tara Cooper. It was because when you love someone, you have a hard time saying no to them no matter how bad or hard the request is. I hope you know that my love for you wasn't the same as other people's adoration towards you. That's why leaving you was so hard. I knew it had to be spontaneous. If I ever planned on it, it would have fallen apart. Either I would have given away too much till you found out or I would have cancelled it. 

That morning, probably the last morning we'll ever spend in each other's arms, was such a heartbreak. I don't know about you but getting out from your arms was the hardest thing I've ever done in a long time. I wanted to give you a kiss goodbye but I couldn't. I knew that if I kissed you, I wouldn't want to let go. You looked so peaceful in your sleep that I was afraid you have died on me. But seeing you still breathing made me feel relieved. And in that sleep, you called out my name. I don't know what you were dreaming or what you tried to say to me, but hearing you call out my name made it harder for me to take the next few steps. But for a while, I stopped because it reminded me of the same beautiful girl I knew back in the summer. I missed her. I really missed her. When school started, I almost never saw her again. Few times, you'd slip off your mask and I'd see her and that's what made me hold on to you until then. Until now. I love you. I really love you. There's a saying that goes that if you truly love a person, no matter how horrible their demons are, you'd still love them endlessly. Perhaps I wasn't strong enough to stay. Some people think I was dumb enough to try to bring that incredible and careless girl back from summer. But I had to try. And I know it hasn't really been a year and I've already given up on you. But I can't. The more lost you were, the more I lost myself. I'm drowning. I would wake up one day not knowing who I really am or the purpose I am here. And that kills me inside. I love you Tara Cooper, not because of your outer beauty, but because I love the feelings I get whenever I made you smile. Because I think you deserve to smile a genuine smile every single day. Because I believe you deserve so much out of life. That's how much I love you. I don't love you because you're the most popular girl in school. Heck, I didn't even know how popular or realise how 'hot' you are until school began. And when I met you in the summer, you were nothing like the Tara Cooper at school. You were different. You were just a girl I bumped into at lake; a girl with the most adorable hiccups, the girl who loved to smile and laugh. That's the person I fell in love with.

And even when school began and when you were cruel towards me, I love you still. Sure, inside I was hurting inside. I was almost always angry. But whenever you looked at my way and smiled, all those angers just disappeared. Even I don't understand how and why. Maybe it's because I love you. I resented every moment that passed when you made me your sex toy. But I was grateful because I somehow fell more for your flaws. I saw the side of you that you try so hard to hide from everyone. I saw your cracks; the ones you didn't intend to show to me. And at that moment I love you still.

But, enough is enough. I can't take it any longer. The bullying got to me. On days when I would run from you are the days that I get beaten up. Verbal attack wasn't enough. They had to assault me physically. There was even one time that I almost got raped. I can't stand it. I will not have it. Like you, I know I deserve much more than that. I know I deserver to be at school and feel safe. But I didn't. I felt scared almost everytime I stepped on the school ground. I don't mind the whispers and the looks. But I'm used to being their punch bag that I almost believed I deserved all those torture. I was losing myself. I want to feel safe. I want to be comfortable going to classes without worrying who will attack me. That is what life is like with you. And as much as I love you, I can't get through it. Everything was just too much. I wasn't just afraid of the bullies. I was also afraid of you. Afraid that you would hate me when I mess things up. Afraid that you would no longer look my way. One day, I realised that I shouldn't have felt scared. When you love someone, you would do everything to make them safe, right? But why didn't I feel that way with you? So I knew. I knew that you didn't love me the way I loved you. I knew that you didn't care for me. But that's alright. I guess I was just like everyone else who foolishly thought that Tara Cooper would care about me. I was stupid. I was naive. 

Until this day, I still love you. They say you'll never forget your first love. And I will remember you. I will remember those beautiful days we spent together during summer and I will remember to love myself the next time I fall in love. That's why I'm doing this. I need to search myself. I need to re-love myself. I didn't want to end up scarring my wrists. I have my family to think about. 

I'm sorry that I believed that just for a second, you might have loved me back. I'm sorry I expected too much out of you. I'm sorry I was always in your way. I'm sorry I was stupidly head over heels for you. I'm sorry I was always such an embarrassment to you. I'm sorry you always had to protect me from Michael eventhough you hated doing that. I'm sorry but I'm saying goodbye. This might be easy for you but I need you to forget about me. Forget I ever existed. Please. If we ever meet one day, you could either pretend you don't know me. If that's too much to ask, then please say hi to me like we were two strangers who only met during last summer. Please don't go around telling people that we had a history. Please don't tell people the stupid things I've done to stay at your side. Please don't tell them I was your sex toy. Please don't tell them how broken I am. I need a fresh start. I'm not coming back. Remember you said you'll give me one wish? This is it. 

But before I end this long-winded letter, 

I hope you'd start to take better care of yourself. Your mom loves you. She misses her daughter. I hope you would at least make ammends with her. You don't know how many nights I stumbled upon her crying on the kitchen floor, worrying about you, blaming herself for how you turned out. In the end, I couldn't keep the promise I made her- to always look after you. She's not gonna be there forever. Please, talk to her. She loves you more than you know. 

I love you but I have to move on. Goodbye, Tara. I love you so much.

                                                                                                                            Yours truly,

                                                                                                                                Ivy

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