no name girlxgirl (COMPLETED)

my deepest fear

        Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

"What is it that you're really scared of?" she grabbed my wrist, stopping me in my tracks.

            I've never admitted to anyone even my therapist of my true fear. The bullies? They don't really scare me anymore except for Michael's violent friends. Tara? Yes. She's my biggest fear. I fear she would make me fall for her more. I fear the power she has over me. I fear if she would control me again to be at her side, abiding to her every order. I fear of my own weakness to be swept away by Tara's manipulating and conniving words and behaviour. How do you think I lasted for almost 365 days with her? She has her good moments where she could make anyone believe she cares about us. That's one of her talents. That's how she's got the whole school wrapped up around her fingers. Just with one smile, she could rule us. And I'm not exaggerating.

From a third person point of view, you would always wonder why victims of domestic violence stay with the abuser? I'll tell you why. There are a few known reasons. First is because of love. The victims' love is so great that they are really forgiving. They forgive their abuser everytime they get hit. They forgive their abuser in an overnight. And with that love, they believe that when you love someone, you accept them as a whole being; the good and bad. So they accept the abusers nonetheless even when the abusers put them in a hospital bed more than three times a year. The second reason is because they always, always believe that the abusers will change. Why? Because abusers tend to apologise the very next day and say that they don't mean to hit the victims, that it was the loss of temper or any other reasons. And the victims believe. Especially when the abusers say they will change. The sad thing is, sometimes, the victims believe they are the cause for the abusers' abusive behaviour. That they made the abusers mad. That they weren't perfect or good enough for the abusers. That they were the ones who screwed up.

            Once upon a time, I was one of those victims. And that was how I used to think. Tara didn't abuse me physically. She would never lay a hand on me. But she did abuse me emotionally and mentally. To me, that is the worst kind of abuse because you can never see it with naked eyes. No logical explanation could knock some sense into my head of how terrible she treated me. Sure, there were times when she somehow appeared loving towards me and looked as if she cared about me even in the slightest, but what about the rest of the days where she made me feel like crap? Where she announced to the whole school that I was not worth any attention? Where she said painful words that inflict a deep injury on my self-esteem and soul? What about those times? I started to realise I deserve better when there's a small wish and hope inside myself that I want better. This is my biggest fear. I do not want to be a victim again. I do not want to be sucked into that black hole again. I fear if I see her again or listen to anything she has to say, I would be crawling back to her like a lost puppy.

"I don't want to go back to being the weak old Ivy," I admitted to Maya.

            Her gaze that was serious earlier now turns soft and gentle as she reaches for my hand.

"Are you kidding me?" she chuckled.

"What?"

"Ivy, in these past four months, you've changed so much. So much. When I met you, you looked like a fine piece of vase that needed protection or else you'll break. And now look at you. You're going out of your way to help people with enactus. You talk more to people; either trying to get them into your club or talking to the refugees or even responding to flirts like Chloe," the last bit made her roll her eyes.