I Love Him // Instagram Joe Weller

112.

I sighed and put my head in my hands, my phone beside me constantly buzzing. I know I told Joe to message me but that was to tell him to stop, he's actually so confusing.

He tells me he loves me and that I'm the only person he'd ever want to be with, which is obviously complete bullshit because he slept with another girl.

Ive been cheated on so many times before by exes and once I found out, I never contacted them again. All my love for them vanished and it turned to hatred. But I physically can't hate Joe. Believe this past week I've tried, I keep telling myself he cheated on me and I can never trust a cheater. But things just aren't the same without Joe. Although he hurt me, he's the one that makes me happy. He brings me life.

Don't get me wrong I love all my friends and family, but even sometimes they hurt me or don't support the things I choose to do. But Joe did, he still does. He was there for me at times nobody else was. He was my rock. And I can't just forget that. I won't just forget that.

I want to hate him so bad, yell at him for hurting me. But I just can't. All I want to do is go see him and hug him. I want to hug him and let him tell me how sorry he is and how much he loves me, even if it's a lie. Because that's all that is going to keep me going. I've been really down this week without him but I've been pretending I'm fine in front of everyone else because I hate sympathy.

I grab my phone and press the home button to see all the messages from Joe. I unlock my phone and open the messages app and click Joe's name. I flick through all the shit he sent me and the most recent one appears last from two minutes ago.

Joe
Maddie, I love you so much please call me or message me so we can talk

Joe
Maddie please come on I need you

Joe
I fucked up, I fucked up bad. I know that and I'd do anything to take it back but I know I can't. I can't do anything now it's up to you

Joe
I know you probably hate me but please don't give up on me I need you so much

Joe
I'm sorry, if you want me to leave you alone that's fine but I want to hear you say so

Joe
You're my everything please, I can't do this without you

My eyes watered as I read them. My heart sped up a little when I read the last one because I knew what he was talking about. Around one month ago, Joe's depression crept up on him really bad and hit him hard and he was struggling. I came back from LA early to be with him and support him. He said I helped him through it and that he needed me and I needed him too.

I sighed once again and clicked off the messages. I wasn't going to call him, I needed to see him. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I should fix up a little as I looked awful. My face was red and all dry since I cried a lot and the tears had dried onto my face, my hair was knotty and greasy which was not a nice sight. I walked over to my bathroom and took a shower.

Once I got out, I dried and straightened my hair and put on some makeup, which was probably a bad idea since I'd most likely cry my eyes out and become a bigger mess than I already am. I finished my hair and makeup and walked back into my bedroom to find an outfit.

I just grabbed a black cropped vest top, black fishnets and blue ripped jeans. I put on a red, navy blue and white adidas shell jacket too. I picked up my phone and car keys and headed to my front door. I picked up white air max on the way and left my apartment. (Media)

I walked into the car park and spotted my car in the corner. I haven't drive my car in a little over two weeks. I unlocked it and hopped in, cranking the engine. I drove out of the car park and turned on to the main road heading towards Brighton.

*Time skip to Joe's*

I parked my car a little ahead of Joe's house. I stepped out my car and locked it. I turned around but hesitated to continue. I was very nervous for some reason, surely it should be Joe who's nervous as he was one who did bad but here I am having a tiny panic attack. What if things do go wrong? What if I can't find it in me to forgive him even if I want to? I don't think I see a good future without him but I just don't know.

I realised how stupid I was being after a while and continued moving myself to Joe's. Once I reached his front yard I was nervous again. After a minute or so I built up the courage to knock on the door. I knocked twice and stepped back a little.

No one answered the door for a while but his car was here and the lights were on so I knew he was in there. Just as I was about to knock again, Joe opened the door slightly. Hate to say it, but he looked awful. He had a vest and shorts on and he looked pale. Which was very odd since Joe is quite naturally tanned. His face was all red and you could tell he'd been crying. His hair was flat and he looked very tired.

Once Joe saw me, his eyes widened in surprise and he opened the door wider for me to enter. I smile at him lightly and walk into his home.

"Hey" I say quietly as I take my shoes off. Joe's head shoots up and a small smile itches its way to his face from the sound of my voice.

"Hey Maddie, I wish you would of told me you were coming" he said back, his voice croaking slightly.

"And why's that" I ask, laughing lightly. He smiles and then looks down at the floor.

"God I've missed your laugh, and because I look a mess and the house isn't exactly the cleanest" he tells me, slightly embarrassed.

I look around and the house isn't that bad at all really. There's just a little mess in the living room. But then I look towards the kitchen, there was glass and things scattered all over the floor which indicates Joe smahsed a lot of things. I sighed and looked over at him, he looked really upset.

"Come here you big goof" I said smiling at him, Joe's head shot up and looks at my arms which were wide open for a hug. He smiled and wrapped his arms around me tightly. We stayed in this position for a while before I pulled away and looked at him.

"Go get yourself cleaned up, take a shower or what not and I'll clean up down here, then we can talk properly okay?" I told him and walked into the living room to begin cleaning. He laughed lightly and nodded

"Okay, oh and Maddie" he said staring at me. I looked up and waited for him to tell me what he wanted to.

"Yeah?"

"I love you" he told me, leaning on the banister. I shook my head and grabbed some more things from the living room.

"I love you too dickhead, now go shower you stink" we both laugh and he heads upstairs to shower. I sit down on the sofa and sigh. I've done that a lot today. Oh what this boy does to me.