The River Speaks

Chapter Forty Nine: Talking

I posted a picture of Ruby on the side because I realized you guys have never seen her

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Chapter Forty Nine: Talking

I wanted to hide in the woods but I can't, so I turned around and got back to the barn just before it got dark. All the animals are put up and I cried so much that my eyes hurt.
Nothing has ever hurt this bad and I want to tell him I want the ring back, but I can't. We can't get married. It's too hard. It's too complicated.
I know he's still here. I know everyone is still here. All the lights are on in the house.
I need to go inside. I need to just go inside and lock myself in my room until he leaves.
May is my favorite sister. She's my most loyal sister.
She can slip me crackers under the door so I don't have to come out. She can put water in a ziplock bag and slip it under the door.
I remove Ruby's saddle and lock her up, and then I wrap my arms around myself and force myself to go up to the house.
Everyone is just kind of quiet when I walk in.
They're all here. Aiden is staring at the engagement ring and nobody is saying anything.
Run.
There's a beat where we both look at each other and our eyes lock.
Run. Now. Run for it.
I bolt for the stairs, but Aiden has longer legs and in seconds he's blocking the staircase with his body.
"Please move." I say.
"No."
"Aiden, please." I whisper.
"I'm not moving." He says.
"Aiden, I can't." I whisper. "It's too hard. It's too messed up."
He holds up the engagement ring.
"Put it back on."
"Aiden, no!" I say. I slip under his arm and start up the stairs, but halfway there, his voice stops me.
"I fucked up." He says. His voice is shaking and I think he's about to cry, and just that makes me stop cold. I saw a few tears the other day, but I've never seen him fully cry. I look down and my eyes fill up with tears. "Okay? There's some stuff you don't want to hear, but you have to. I always fuck up. I'm just that person. I grew up in a townhouse in the ghetto in Philadelphia. I used to rob people and sell their things for money. I got arrested because my Mom called the cops on me. I used to do drugs like a kid eats candy. I fuck up, it's my thing. I always blamed it on being young, but I was old enough to know what I was doing. I'm a mess, okay? I'm human. I cry a lot more than most people realize. My relationship with my father is non-existent and nobody trusts me. I never talk to my sister and I don't even know my brother-in-laws last name. My family lives in a different state and I never see them, but I bitch about not having a relationship with them. Everyone knows it's my own fault for not trying. Sometimes I question God because how the hell does everything happen to me? There's no fixing me. I'm fucked up. I get jealous of anybody that even looks at you, even though I know you'll always stay faithful. I go crazy. All the time. I went batshit when I saw your truck pass the other day and I almost got myself murdered because of it. I'm insane, alright? That's just who I am. I'm a mess. The questions is, are you capable of loving me despite all of that? Do you want to fight this out, or do you want to run? Dammit Lilliana, I know I don't deserve you. My parents got divorced when I was a kid because of me. I hardly know what love is, the only thing I've ever been absolutely certain about is that I love you and I want to marry you. Please, I love you so much. I'm begging you, find it somewhere in your amazing self to love me, to accept the fucked up parts of me, and put the ring back on."
I wipe my eyes and turn around, stomping back down the stairs. I stop right in front of him.
"What about next time something happens? And the time after that? And the time after that? You can't just take off when you're frustrated, okay? Marriage means a team. How do I know you're not going to take off?"
"You don't." He says. "And I wish I could promise you that I won't, but I can't. The only thing I can promise you that I will throw everything I have into trying my best."
He's still holding up the engagement ring for me to take back.
He's proven he's loyal and willing to try.
If I had a skittish horse, I wouldn't give up until it would let me ride it.
I shut my eyes for a moment and pluck the ring out of his fingers.
"It starts here." I say seriously. "You and I are going upstairs and you're going to sit down and you're going to talk to me until you lose your voice. If you can't do that, there's no hope for us."
"Consider my voice gone." He says.
He goes upstairs and I clutch the ring in my fist, walking into the kitchen.
"Lily." Mama breaks the silence. "Go easy on him."
I sigh quietly and turn to her.
"You just yelled at him for running. Broke his heart again."
"Mama," I start.
She puts up her hand. "I know you did it because you felt you had to." She says. "But you're not the only one that's spend the last several hours crying."
How did she even know I was crying?
"How did you-"
"I can tell." She says.
I grab a few snacks from the cabinet.
"Also," she walks over to me. "You were right. Marriage is about communicating. It means you're a team." She grasps my shoulders. "You need to remember next time you two get into a fight that it's you two, as a team, against the problem, not you against him."
"Okay." I whisper. I lower my voice. "He was crying?" I ask quietly enough for nobody else to hear.
She nods. "He hid in your bedroom until he saw you come in, and then he came downstairs."
I don't respond, I just grab two gatorades from the fridge and go upstairs.
When I reach my bedroom, he's pacing.
"You don't have the ring on." He says.
I set the drinks and snacks on my desk and shut the door, sliding the ring on my left hand.
"There." I say.
We're both quiet for a beat.
"I'm sorry." He says finally. "I don't know why I took off. I wish I had a better reason.
I hand him a purple Gatorade. My bags were brought up to my room, so I remove my jeans and pull on sweatpants, and then I remove my t-shirt and bra and pull on another one. I let my hair out of it's ponytail and run my fingers through it, and then I turn to him.
"I hate the feeling." I say.
"What feeling?"
"The feeling of not knowing where you are. It's this gut-wrenching terror and every time, I go insane. Last time I trashed my apartment, and this time I-I was a mess, Aiden. I broke off the engagement. I can't do it again. I'm not kidding."
"You won't." He says.
I open up a bag of chips and unscrew my Gatorade, climbing into bed. I lean against the wall and he sits next to me.
"You were mad at me because I told you to think about it before we just upped and left everything."
"I want to move here." He says. "I don't see why you don't."
"Aiden, God knows that I would rather be here than anywhere. I want you to think about it for you."
"I have thought about it." He says.
"Next Friday." I reply. "If you still want to then, we will."
"Okay." He says.
I pause.
"In the barn you told me you don't have to tell me everything." I whisper. "And the last thing I want you to feel is like I'm controlling you."
"You're not controlling me." He says. "I was just mad that you brought my Dad here."
"I'm not going to apologize for that." I say. "He was worried about you, Aiden. And we had to call him to make sure you weren't with him."
"I know. You don't have to apologize."
We fall into a silence, and Mama's words ring through my brain.
"You need to remember next time you two get into a fight that it's you two, as a team, against the problem, not you against him."
I sigh slowly and gently reach up, putting my hand on his cheek to get him to look at me. His eyes are glossy and they're bloodshot. He looks exhausted and his nose is pink, probably from crying.
"I handled the situation wrong. I should've never given you the ring back. I'm sorry."
At that, he looks away from me, turning his head as far away from me as possible, so much that he's craning his neck.
"I forgive you." He whispers, and his voice is shaking.
I reach out and guide his face back towards me, and when our eyes lock, my heart shatters because he has fat hot tears rolling down his cheeks.
"It's been a really long few days." He whispers.
I climb on his lap and pull his head onto my shoulder. My left arm wraps around his shoulders and my right hand runs through his hair.
He takes a few deep breaths, and then his body shakes with silent sobs. I start crying too, my tears dripping onto the back of his neck.
"Why are you crying?" He hiccups into my shoulder.
"I'm crying because you're crying." I mumble.
"I can't stop crying." He sniffles.
"Well neither can I." I reply shakily.