Everything Wrong With: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles

Chapter 1

EVERYTHING WRONG WITH: HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF PRAYER AND MIRACLES

IN 14 PARTS

SPOILERS!

(DUH)

THIS IS NOT MY BOOK! I AM JUST COPYING AND PASTING IT FROM FANFICTION.NET. Also, anything in bold is not from the original book, they're just my annotations.

Hoo boy, dis gonna be good! *Ding!*

Author's Note: Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into witches! So I thought..... why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado-

Using semicolons three times in as many sentences; I myself happen to love the semicolon, but you should always know your limits! *Ding!*

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed. (Take a shot every time she incorrectly uses a semicolon)

All the character development leading up to Harry getting the letter the letter is replaced with this half a paragraph, which makes the reveal much less satisfying. *Ding!*

Also, they left out the prologue entirely. Are flying motorbikes a satanic symbol or something? *Ding!*

"Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven. (Vernon doing housework?!?)

Are you trying to improve the reading experience with your own snarky comments? HEY, THAT'S MY JOB. I deserve royalties! *Ding!*

And yes, Bold Text Commenter, it is not by accident that Vernon is shown doing housework in this scene, or the fact that Petunia is has a job and doesn't wear makeup. They're defying traditional gender roles. But they're also the f*cking Dursleys. They're not meant to be likeable characters, which means the author is clearly trying to establish these as unlikeable traits. And that right there's a sin. *Ding!*

Oh, and I just thought how ironic it is that a Christian book would commit so many sins in the first few paragraphs. *Ding!*

Shouldn't you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away.