Disclaimer; I do not mean any offense to anyone of any religion by the comments I make. They're purely for fun, and I don't mean any harm by them
The fact that Bold Text Commenter had to disclaim this, shows just how much this story portrays Christianity in a terrible light. *Ding!*
"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically; and got to his feet. "This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"
The Reverend beamed. "Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome.
No, NOOOO!!! American accents in Hogwarts?! Bad author! Bad! Harry Potter is a BRITISH story, and THIS is appropriating British culture. I'm sorry but if you do this then you may as well be spitting in Shakespeare's face. *Ding!*
He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God.
Why? WHYYY does Harry know this? Two chapters ago, he didn't even know about Christianity. Do not try and explain this away as 'the wisdom of little ones'. *Ding!*
"This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day. His aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package. Like the big house, the fancy career, the speedy car."
Are you reading this carefully, kids? This is how a kidnapper justifies his actions. There is no way he could have known these things about Petunia just by looking at her. This is a kidnapping, plain and simple. *Ding!*
Hagrid nodded wisely.
Using adverbs gratuitously. *Ding!*
"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly; and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!"
Donald, do you have anything to say about the size of Dumbledore's hands. Huh Donald? Do ya?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING UP THE F*CKIN HANDS, STORYSINS? THAT WAS ONE THING I SAID ONE TIME, OKAY?? AS SUCH I AM NOW AWARDING FIFTY SIN POINTS TO THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA FOR PORTRAYING A GAY WIZARD'S HANDS AS BEING SLIGHTLY LARGER THAN MY OWN. AS ANY WOMAN CAN TELL YOU, MY HANDS MUCH BIGGER THAN HIS ONES. AND I MEAN NO OFFENCE TO THE GAYS WITH THAT REMARK. I HAVE THE GREATEST RELATIONSHIP WITH THE GAYS, BELIEVE ME. NO OTHER PRESIDENT HAS DONE MORE THAN I HAVE FOR GAY RIGHTS THAN I HAVE DONE. IN FACT--
Okay Donald, you've said enough. *FIFTY Dings!*
Hagrid smiled knowingly. "God is an amazing guy."
"He sure is," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes, and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."
This is bullsh*t. *Ding!*
"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly. "Dinnertime!" (Come get y'all juice)
Immediately, and with cheerful obedience, an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs. She ran over to her father; and gave him the winning smile that daughters have.
"Welcome home, daddy!" She smiled, and then turned to his wife. "Can I help at all with dinner, mommy?"
Why does Hermione need to be the headmaster's daughter? It's like the author hasn't even watched the movies. *Ding!*
"Hermione, I would like you to meet Harry Potter, our newest student at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," Dumbledore introduced magnanimously. "Harry, I would like you to meet Hermione Granger, my beloved daughter."
"Pleased to meet you," Hermione responded sweetly, with an shy grin.
Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City. This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness.
Harry speaks like a 4-year-old, but he thinks like a very narrow-minded (and misogynistic) adult. Make up your mind, author! *Ding!*
As the holy men, women, and little ones dug into the delicious manna the Lord had granted them; the conversation amongst the adults turned to darker topics. Harry listened intently; and he did not understand it; but he was very interested.
"Dark days are coming,"
That's racist. *Ding!*
Hagrid pronounced gravely around a mouthful of casserole. "Evil forces are coming into this world; and the little ones at Hogwarts may be our last resort!"
And I'm guessing this darkness has something to do with atheism...? *Ding!*
"Psalm 127:5," Dumbledore referenced solemnly, and the others around the table nodded knowingly. Hogwarts might be the last hope for the forces of good in this world!
Christianity is not some dying religion! It has, like 2 billion members. Calling yourself "the last hope for the forces of good in the world" means you're probably one of those churches that hates all other Christians for not being racist enough. *Ding!*
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Everything Wrong With: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles
RandomI've had several requests to sin this monstrosity of a book. Considered by many to be the polar opposite of legendary trollfic My Immortal, only this one is (supposedly) written by a Christian mother in an attempt to sanitize the Potterverse for her...
