Many thanks to those lovely friends who have asked about the little ones. It looks like the second sickie did not have pneumonia after all; and it was just the flu. It was a rough few days; but now all the little Parsonses are in tip-top shape. Phew!
I couldn't care less about this author's kids, because I'm not convinced they exist. *Ding!*
"So," Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. "What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?"
"Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin," Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. "My whole family is Slytherins." He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. "You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!"
Ron in canon is Gryffindor AF. Changing such an important character trait is one thing, but changing his entire family is another. This is beyond out-of-character for the Weasleys. Aside from the red hair, and having the same name, they are completely different characters, in a bad way. *Ding!*
"But wait-that is not all!" Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do."
Is this book of guidelines supposed to be a Catechism? That would mean the Slytherin Hats are also Catholics? Why would you insult Catholics by comparing them to idol worshippers? *Ding!*
Wait, I'm asking a silly question, because of course this author would insult the Catholic faith. *Ding!*
Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon. "Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"
"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"
"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her?"
"Mommy of Our Lord?" OMG, that's priceless. One sin forgiven. *!gniᗡ*
"Well, then, God hates you!" Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.
Author thinks Catholics believe that God hates all non-Catholics, despite two random commenters on Wattpad pointing out that Catholics believe God loves everyone. *Ding!*
"Don't listen to him," commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.
Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. "Peace" signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.
Oh no, they've got Luna. I repeat: THEY'VE GOT LUNA. *Ding!*
"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"
Draco gasped tentatively. "You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!"
"No, I'm not!" Harry fired back bravely. "You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!"
"Twisting the truth so you can be mean with it" is EXACTLY what this author is doing in her descriptions of other faiths. The irony is palpable. *Ding!*
"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I love them! Besides, the Lord ate with sinners all the time!"
"Thank you, Harry," Ronald whispered tearfully.
In other words: "I love all people with different beliefs, but just not enough to actually respect those beliefs." *Ding!*
"Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me," Draco sputtered blusteringly. "We really are the best Hat."
"I think you mean, 'We really are the most hateful hat,'" Harry corrected cleverly; and then he jumped up onto the table; and he got down on his knees; and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall; and he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!"
Corny as f*ck. *Ding!*
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Everything Wrong With: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles
RandomI've had several requests to sin this monstrosity of a book. Considered by many to be the polar opposite of legendary trollfic My Immortal, only this one is (supposedly) written by a Christian mother in an attempt to sanitize the Potterverse for her...
