Dead Inside

Chapter Nine All the damage is done

I can hear people moving around me but I can't make my eyes open. In fact my body isn't responding at all. There is a low murmuring of people talking but I can't seem to make out any distinct words. Music is playing in the background. It sounds familiar but it sounds like I'm listening to it underwater. Suddenly a door bangs open and all the sounds become loud and clear. I struggle to identify the song. Maybe if I can work it out my brain will start working properly. It's so foggy at the moment. All logical thought seems to be just out of reach. I can hear several male voices and a high female laugh. The door closes and the music is muffled again but the voices are getting closer.

"Okay boys so this is our newest offering. I've taken it out for a test drive and it's definitely worth the price. Stacey here has introduced her to Aunty Em so she'll be easy to control." Stacey. I know a Stacey. She's my best friend. But who is Aunty Em? I fight to open my eyes but they just won't respond. The guy talking sounds like Beau, but Beau would never say these sorts of things. He said he loves me. Just this afternoon on the way to the party he said he loved me. The party. What happened at the party? Is it still happening? I fight to remember but everything is a blur. I recall the drive here and Stacey passing me a drink but nothing after that.

"Ok so who's interested? I can't let you sample unfortunately so you'll have to pay up then you can do as you wish." Stacey cackles as she says this. I've never hear her laugh this way before. It's so cold. I feel the bed dip beside me and I fight even harder to open my eyes. I need to move. I have to get away.

"Say I am interested how much are we talking?" A new voice pipes up.

"$12k and she's all yours." Beau replies.

"That's a bit steep man." The new voice sounds disgusted.

"This bitch took us six months to crack. I had to pretend to be into her for six months before she let me take her for a spin." I feel sick at the words coming from Beau's mouth.

"Yeah so we want 2k for each month we had to put up with the uptight snobby brat." Stacey's voice chips in. I stop struggling to move and let grief overwhelm me. They lied. They lied about everything. I feel a tear escape from under my lashes and roll down my face, finally coming to rest in my ear. Something inside me has broken. What's the point in opening my eyes. Everything out there is a lie. I trusted them with my life. How can I ever trust anyone again? How can I look them in the eye and believe what they say.

"Ok let me ring the boss and see what he says." I hear the door open and close and then the bed dips even more beside me. I can hear people kissing right next to me.

"We did it. We are gonna be set. Good pick babe." Beau sounds like he is whispering in my ear but I know he's not talking to me.

"The second we got the cash we're outta here. Fuck I hated seeing you with her. The way she drooled over you. It made me want to bash her face in." I can hear Stacey punctuating each sentence with a kiss.

"You know I only have eyes for you babe." I try to hide inside my own mind. Try to quiet the sound of them making out. Suddenly the door slams open. And that's when I start to scream.

I am suddenly able to move again. I shove away from the bed, trying to escape but someone restrains me. I lash out, arms flailing. I hear a grunt as one of my fists connects with something solid. I prepare to swing again but I am pushed back onto the bed, a body laying over me imprisioning my arms between our bodies and their legs are wrapped around mine. I can't move again. I cry out again. This time it's more in frustration. I give one last feeble struggle before giving up and lay there weeping. Slowly I become aware of someone saying my name over and over.

"Roxanne. It's okay. You're safe. I've got you Roxanne. It's okay. You're safe..." I laugh. It's a horrible depressing sound. It's the sound of me giving up my will to fight anymore.

"Safe? I'm safe? I'll never be safe again. But that's okay because I'm already dead inside. Just waiting for the outside to get the memo." My voice is devoid of emotion. My tears dry up as I retreat from the world.